Page 2 columnist
Given the anticipated opening of "Legally Blonde 2" this week (anticipated by some, anyway), main character Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) isn't just a perky young lawyer, she's a Woods phenomenon nearly on par with the sports worlds' biggest star, another Woods. What might Elle have to say when comparing herself to Tiger? Page 2 provides a forum:
Tiger: Pro golfer
Elle says: Being a pro golfer is probably a really fun job (my dad would like it), but I can't imagine that it offers as much of a chance to help people as being a lawyer, even if some lawyers are icky.
Tiger: Frank, the club-head-cover puppet (or caddy Steve Williams)
Elle says: I'm sure Tiger likes Frank (and his caddy), but I love my Chihuahua, Bruiser Woods. He's super-friendly and would never say anything dumb like Frank.
Tiger: Elin Nordegren
Elle says: I hope Tiger is as happy with Elin as I am with my fiance Emmett Richmond (Luke Wilson), who has always been my biggest supporter (not to mention he's, like, so cute). Besides, she's a Swedish super-model, and I would never say anything bad about a fellow blonde.
Tiger: Testing driver faces
Elle says: I'm sure that with all his popularity, Tiger can definitely get the PGA to test players' club-thingies. But I'm also sure that someone named Tiger can appreciate my attempts to pass Congressional legislation that puts an end to product-testing on animals.
Tiger: "Sunday Red"
Elle says: Tiger looks hot in red, but it doesn't really fit my complexion. As everyone knows, my best color is pink (which not everyone can pull off!) and I think I make Capitol Hill chic in my suits.
Tiger: Forearm-rock after great shots
Elle says: Have you ever tried to pick up a UPS delivery person with that move? On the other hand, "The Bend and Snap" works everytime! (Wouldn't be surprised if Elin knew all about it.)
Accessory of choice
Elle says: I don't know anything about four-woods, but I'd be surprised if there's anyone in Washington, D.C., who knows more about four-inch heels than I do. And Tiger and I both make them look good!
Significant membership affiliation
Tiger: Augusta National
Elle says: I'm not sure I know how I feel about Augusta National not letting in women members ... but I do know that being a Delta Nu sister was the best experience of my life (until I went to law school), and we didn't let in any boys.
Elle says: I come from California (CULA '00 -- woo!), so I can appreciate Tiger's amazing Stanford education ... but not to toot my own horn, but I did get a 179 on my LSATs, not to mention graduate from, um, Harvard Law School.
Tiger: 1997 Masters, by record 12 strokes
Elle says: Sure he won the Masters, but did he ever keep a friend out of prison, like I did when I successfully defended wrongly accused murderer Brook Taylor Windham in 2001?
Tiger: Mark O'Meara, Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan
Elle says: I looooove my friends! They are super-supportive, especially Paulette (my beauty consultant) and my two Delta Nu sorority sisters, Serena McGuire (a Lakers dancer!) and Margot Chapman (um, I'm not sure what she does, except be engaged). Sometimes I think Serena has as big of a mouth as Charles!
Elle says: Now that I'm, like, living in a world of politicians, I can understand "buying American," but does it make me such a bad person that I zoomed around Boston for law school in my cute little Porsche Boxter? (The Buick doesn't exactly scream, "Elle!")
Unusual fitness regime
Tiger: Lifting weights
Elle says: Did you know that when I was defending fitness guru Brook Taylor for murder, she told me that she remembered teaching an aerobics class where I had "the best high kick" she'd ever seen! Yay for Elle!
Elle says: I bet people trying to put him in an identity box is, like, pretty harsh, but he should try being a blonde!
Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "Daily Quickie" commentary appears every weekday morning.