By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Thoughts while wondering if Ferris ever ended up with Sloane ...

Joe Torre
Joe Torre definitely looks out for his own "kids."

You know you're getting old when three hours of wiffleball leaves you feeling like a candidate for Tommy John Surgery.

Jose Canseco might not make the Baseball Hall of Fame, but he's definitely a first-ballot lock for the Isaac Hayes Memorial "Weird Twitch Hall of Fame."

If Joe Torre managed a Little League team, his kids would be the only kids who played all six innings.

I can't remember ever having a bad experience with Cool Whip.

For next year, can we get a special Father's Day episode of "ESPN's The Life" about Shawn Kemp? Whoops, the phone's ringing again ... umm ... I think that's probably for me ...

Instead of separating the teams in next Monday's Home Run Derby by leagues, they should just have "The HGH Team" and the "Steroids Team" square off.

Couldn't the "Leaping off the bench, happily skipping over to the players coming off the court, then zealously high-fiving everyone" routine become an event at NBA All-Star Weekend, just for the drama of the Cleaves-Madsen showdown in the finals?

Mark Madsen
I give Mark Madsen a 68 because he's got a beat you can dance to.

Speaking of contrived TV events, that "Dog Eat Dog" show brings us one step closer to a lifelong dream of mine: the topless game show.

Jayson Williams is my favorite broadcaster who has ever been accused of accidentally killing his chauffeur and covering it up.

When it comes right down to it, the most ridiculous ending in sports movie history has to be "The Fan" -- De Niro somehow becoming the home plate umpire, then calling Snipes out on an inside-the-park home run during a monsoon, followed by the two of them fighting at home plate, then De Niro getting gunned down by a SWAT team. That will never be topped. They should have thrown in an additional ending where the entire incident spurs the players' union and baseball owners to bury the hatchet, then hammer out a sophisticated, intelligent collective bargaining agreement.

All right, can somebody tell Ashleigh Banfield that it's OK to look cute again?

Were the folks in the Yankees front office just sitting around saying to themselves, "We need an overpaid right fielder, someone with declining skills, someone who never plays for winning teams, someone who could potentially infect our clubhouse like the ebola virus ... could somebody call the Blue Jays and see if Raul Mondesi is available?"

Hey, has Phil Simms been keeping a low profile and saying to himself, "If I just lay low for two more months, by the time the NFL season kicks off, everyone will have forgotten that I was co-host of the Miss Universe Pageant with Daisy Fuentes"?

Jerry Jones
Jerry Jones will unveil his new summer look on HBO.

Well, we're about three weeks away from the first "Good God, what the hell happened to his face???" closeup of Jerry Jones during "Hard Knocks" ... and I'm just plain giddy.

This will be the first Fourth of July where you can wear a U.S. flag shirt without everyone thinking you're a big dork.

When Bob Cousy breaks down and starts bawling during the "SportsCentury" show about Bill Russell, that's a Hall of Fame "It's getting a little dusty in here" moment here at the Sports Guy Mansion.

Just when I thought I was getting through the summer alive, Pringles decides to release their "Sweet Mesquite BBQ" flavor. Damn them. Damn them straight to hell.

It isn't officially a trip to K-Mart until you're wondering to yourself, "Is that person actually in my phylum?"

Now that Will Ferrell has finally left "SNL," we need to start thinking about where the "VH1 Storytellers: Neil Diamond" sketch ranks among the greatest SNL sketches of the past three decades. Doesn't it have to be Top 5 or am I crazy? "This next song I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection. Forever in blue jeans!!!"

Ozzy Osbourne
"I want to thank my wife and kids. They're the (expletive) best!"

Say what you want about the Osbournes, but at least they aren't overexposed.

Let's see, the Maloof Brothers own an NBA team and a Las Vegas casino ... is it safe to say that these guys would be fun to hang out with?

The best part about MTV's new "Soriority Life" series is that you have to pound a few beers before the girls start to look even remotely attractive ... it's just like being back in college!

Let's face it: You can separate the world into two groups of people: the ones who heard about that Mets pitcher having an anxiety attack/seizure from smoking marijuana and said, "Man, what an idiot!", and the people who heard about it and said, "Man, that must have been some gooooooooooooood s---."

Why didn't Fox's "Beyond the Glory" special on Hakeem Olajuwon mention his four-year stint as Adebici on "Oz"?

Tony Bennett and Billy Joel
It didn't take a genius to see Billy Joel, right, was headed for hard times.

Hey, where do I cash in my "Billy Joel will enter an alcohol rehab clinic" stock?

Yes, the rumors are true ... I thought about quitting ESPN when they awarded "Rocky V" "Reel Classic" status. I ended up dealing with the news the same way I deal with every Puffy Combs appearance on a Notorious BIG song ... I just pretended it wasn't happening. Sometimes you just have to look the other way, you know?

There's no way in hell I would ever endorse Viagra, even if they offered me $2 million like they did with Rafael Palmeiro. OK, that's a lie.

Wait a second ... I can't be the only person on the planet who suppresses a giggle every time I'm asking a bank teller for a roll of quarters. There's more of us out there, right?

If I ever started the Hundred Club -- a building devoted to everyone and everything that ever scored a perfect 100 out of 100 on the Unintentional Comedy Rating scale -- there would be an entire wing devoted to Liza Minnelli-David Gest wedding.

Nobody on the planet has had more "bull s---" chants directed at them than Dick Bavetta.

Here's why I rarely mention music: Elvis Costello. I'm firmly convinced that Elvis was overrated, and his best song was the one he sang with the guy from Hall and Oates ... you might feel differently. There's no right answer or wrong answer; listening to music is a subjective experience. But if you're an Elvis Costello fan, you're probably horrified that I just picked "You're Not the Only Flame in Town" as Elvis' best song. And while we're at it, my favorite Bob Marley song was "Iron Lion Zion." See, this is why I don't bring these things up.

Could somebody send Jack Black the "E! True Hollywood Story" episodes on Chris Farley and John Belushi before it's too late?

The three most macho athletes in sports right now are Tie Domi, Charles Oakley and Teresa Witherspoon.

When is NBA Entertainment releasing "Rick Adelman's Greatest Playoff Collapses" on DVD, with director's commentary from Terry Porter and Chris Webber?

Ivan Drago
AP
Could there be a better claim to fame than being the broadcaster for the Balboa-Drago fight?

Nothing beats that giddy feeling when your team trades a lemon to another team and actually gets value back. I still remember exactly where I was when they announced the "Boston trades Jerome Moiso to Philly for a conditional No. 1" trade. It was like watching an ATM machine in Vegas spitting out a free $100 bill. Don't you just love sports sometimes?

You know, I just can't call it the "WWE." I just can't. My body's rejecting it like a bad liver transplant.

Has there ever been a parking garage that wasn't creepy at night?

You know, the U.S. Senior Open would be much more exciting to watch if they prohibited the competitors from peeing until they finished a round.

When boxing broadcaster Barry Tompkins dies, what gets mentioned first in his obituary -- the Hagler-Hearns fight or the Drago-Balboa fight?

Finally, every World Cup game involving the United States should have been preceded by a taped announcement from President Bush: "These are not our best athletes! Our best athletes play basketball, baseball and football. Again, these are not our best athletes. If we ever steered guys like Allen Iverson and Randy Moss toward a soccer field, you guys would be dead meat! Hear me? Dead meat!"

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN Magazine.




Bill_Simmons
Bill
Simmons
THE SPORTS GUY