Page 2 columnist
Claim to fame: "Super Party Animal"
Strengths: Chick magnet; flexible enough to thrive at an outdoor tailgate party or packed bar scene.
Handicap: You drink from keg; he drinks from toilet.
Claim to fame: Super Bowl glory
Strengths: Pointed, bitter commentary while sitting like bumps on logs (just like many sports fans).
Handicap: May not have speed to run past Clydesdales in the "Bud-animals prelims."
Taco Bell Chihuahua
Claim to fame: "Yo quiero Taco Bell."
Strengths: Catch-phrase friendly; dramatic range.
Handicap: Size; fat/cholesterol levels; "Godzilla" tie-in campaign
Claim to fame: Helping hook thousands of kids on cigarettes
Strengths: Perception of "cool"; warehouse of Camel brand novelty tschotschkes that can be bought with Joe Camel currency
Handicap: The whole "death merchant" thing; eliminated by FTC
Smokey the Bear
Claim to fame: Face of National Park Service
Strengths: Humanitarian message ("Only you can prevent forest fires")
Handicap: Name appropriated by pot-smoking character in cult movie "Friday"
Claim to fame: Super Bowl appearances
Strengths: Rapport with other animals
Handicap: Corporate insolvency
Claim to fame: Battery endorser reportedly can keep "going and going and..."
Handicap: Stand-alone batteries are passe; rechargeables are in
Claim to fame: Infomercial star; holiday and father's day gift staple; hanging on countless home and office walls
Strengths: Programmable to play wide variety of songs
Handicap: Can't really move off of wall mount
Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "Daily Quickie" column appears every weekday morning.