Page 2 columnist
Page 2's Bill Simmons took your questions in a live chat Thursday. Here is an edited transcript of what you and The Sports Guy had to say:
Bill Simmons: Hey, everyone ... hopefully, this is working correctly ... I'm going to answer as many questions as possible. Let's go ...
The Full Bug: Hey, Bill. I need to know your expert opinion on the big news today. Who's going to win the fight, Tonya Harding or Amy Fisher?
Simmons: I like Amy ... she's proven that she'll do anything it takes to win.
Matt: What do you think the Sox are going to do with Joe Kerrigan?
Simmons: I think they're going to fire him. Nobody in the clubhouse likes him, and they went 2-85 when he was managing last year. I'm hoping they fire everyone in a scene resembling the baptism scene at the end of "The Godfather" -- bodies getting whacked left and right
Ed Jurak22: Now that the Duke is fired, will he start appearing on talk shows and actually talk like a human being about his time as Sox GM, or will he still be Robot Duke?
Simmons: I think Dan Duquette's going to remain in his office and keep trying to make trades until they ban him from the premises. Like a Michael-Douglas-in-"Falling-Down" kind of thing. I still don't think he realizes he's been fired.
OU guys: What was the deal with evil Wayne Gretzky during the Olympics and that icy glare he had during every game? He looked like he had a hockey stick up his butt.
Simmons: I thought it was very strange. Put it this way: You never would have seen Larry Bird making catty comments and acting like a yahoo in the luxury box. For God's sake, Wayne, show some dignity. You're the greatest hockey player of all-time.
Golberg: I need your opinion on who the first person will be to defect from the WWF to the NWO (outside of X-Pac on his return). Thoughts?
Simmons: If they were smart, it would be Triple H. Biggest no-brainer of all-time. Set up a feud with him and the NWO, then have him go to the Dark Side in a stunning swerve. And get Steph involved as well.
Chris (Chicago): Seriously... how much did you have to drink before that picture was taken?
Simmons: From the Super Bowl? The funny thing is, I didn't have one drop of alcohol. That's the strangest picture ever taken of me -- it looks like I just witnessed the birth of a child. Doesn't even look like me. I love that picture. Totally drained, totally happy. You can see the nine days I spent in N.O. all over my face, too.
C-Dog: Hey, Bill, what do you think of the Celtics trade, given that they've now lost three in a row since it was made?
Simmons: I think they will struggle for another few games as they get everyone acclimated -- they'll lose to Charlotte and Philly, then roll off a winning streak once everyone gets comfortable. They need to start Rodney Rogers and bring Tony Delk off the bench. This is driving me crazy.
Juaquin (NYC): "Shipmates" or "Dismissed"? Why?
Simmons: I'd go with "Dismissed." That's a TREEEEEE-mendous show. I love that show. I wish they had these shows back when I was in college -- I would have loved to have been on "Real World." By the way, can you imagine anything worse than being the boyfriend of a female cast member on "Real World" who's shacking up with everyone? That would be terrible. Would your friends even make fun of you for this? Probably not. These are the things I think about.
Joel (Westerly, RI): Hey, BSG! What do you think of John Madden going to ABC? Personally, I can't stand Madden, and I think the Super Bowl coverage by him and Pat Summerall was awful! (I know you missed their coverage, 'cause you were at the game, you lucky B*$%#!@, but maybe you caught a tape of it. Anyway, did ABC botch this one by losing Dan Fouts? (Forget Dennis Miller) At least I can watch Fox's coverage of the NFL again! Pats No. 1, I'm in heaven!
Simmons: I'm excited about it ... I have to be careful what I say here, with the ABC-ESPN connections, but let's just say I didn't think the old team was working that well. Madden needs a fresh start with someone else. I think he has a couple of years left in him. I was more upset about Eric Dickerson's ousting ... I was enjoying him in a "Brigitte Nielsen in 'Rocky 4' " kind of way.
Razorpike (Fairfax): Any particular movies you're looking forward to in the next couple of months? Reason I ask is your must-own DVDs feature was right on -- great call on "Cruel Intentions" btw. Quality.
Simmons: One DVD that just came out: The first season of "The Larry Sanders Show." It's only like $40 at Best Buy. Over six hours of inspired comedy.
Shay: Hey, what are your thoughts on the MJ-less Wizards? Any odds to make the playoffs?
Simmons: I can't see how they could possibly hold the fort without MJ. Rip Hamilton is the only other above-average player on the team. They just aren't very good. I think the team to watch in the East is Charlotte -- I like the way they're playing. Very good defensive team that can score points when they need to.
PJS: Will you be watching "Survivor 4," or has it "jumped the shark"?
Simmons: I thought it jumped last season ... they just started pumping them out too fast. They need to have a "Celebrity Survivor," with all the loser celebs such as Darva Conger, Monida Lewinsky, Danny Bonaduce and everyone else. Now that I would watch. Especially if the Coreys were involved.
Adam (Vermont): This year I'll be making my first-ever Opening Day visit to Fenway. Any suggestions? Should I rub it in to everyone I know?
Simmons: Bring some Advil. Your back and legs will be hurting by the fourth inning unless you're shorter than 5-foot-5.
Cohan: BSG, we just bought our tickets to the Houston Rockets game that features Moochie Norris bobbleheads ... how much do you think they'll go for on eBay? I'm guessing that Mastercard can make a Priceless commercial out of them?!
Simmons: All I know is that the Rockets better set me up with a Moochie bobblehead or I'm going to be pissed. They should have a $300-$400 value on eBay.
Topher (Knoxville): BSG, does any team have a chance in hell of beating L.A., Sacramento or Dallas?
Simmons: I think Minnesota could upset one of them. I don't think the Timberwolves can go all the way, but they could beat one of those teams in a series. The Marc Jackson trade was highway robbery. He'll end up playing 35 minutes a game for them within a month. He's above-average.
Andrew (K.C): Are there any shows on TV that the Sports Gal forces you to watch that make you want to set yourself on fire?
Simmons: She likes that "Six Feet Under" show. I can't stand it. And she watches "Queer As Folk." Those are the only two. On the flip side, I subject her to the WWF on a regular basis.
John (Atlanta): Who would you rather party with if you could party with either the guys from Outkast (representing the ATL) or Snoop and Dr. Dre?
Simmons: Snoop and Dre. No question. Snoop is the coolest human being of the past 100 years. Apparently, he was at the post-Super Bowl party for the Pats, and the Pats players were flocking around him like he was God. He had a posse of, like, 35 people and was drinking out of a cannister that said, "Snoop Dogg." Now that is comedy.
Jay: Which former member of "90210" has the best shot of making it big again? Excluding Dylan, of course, because he has made it to a good show in "Oz."
Simmons: I'm still amazed Jason Priestley never amounted to anything. I always thought he was a helluvan actor. Seriously. The show when Dylan's drinking and he pulls up a chair to hang out with a passed-out Dylan -- that was Sir Laurence Olivier-caliber stuff. And Ian Ziering clearly needs his own sitcom. There's no question about it. I would cast him as a substitute teacher in an inner-city high school.
Tuffy Rhodes (Rochester, N.H.): Do you get giddy every time you see the Pats' Super Bowl special edition SI commercial? I know I do.
Simmons: Really, really giddy.
Michael: Have you ever heard a better jingle than the Foxwoods song? "Take a chance, make it happen, pop the cork, fingers snappin', spin the wheel, 'round and 'round she goes ..."
Simmons: "Life is short, life is sweet, grab yourself a front row seat ... let's eat ... and have a ballllll ... Yeah! let's live ... for the wonder ... of it all ... (Meet me at Fox- Woods!)"
Matt (Howell, N.J.): Hey, Simmons, do you write on anything else? Besides Boston, why don't you do some New York sports talk radio? You could end up being the most hated man in New York.
Simmons: I'm already the most hated man in New Orleans. Besides, New York doesn't need me, when they have Mike and the Mad Dog, who are brilliant. Apparently, the YES Network will be broadcasting their show from 1-to-4 every day ... this is truly scary.
Brent (Champaign, IL): BSG, how do we e-mail you? I have looked all over the website for an e-mail for you, but I can't find one.
Simmons: It's like a DVD Easter egg ... the address is in one of the old columns ... you have to find it.
Jason (Toronto): Bill, what's the one celebrity couple who makes you say "How did that guy end up with her"? (Ignoring the obvious Angelina/Billy Bob answer.)
Simmons: The guy from the Black Crowes and Kate Hudson.
Mark (Stoughton): Do you think there is any truth to the rumor that Buck Showalter could be managing the Red Sox this season?
Simmons: That would be cool. He could manage the Sox for three years, they could fire him, then they would win the World Series.
SuperZim: Hey Bill ... will you join me in a petition to get Darius Miles to hit the weights/eat some fat/drink some milk ... or something! Doesn't he remind you of one of those creepy, cobweb-riddled skeletons from an Indiana Jones flick?
Simmons: No busting on D-Miles! He's my favorite non-Celtic, other than Moochie. I have high hopes for him. There's never been another NBA player quite like him.
Jeff (Dallas): Hey, Bill ... is their a better offensive team in the NBA than the Mavericks!
Simmons: They are truly scary. The funny thing about that trade was that Raef LaFrentz and Nick Van Exel both hurt the Lakers -- LaFrentz because he can take Shaq away from the basket and shoot 3s, and Van Exel because he's killed L.A. ever since they traded him. If I were a Lakers fan, I'd be very scared. Plus, Shaq isn't healthy and their bench hasn't given them much. They're very vulnerable right now.
KurtCocane (Las Vegas): Hey, Bill, why are NBA commentators always so reluctant to use the phrase "He got robbed." I mean, I've never once heard it, not once.
Simmons: The thing that kills me is how every announcer says, "He buries it!" every time someone makes a jumper. Listen for that. Announcers say it 50 times a game.
David: When you and the Sports Gal get married, are you going to suck like the rest of my friends?
Brad (College Park): Doesn't Greg Kite need his own SportsCentury special?
Simmons: I always thought this would make for a tremendous show on ESPN6 -- SportsCentury documentaries for people such as Greg Kite. The Paul Mokeski one would be a VCR keeper.
Matt (Fort Lauderdale, Fla.): Will David Stern rig the lottery this year so the Knicks get Jason Williams?
Simmons: Jeez ... what do you think?
NoGoofyName: What was it like for you when Basketball Jesus coached the Pacers?
Simmons: I rooted for them in an "I'd rather see them win than anyone else" way, but it was very tough for me to support anything involving Reggie Miller. He's a dweeb.
Marc (Boston): How come you never mention the documentary "Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend"? Unintentional comedy is off the charts with Magic, Bill Walton and the X Man.
Simmons: I need to do a column on this. Walton's performance should have received Oscar attention.
Merce: BSG, Settle a bet with my buddies ... I contend that you missed an exception to the Rule 13 in Tuesday's 20 rules for a sports fan: Drew Bledsoe. I think it's legal for New England Drew fans to buy his new jersey and follow him wherever he ends up. It will stink wearing the Bengals colors, though. Thoughts?
Simmons: I think you can definitely follow him and hope he does well, but I can't see buying his jersey. That's a little extreme. I hope he does well ... unfortunately, it looks like Chicago and Washington don't want him, which means he could be headed to a lower-level team such as Cincy or Dallas. It will be fascinating to see what happens with him next season. I'm rooting for him.
Kyle from Natick, Mass.: BSG, once and for all, Brady or Bledsoe?
Simmons: No question, Brady. Better QB for that particular team. They wouldn't have won with Drew. I honestly believe that.
John (NY): Bill, Will Mo Vaughn approach 400 pounds. this year or what?
Simmons: Have you see him this year? Good God! He's enormous. I think he ate Rey Ordoñez.
G$ (Atlanta): What's the Guinness record for online chats? I say you go for it. "These are my readers" will keep coming with the questions.
Simmons: I think this could go on indefinitely ... sorry I can't get to everyone's questions. Right now, we're over 6,000. I missed some good ones so far.
Chris (New Jersey): Have there been more than five good albums released since 1992, when both "Nevermind" and "The Chronic," two absolute classics, came out?
Simmons: I totally agree ... '91-'94 was the Golden Era for music -- the birth of Grunge and rap taking it to the next level. I can't believe this crap everyone listens to now. 1992 was probably my favorite year.
Stan (Stamford, Conn.): Is the current "Real World" the most painful one yet? In your opinion, who is worse -- Amaya or Walla Walla, Washington?
Simmons: I actually liked Amaya ... she was attractive and overwhelmingly repulsive. Fascinating TV character. Walla Walla is fun, too -- she's just painful. I like everyone on this year's show except Theor's female roommate ... somebody needs to alert her that she weighs a little too much to be naked all the time. There needs to be an intervention.
Ty (Massachusetts): Who do you think the Patriots should take with their draft pick?
Simmons: I'm hoping they upgrade WR and RB and use free agency to get a TE. Lots of TE's available -- Sharpe, Dilger, Jones, Clark, etc.
Mork (NanuNanu): Can a "sport" on television jump the shark?
Simmons: Absolutely. I think the NBA jumped the shark in '99, before they changed the rules and made it fun again. The Knicks making the finals in '99 set the league back 20 years. What a disgrace. Except for MJ, you could wipe out everything that happened in the NBA from '94-'99, and nobody would care.
Dave (Denver): Hey, BSG! Got a question about "The Karate Kid" that's been eating me up -- in the final match, why does Johnny's punch to the face not count as a point, but Daniel-san's kick to the face count? Also, is there a better No. 2 bad guy than Dutch, that blond punk?
Simmons: Interesting questions. The KK scoring never made sense ... and let's be honest, there's no way Dutch beats LaRusso. It just wasn't happening.
Tom: When is the Sports Guy Mansion gonna make it onto "Cribs"?
Simmons: I need to get more cars. I need nine to 10 more luxury automobiles first. And I need a game room with a pool table and a framed "Scarface" poster. Then I'm ready.
Peter, NY: When will we be seeing you on "The Sports Reporters"?
Simmons: Never. I'd be terrible. I'm bad at shouting over people ... I'd just end up getting mad and swearing at someone.
Dean: Why don't you ever write about college basketball?
Simmons: I don't start watching until March. It's just too hard to follow -- guys only stay in school for two years, and there are 75-plus major programs. It's fun to root against Boston College, though. I wouldn't let Al Skinner coach a YMCA team.
Boomer (San Diego): How often did you go to church while attending Holy Cross?
Simmons: Once. And it didn't go well. I accidentally took communion twice. Not good times. Everyone was mad at me.
Geoff (Argyle, Texas): Why does everyone excuse Matt Doherty's wretched coaching job, when he's got more talent than 95 percent of the teams out there?
Simmons: It's inexplicable. Some coaches just get a free ride. Like Jon Gruden -- did the Raiders ever win a big game when he was there? Did you ever watch a Raiders game and say, "Man, that was some coaching job!" and yet Tampa Bay gave up a crapload for him. That was the most one-sided deal in the history of sports.
PJ (Tulsa): Do you think Quentin Tarantino can revive Corey Haim's career much like he did with Travolta back in '94? I know Q is working on a new film, and I think he must find a spot for Corey.
Simmons: I agree ... somebody clearly needs to do something. I still like my idea of an HBO talk show with him, Feldman and an open bar. That would be mesmerizing.
Hooks (Boston): Hey, SG, are you ever gonna get your own personal web page on ESPN.com (à la Dicky V, Gammons, etc.) complete with bobblehead doll and all?
Simmons: I want my own web page ... that would be cool. I want them to give me a ghostly visage looming over all the features like with the Gammons page. The bobblehead doll would scare me because my buddies would make fun of me about it and do unspeakable, horrible things to the dolls.
Bandar (Saratoga): Who's stealing more money from an employer, Isiah Thomas or, well, anyone else?
Simmons: Isiah has to be No. 1. After him, I would vote for the guy who runs the Blazers. And maybe George Seifert.
Mike, New York.: Allan Houston is stealing more money than anybody!
Simmons: And Allan Houston and Brian Grant. Forgot about them.Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.