Page 2 columnist
Random thoughts while wondering how they shuffled the deck in "Card Sharks":Saying Jerry Krause built the six-time champion Chicago Bulls is like calling "Jurassic Park" a Jeff Goldblum flick. Is it safe to say that no player in NFL history will sell fewer replica jerseys than Browns running back Ben Gay?
I've never walked through the first-class section of an airplane without wanting to punch somebody in the face.When MTV runs the first episode of "Down On Their Luck Celebrity Cribs," I just hope Corey Haim, MC Hammer and the Chief from Village People are prominently involved. David Duval seems like the kind of guy who knows how to get an illegal cable box. "Eating Stouffer's French Bread Pizza Without Burning Your Mouth" should be turned into an Olympic Event. I've never made it past Bite No. 3. Thank God for NBA.comTV, or else I would have forgotten that the whole "Isiah and Magic kissing each other on the cheek before each playoff game" routine was the most disturbing tradition in sports history. The Pentagon really needs to figure out a way to bottle Bill Russell's laugh and use it as chemical warfare against our enemies. If I ever played for a team that won the Stanley Cup, when I finally got my day with the Cup, I'd take it over to my local Store 24 and let Joe the Alcoholic Counter Guy hold it for a few seconds.
The greatest "Two-Minute Drill" of all-time would definitely include John Rocker, Dikembe Mutombo, Old Dirty Bastard and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf as the celebrity panelists.I would take a blood transfusion from Charlie Sheen before I ever laid points with Ty Detmer on the road. You know, NBA games would be much more fun to watch if we knew which players were stoned. Now that Little League officials have solved the Danny Almonte case, when will they reopen the Kelly Leak investigation? The Inevitable Fred Taylor Injury has replaced one of my friends calling me just to ask, "What the hell's the deal with John Madden's eyebrows?" as my favorite sign that the NFL season has finally kicked off. If you're not getting along with your girlfriend and she suddenly starts spending time with Russell Crowe ... well, that's not a good sign.
I always thought the most destructive invention of the 21st century was Red Bull ... and then Dunkin Donuts unleashed the "Coffee Cake Muffin" on a startled American public. Good God. Will the madness ever end?If a casino ever launches a "Minimum bet: $1,000,000" blackjack table, they should definitely hire Lucy Liu as the dealer. Four irrefutable facts: 1) nobody ages faster than a female porn star; 2) nobody was dumber than Lois Lane; 3) nobody can turn down a bite of Eggs Benedict; 4) nobody in the history of mankind was more whipped than Lionel Ritchie on the day he wrote "Truly." All right, somebody call the authorities ... I think Phil Mickelson ate Hugh Grant. When you hand the wedding section of a Sunday newspaper to a female, it's like tossing a chewy to a dog -- you know it will occupy them for at least 20 minutes. If I were ever umpiring a no-hitter in progress, I would call every pitch a strike from the seventh inning on.
Shaq's performance in "Curb Your Enthusiasm" was his best work since "Kazaam."I wish a "Black Sheep" Giambi brother had worked as a bullpen catcher for Oakland this season, just so he could have pulled a "Shooter from Hoosiers" in the playoffs and wandered onto the field in a drunken stupor -- holding up the game as Joe Buck said, "You hate to see this happen" in a hushed voice, and Jason and Jeremy ran out to right field to escort their brother back to the bullpen. That would have been fun. You never hear anyone utter the sentence, "My wife used to be the catcher on her college softball team." The three greatest extended runs by a go-to-guy in the history of mankind were Michael Jordan (Bulls, 1991-1998), Larry Bird (Celtics, 1981-1988) and Richard Dawson ("Match Game," 1974-1978). Any time a boxer is described as a "young 36," that's code for "This guy has spent time in jail." When Axl, Slash and Izzy were putting the finishing touches on "Sweet Child O' Mine," did one of them say, "Some day this will be remembered as the greatest strip joint song of all-time"? If I were ever playing against Jack Wagner in a celebrity golf tournament, I'd call him "Frisco" a few times just to get under his skin. My girlfriend thought that Morton Downey Jr. was Robert Downey Jr's father ... and I just had to tell someone that.
The yellow first-down line, Napster, DVDs, the Internet, Red Bull, Spice Hot, Jill Arrington and the Foxwoods theme song were all fantastic, but the state-of-the-art movie theater is still my favorite invention of the past 10 years.As the years pass, Vince Vaughn's performance in "Swingers" begins to take on "Brady Anderson hitting 50 homers in a season" proportions. I'm still waiting for a "Bizarro ESPN Classic" channel that features shows like: "SportsCentury and Beyond: Rusty Hilger" ... "NBA's Greatest Games: Miami 65, New York 56" ... "The Best of the Jim Rome Show" ... "SportsCentury Flashback: Fred Taylor's Groin" ... "Games That Ended Prematurely Because Somebody Died" ... "The Michael Irvin Show" ... "Greatest Magic Johnson Comebacks" ... "Inside Schwartz" ... "NHL Instant Classic: Columbus at Minnesota" ... "The Season: Ryan Leaf" ... "Pardon the Interruption" (with your hosts Jimmy the Greek and Al Campanis) ... and "Vintage NBA: Paul Mokeski." You know you're watching the NIT when you hear the phrase, "You think these guys don't want to win this game?" It's never a good sign when your wife has a mug shot. "Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek for Heathcliff Slocumb" was the greatest deal since Andy Dufresne bought the rockhammer from Red for $10.
Every time I watch a Sixers game, I feel jealous that I can't write my columns in front of 20,000 screaming fans with my Mom sitting in the front row wearing a Sports Guy jersey, whooping it up and holding a sign that says, "MY BABY IS THE SPORTS GUY, AND HE'S ALL THAT!"I wish you could break up with people for reasons like, "I'm sorry, you failed your physical yesterday." All right, I'll say it: You don't even need to wait until it's 1 a.m. and you're drunk anymore to be attracted to Jennifer Capriati. Don't you miss the old days when we didn't label everything? Back in my day, a high ankle sprain was called "an injured ankle," a kid with ADD was called "slow," someone suffering from poor eyesight was called "four eyes" and a guy suffering from a chemical imbalance was called "crazy." It was a lot easier. Every time I see the name "Bubba Franks" on my TV screen, I keep thinking that I inadvertently turned to the Spice Channel just in time to catch the opening credits for "My Baby Got Back 3." Here's a sure sign that a TV network doesn't have a hit on its hands: The moment one of the network execs utters the words, "Well, we finally agreed to terms with Matt Vasgersian!" You know you're watching ESPN Classic when Karl Malone is firing up a brick in the last two minutes of a playoff game. I love those "Take me out to the ballgame" commercials with all the baseball players singing in different languages, but how could they leave out Rickey Henderson? How can you have English, French, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Australian ... and not Rickey-Speak? Buy Rickey peanuts and cracker jacks ... Rickey doesn't care if Rickey ever gets back ... Every time I see a picture of the daughter of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, I'm always amazed there isn't an arm sticking out of her forehead. I'm the kind of guy who watches the closing credits of "The Natural" to see if Glenn Close's son is listed as "Bastard." Do you think Pat O'Brien was interviewing Michael Clarke Duncan outside the Blockbuster Awards this year and thinking to himself, "Ten years ago, I was hosting the NCAA Finals ... now I'm interviewing Michael Clarke Duncan"? The Allison Fisher-Jeanette Lee nine-ball feud is slowly evolving into the Russell-Chamberlain rivalry of my generation After Johnny Lawrence graduated from high school and squandered the All-Valley Karate Title to Daniel-San, is there any doubt that he went on to attend Duke University? Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.
Simmons: 'Ali' good, but not The Greatest
The Sports Guy: In case you were wondering
The Sports Guy: Ramblin' through a cultural wasteland
Simmons: The All-NFL Ramblings
Simmons: Curses! Please stop with talk of Red Sox curse
Simmons: The Sports Guy's Book of Lists
Simmons: The Ramblings