By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Thoughts while wondering if it's really been 20 years since the world was introduced to Bill Blazejowski, Clubber Lang and Jeff Spicoli ...

No movie featured more people getting knocked cold by a single punch than "Midnight Run."

Scottie Pippen
Scottie Pippen

When you accept the Tampa Bay offensive coordinator job, is there a complimentary lobotomy?

Hey, it's Cuba Gooding Jr. in a movie about talking dogs ... Show me the money!

I know the Blazers want to clean house, but trying to trade Shawn Kemp and Scottie Pippen is tougher than getting rid of the "Q" and "X" at the end of a Scrabble game.

When it comes right down to it, there isn't a more depressing place on the planet than an airport terminal smoking lounge.

Just so you know, I'm rooting for the Ravens to take the lead during the second half of the Pittsburgh game next week, just for the inevitable series when Brian Billick has Elvis Grbac take a knee three straight times, then brings in Kyle Richardson to punt it back to the Steelers. Has that ever happened before? Has anyone ever called the kneel play when the game was still in doubt?

Hey, why don't people ever hold World War II against Italy?

What's more dumbfounding: The thought of Denny Green will be co-host of a fishing show, the fact Ganz from "48 Hours" is playing Samantha's new boyfriend on "Sex and the City," or this weekend's revelation that John McEnroe is serving as host of a new game show on ABC? Um ... not that I watch "Sex and the City" ... um ...

Did the Triads get royalties for "Grand Theft Auto 3"?

I'm naming my first son either Cletidus, 'Dre or Simeon.

Dan Dickau
Dan Dickau

You know it's a wacky NBA Roto season when you find yourself saying the words, "Gee, I wonder who has Michael Olowokandi?"

I couldn't enjoy watching Gonzaga's Dan Dickau play the point any more than I already do. It's not possible. He's like John Stockton, but with Peter Brady's hair. Old-time basketball, baby!

I like Antoine Walker as much as anybody, but if he gets voted into the NBA All-Star Game, all hell will break loose -- nobody's more dangerous in an All-Star Game than someone like Antoine trying to impersonate Magic Johnson for four quarters. The Vegas over-under on passes flying into the stands is 5.5.

Why does the food outside The Home Depot always smell so good?

Since your odds of becoming an NFL referee definitely increase when you have a goofy-sounding name, it would seem field judge Boris Cheek is right where he wants to be.

Jay Leno
Jay Leno

I could never appear on "Survivor" because I don't look good with a beard.

Every time I'm standing in an airport and see the baggage claim sign, I always expect to see Derrick Coleman and Theo Fleury standing underneath it.

All right, I'll ask: When and where do cab drivers go to the bathroom?

If the Astrodome was the "Eighth Wonder of the World" and Chyna was the "Ninth Wonder of the World," then the "10th Wonder of the World" has to be Sean Landeta. Have we carbon-dated this guy yet?

Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen

Brett Favre ... he's like a little kid out there ... is this guy having fun or what? ... is this guy a joy to watch or what? ... does anyone love the game more than this guy ... blah blah blah ... blah blah blah ...

Charlie Sheen's bachelor party should be shown on pay-per-view. And I'm not just suggesting a Corey Haim cameo here, I'm demanding it.

Since it's fashionable for women to dress so revealing nowadays, could the return of the '70s Look and the No-Bra Era be far away? Is there anything we could do to speed it up?

If the Sports Gal ever wrote a Ramblings, one of the lines would definitely be, "Why don't Russian women ever know how to dress?"

Nothing gets a football announcer more fired up than a good stiff arm.

Bud Selig
Bud Selig

Where do I cash in my "Prince Harry will admit to smoking pot and drinking excessively before he graduates high school" stock?

If Major League Baseball really plans on running the Expos, can't they at least have Bud Selig pull a Vince McMahon and insert himself into the daily operations and all the ongoing plots? I think this could work.

During the first three quarters of NBA games, all made baskets from midcourt and beyond should be worth four points. Period. End of story.

Snoop Dogg
Snoop Dogg

You know, I always thought "MTV's Cribs" peaked with the show where Snoop Doggy Dogg showed off the studio in his house, and the camera panned from a "No Drinking, No Eating" sign to a table with a half-eaten sandwich and a tipped-over soda, but when rapper Big Boi showed off the metal pole in his living room, then explained it was there so any visiting ladies could "do their thang" ... well, that will never be topped.

Speaking of MTV, does the Timeout Card in "Dismissed" provoke more strategy and second-guessing than anything the four major sports have to offer, or am I crazy? And would there be anything worse than watching your daughter appear on that show? I mean, anything?

All right, I'll clarify this one once and for all for everyone attending college right now: When you have sex with someone and you're both sober, you're officially dating. Don't let anyone tell you differently. As Smilin' Jack Ross would say, these are the facts. They are indisputable.

When is it my turn to date Winona Ryder for a few weeks? Is this like a deli line thing? Do I need to grab a number and wait for it to get called?

Mark Cuban
Mark Cuban

Thank God for the UFC, or else we wouldn't be able to appreciate the transfixing power of a cauliflower ear.

Idea of the Week: Reader Anand Rao wants an IMDB.com-type site that features everything you would ever want to know about an athlete -- career stats, number of teams played on, the ability to figure out if Player A and Player B have ever been teammates, and so on. Throw in numbers for wives, known offspring and arrests, and this sounds like a winner. Somebody needs to make this happen.

You're not officially an NHL coach until you start dressing like a movie usher.

I think I need therapy or something, because -- for some inexplicable reason -- I'm still thoroughly enjoying the Mark Cuban Era.

Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers

Lingering questions: How come all televised highway chases only happen in California? Is Joey Tribbiani officially making The Leap? Have you ever seen a happy TV cameraman? Is "Project Greenlight" the funniest documentary of all-time? Is anyone else more attracted to Joan Rivers than Melissa Rivers? When will somebody teach NBA players how to punch? And does anything hush a room quite like the sight of Michael Jackson on TV?

Let's face it: The "Does Britney have fake boobs?" debate is the 21st century's version of "Who shot JFK?"

Here's my vote for the most underrated child athlete moment of all-time: The kid who kept up with Rocky Balboa for 4.2 seconds when Rocky tried to sprint away from those 30,000 Philadelphia kids near the end of "Rocky II."

Britney Spears
Britney Spears

Speaking of Rocky, I attended last week's Celts-Spurs game with my buddy Dave, and we were heading to our seats right as the Celtics were walking onto the floor and the PA system was blaring the music from the final rounds of Creed-Balboa in "Rocky" (a Fleet Center tradition). So we're holding beers, walking down steps, balancing cardboard trays filled with chicken fingers and fries and heading toward our seats, but the music was kicking in, and, well, you can guess what happened next:

-- Dave: "Ain't gonna be no rematch."
-- Me: "Don't want one."

(The NBA ... it's FANNNNNNN-tastic! I love this game!)

Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.




Bill_Simmons
Bill
Simmons
THE SPORTS GUY