By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Last week's "Plug in your own text for the leftover Caddyshack quotes" contest drew hundreds of e-mails, so we threw some of the best ones on this page. And if you sent something in that didn't get picked, well ... thank you very little.

On to the responses ...

"I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner."

Martin Gramatica
Martin Gramatica has not been automatic, making just 19 of 25 FGs this season.

How can this be applied to anybody but Martin Gramatica? (OK, maybe his brother Bill, but he got his when he injured his knee celebrating last year). Has there ever been a player in the history of NFL who deserved a Four Horseman-style mudhole stomping more than this guy?

And the thing is, since the guy has a Macchio-ish 5-foot-7, 100-and-change-pound frame, any average fan could handle the job himself. And yet, we have to sit here every Sunday and watch that little jerk jump around like Brian Boitano after a 27-yard FG in the first quarter.
Brett Maynard
Detroit


"You're a disgrace ... you're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by rats."

How about Arizona owner Bill Bidwell for this one? He is the lowest member of the NFL food chain, and should be replaced by a rat.
Clay Huestis
Barcelona, Spain

To Veteran's Stadium, in it's final season of hosting Eagles games. Dump? Dungeon? Rat-infested hellhole? All of 'em, and then some! How many careers were cut short on the green cement. (I will never forget the Wendell Davis injury as long as I live.) How many embarrassing black eyes has Philly received? (Two stand out from a structural standpoint: the collapse of the railing during an Army-Navy game, and the cancellation of a preseason game vs. the defending champ Ravens due to drainage issues.)

How long have Philly fans like myself waited while so many other cities got nice, new, football-only stadiums? I'll be taping for posterity the eventual implosion of a stadium whose only positive is it's name. And, guaranteed, the rats will remain amidst the rubble for a long time.
Coyotek
Morrisville, Pa.

Whose idea was it to put Tony Siragusa and Michael Irvin together on a show?

Will Rae Carruth be available by satellite for updates?
Damian Shaw
Phoenix


"She's been plucked more times than the Rose of Tralee."

For Trent Green, with a league-leading 24 interceptions last season.

"I like you, Betty."
"It's Danny, sir."

To Danny Wuerffel ... this was when he should have realized that Steve Spurrier wasn't going to start him.
Dave Bagley
Seattle


"Don't sell yourself short, judge. You're a tremendous slouch."

Mike Holmgren
Mike Holmgren is the Judge Smails of the NFL.

This one has to go to Mike Holmgren. All the Genius of the Northwest has managed to do is match the numbers of the Dennis "I'm good to drive" Erickson era.

As soon as Holmgren got all the power, he forgot how to coach. I mean Matt Hasselbeck over Trent Dilfer last year? That has to be a joke. Was Kelly Stouffer not available? He lucked into Shaun Alexander and signing all those over-the-hill defensive players really did wonders for the defense.

Green Bay was just like the "Wizard of Oz" -- pull the curtain back and who do you find ... Ron Wolf not Holmgren.
Mike Evans
Arlington, Va.

To ... Jason Sehorn. Has there ever been a prettier starting cornerback with zero talent? He's the Anna K. of the NFL! Even Warren Sapp is calling this guy overrated.

He gets hurt every day, and he got beat in the biggest game of his life by -- of all people -- Brandon Stokley. And is anyone else tired of seeing Angie Harmon in the luxury box? Show us hot chicks in the stands or cheerleaders instead.
Mark McCarrell
Columbus, Ohio

To Dave Campo and Bill Callahan. Has the title of coach ever been more ceremonial than with these two? After watching "Hard Knocks" on HBO, I was tempted to offer Jerry Jones a carton of cigarettes and some raisin wine for Campo (too much "OZ"!) You could almost hear Campo muttering, "Be seen but not heard," over and over whenever Jones was in the vicinity. Why couldn't the Cowboys have hired Marty Schottenheimer or Bill Parcells for six weeks? It would kill me to see Jones posturing and preening only to sulk down whenever Parcells gave him a "Did I ask for your opinion?" glare.
Andrew Barrera
Wichita, Kan.


"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. Felt like I owed it to them."

To the Detroit Lions ... every year or two they bring in a new "savior" quarterback out of college, and promptly run him through the Astroturf. If they had drafted Brett Favre, he'd have retired five years ago. Their best QB in the modern era is Scott "Footsteps" Mitchell (yes, he is the one who should carry the name, the shame, the mark of Keanu). Really, the Lions should have a doctor break the news to any QB that gets drafted by them. It's really the only humane way.
Andrew Moxon
Grand Rapids, Mich.

This one definitely goes to David Carr. The Texans are throwing him to the wolves. I am predicting that there will soon be a David Carr expression that you have to include in the Faces Hall of Fame.
Chris
Magnolia, N.J.


"Nice kid, nice kid ... now I know why tigers eat their young."

To Randy Moss ... is there a bigger head case in the league right now? Every time I see him play I cheer for him to take a big hit or make a game-deciding mistake. What could Mike Tice and his staff be thinking, wanting to base an offense around a guy who admits to not only taking plays off but entire games? That's a good idea -- bet on the guy that likes to mail it in.
Bruce
Washington

That can only be in reference to Ryan Leaf. No. 2 overall and a magazine coverboy coming outta school became the biggest bust in 10 years. If SD had to do it over again, they would have ingested him when he was holding out before his first camp.
Tony Leva
Streamwood, Ill.


"Ohhhhh, rat fart!"

To Sage Rosenfels ... imagine this conversation Sage has with the Redskins: "So let me get this straight, I go from having a chance to throw 30-plus balls a game in the fun 'n' gun offense to playing for a guy who brings offenses to as much a halt as the caterpillar that's been on his face since his Hurricanes assistant coaching job? Ohhhhh, rat fart!"
Todd Lincoln
Arlington Heights, Ill.

The collective cry of one out of every 12 fantasy owners when the ticker reports Fred Taylor's inevitable season-ending injury. Bonus Quote: "Double farts!" The collective cry the following week of the one out of 100 fantasy owners that managed to draft a backfield of both Fred Taylor and Edgerrin James.
Jeff
Carrboro, N.C.

To Shaun Alexander, who has been the second or third pick in most fantasy drafts this fall even though he has had only one good season, and was beaten out for the starting job on his own team by Ricky Watters twice last year.

If you picked him, you'll never get a better time to trade him than today. If you still haven't drafted, stick with consistent gentlemen like Curtis Martin and Corey Dillon.
Steve McDevitt
Medford, Mass.

To Packers fans who will be saying this when they realize what they have done resting their hopes on Terry Glenn. The honeymoon shall soon be over.
S.A. Dashevsky
Winnipeg, Manitoba

To Jim Mora, because it sounds like something he'd say. I have to admit that I'm going to miss Mora. Especially his rants. Sure, he wasn't a great playoff coach, but he had some of the funniest post-game press remarks of any coach ever! And they were totally unintentional! He was just saying what was on his mind (not like John McKay, another comic great, who was conscious of his wit). My favorite, of course, is "diddly poo." Where did he get that? I nearly lost my lunch from laughing so hard the first time I heard him say that.
Justin Rudkins
Little Rock, Ark.


"This a check for $70,000!"
"Keep it."

Tom Brady
Tom Brady's checking out memberships at the Bushwood Country Club.

You can't help but think that this is what Tom Brady's life is like now after the $30 mil. contract. Hot chicks, and checks lying around. Can I offer you a drink ... tuna-colata?
Emmit Fitzhume
Hollywood, Calif.


"Ooooh, my arm ... it's broken!"

This move has Kordell Stewart written all over it when he throws an interception in the fourth quarter of this season's Monday Night opener in New England, effectively losing the game. Is there a bigger choker in the game? No. Is there a more overrated QB who has consistently choked? Well, probably Bledsoe, but that's neither here nor there.
Mark Ray
Boston


"Get dressed, Spaulding, you're going to play golf"
"No I'm not, grandpa, I'm playing tennis"
"You're going to play golf and you're going to like it."

This one has to go out to Terrell Owens and Tony Gonzalez and their illustrious basketball careers. I wonder if they woke up one day and said, "I make a buttload of money playing a game, I wonder if I could make even more by playing two?!"
Andrew G "The Litz"
Enfield, Conn.


"You know, my dad never liked you."

Jonathan Kraft to Drew Bledsoe on his way out the door to Buffalo. Think about it.
Brian Hanley
Melrose, Mass.


"You're a disgrace! You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by rats!"

Sayeth Judy Trammell, Psychopath Choreographer, to the Cowboy Cheerleaders. Mostly because this bitch-on-wheels probably has said it to her pom-pom waving beauties at least twice this season already, but also because she has, in a large way, ruined my perverted fascination with the Cowboy Cheerleaders. Damn you, Judy. Damn you to Indianapolis.
Steve Ross
Denver


"There is no God."

This goes to the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl. That wasn't so bad in and of itself; what is worse is that I will have to see Bill Simmons mention that they won the Super Bowl at least once in each of his columns, thus taking a possible A-plus column down to an A-minus.
Steve Kramzer
Pittsburgh

With respect, to anyone who lived and died with the Buffalo Bills 1990-1994 and four successive Super Bowl losses. First try, wide right. Second try was against a team that, for one year, was absolutely awesome, the 1991 Redskins.

Check out the point differentials in some of their games. They were dominant. Third and fourth tries came agianst one of the better teams ever assembled. Bad timing. The '90-'91 Bills would have beaten the '94 Niners, the '95 edition of the Cowboys, maybe the '96 Packers, etc.
Steve Kirk
Radford, Va.

Simply put, Norv Turner. How this guy still is considered an offensive genius is beyond me. All of the teams he's coached since "Big D" have been absolutely horrific. He could be the nicest guy in the NFL and yet he will not win another Super Bowl. Do you really think he can do that in Miami? I know the power of the '70s porn mustache is strong, but hiring Norville was the kiss of death for the fish.
Brett
New York

Art Modell
Owners like Art Modell also get involved in mind games.

The fact that every freaking year we have to hear about the annual "myopic members of the '72 Dolphins undefeated team break out the champagne today after the last undefeated team falls." If there is a God, some team will go undefeated this year so Nicky B. and his boys will go away. And if God has a sense of humor, it will be the Bengals who go undefeated this year.
Sing Vang
St. Paul, Minn.

This would apply to the exact moment that pond-scum sucking Art Modell announced that he would be moving the team to Baltimore.

And ...

"You're a disgrace ... you're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by rats."

I hate to be repetitive but this would actually describe Art Modell, too.
Tracey Hoskin
El Segundo, Calif.


"Put me down for a five."

Great quote belongs to Tom Brady, who, after clearly benefitting from the correct interpretation of the tuck rule, refuses to admit that he was actually trying to throw the ball.
Jason Dubeshter
Boston

A tough one to interpret, but the way I see it, this one goes to Mike Martz. He loves to spread out the blame when bad things happen, like getting your pants coached off in the Super Bowl, yet he's so superbly full of himself and high on his own talents. I figure he probably cheats on the golf course.
Rick Terry
Wheeling, W.Va.


"It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying."

ABC execs to Dennis Miller.
Jeff
Carrboro, N.C.


"Probably just a routine emergency."

There is no player more suited for this quote than the "Cancer of Fantasy Football," Fred Taylor. Has anyone become a bigger joke at drafting time than "Full Recovery?" Freddy. But there's always someone willing to take him in the third or fourth round and get a grand chuckle out of the crowd. "He couldn't possibly go down for a third straight year, could he?" It's more routine than Ted Washington's trips to the buffet line.
Darren
Chicago


"I want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!"

To our USA basketball team ... we were just shown that our "second-tier" players are on par with other countries first-tier players, which is a surprise to many.

Once USA lost a game using college kids (1988 Olympics), we felt we had to send pros. Well, now we send pros and now we have lost again. So what's next? And by the way, does George Karl coach at all, or does he just stand there with one of the largest heads on the planet, with a look on his face that says his Ex-Lax is working just a little too quickly?
J. Shulburger
New York City


"Hey, you're a funny kid, why don't you get yourself a real haircut."

To Jeff Fisher ... obviously.
Jeff
Newport, R.I.


"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. Felt like I owed it to them."

Any draft pick for the Cincinnati Bengals. Ever.
Jonathan Costa
Storrs, Conn.


"This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. I bet you buy a hat like this and you get a free bowl of soup! Oh, it looks good on you, though."

Bill Cowher
Bill Cowher's "Sideline Bad Attitude Jaw Face" looks good on him, though.

Is there a worse look in the NFL than Bill Cowher's "Sideline Bad Attitude Jaw Face"? Let's face it, the Steelers have had the most hollow 12-4 and 13-3 seasons in recent history, and have gagged the AFC Title Game three times, twice in Pittsburgh.

To give the 2001 Steelers until Wednesday before the Pats game to get their Super Bowl reservations straight was criminal. No Respect for our P-Men. Looking forward to Belichick outgunning Cowher time and time again.
Ken C
Boston


"I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face ..."

Has to go to Jeremy Shockey of the Giants. Is it just me or has this guy been getting Ricky Williams-level hype?
Bob Amini
New York


"You tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him ... if he's as good as he says he is, he's gonna have to play me to prove it!"

To the rest of the NFL, from our woefully disprespected Super Bowl champion New England Patriots. Cripes, even the Texans are better, depending on who you ask. Where's the love, America?
Paul Cimino
Southborough, Mass.


"It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying."

This one goes to all of the Patriots' fans for whom, for some reason, winning the damn Lombardi Trophy wasn't enough. What does the rest of the league need to do or say to convince the Pats' fans to come off the ledge and properly celebrate their title? Your team made fewer mistakes than its opponents -- that's a good thing. The winning team usually does. Your team caught a few breaks along the way -- also a good thing. The winning team usually does. You know if the Pats had simply "taken care of business" and won each game by two or three touchdowns, you wouldn't be forced to deal with all of this pain. Hopefully next year they'll come throuigh for you. You won the title -- deal with it.
Patrick Atkins
Denver


"Let's go, while we're young!"

To any coach who calls a timeout to "ice the kicker." Is there anything more frustrating when you're watching a game? Especially if you're actually at the game, and are then subjected to two more minutes of helmet races on the jumbotron while everyone on the field stands around. Fortunately, I live in Cincinnati, so I rarely attend games that are close enough for the old "ice the kicker" move.
Jim Marietta
Cincinnati

To J.J. Stokes ... when is this guy gonna step up and become a player? He's 30 already, fer cryin' out loud, and to date has had only two seasons in which he scored more than four times. Four! After wathcing the Giants work over Terrell Owens, it's about time for Stokes to s--- or get off the pot.
Lance Salyers
Dayton, Ohio


"Nice kid, nice kid ... now I know why tigers eat their young."

Doug Flutie, the Hulk Hogan of the NFL, as he tries to find a way to turn San Diego against Drew Brees.


"Me winning isn't, you do!"

Danny gets what Ty is saying, yet he still corrects Ty's grammar. Well, I get why people think the Bears are going to be very good this year after their success last season, but I still feel the need to correct their assumption. Forget about the soft schedule of last year, or the fact that the starting quarterback is still Jim Miller. What about the fact that the Bears have yet to really look comfortable here in Champaign? Looking down their schedule, I think the Bears will be lucky to win eight games, let alone their division.
Mark Polishuk
London, Ontario

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine.




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