Well, I need a new intern.
After a triumphant eight-month stint as the original Sports Guy Intern, Jamie Agin is moving to Los Angeles to work for a television show. I know, I know ... a Massachusetts native and diehard Boston fan picking up and moving to Hollywood. What a copycat. But Jamie couldn't resist the chance to fetch coffee every day for Jim Rome. And how can you blame him?
Am I sad to see him leave? Absolutely.
Am I excited to replace him? Absolutely.
See, we're launching a bonafide contest to find the next Sports Guy intern. It's going to be complicated, unfolding over the course of the next few weeks, eventually making the "Bachelorette" and "American Idol" look like cable access shows. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Here's everything you need to know:
1. Applicants can only be between the ages of 21 and 25. If you're a college student, you have to be a senior to be eligible.
2. If you don't have a high-speed modem or a DSL line, don't bother applying. I need someone who can surf 30-40 newspapers and websites every morning and pick out the best links.
3. If you're not available by e-mail from 10:00 a.m.-2:00 p.m., Monday through Friday, don't bother applying.
4. If you can't see yourself working 25-30 hours a week for not a ton of money, don't bother applying. This is a "pay your dues" job -- a chance to have your own platform every day, learn a few things from me, get in the door at ESPN and everything else. It will lead to better things. Just look at what happened to Jamie, who gets to say stuff like, "Romey, you want two sugars with that, right?" now.
5. If you're interested in applying, scroll down to the submission form and fill out every box. If you screw this up in any way, we're tossing your application out because this means you're A.) not smart enough, and/or B.) incapable of following instructions.
6. For the "Why should you become the next Sports Guy Intern?" section in the application, you have between 200 and 400 words to explain why you should become my intern. Be as creative as possible. Please don't spend that time kissing my rear end or trying to write like me. Just be yourself. If you exceed the word limit with your mini-essay, we're tossing your application out. I'm not kidding. Even if it's 401 words, you're out.
7. Once you send in an application, ESPN.com reserves the right to re-run that mini-essay in its entirety -- no matter how good or how bad it was -- along with your name and hometown. Just be prepared. You could become the William Hung of ESPN.com.
8. You have a little over a week to submit your application, with the deadline being Friday at 3:00 p.m.. Then we'll sift through the applications and narrow it down to ten finalists. After that happens, the real contest begins. I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say that A.) someone will be getting voted off each week, B.) there could be a few celebrity judges along the way, and C.) you won't have to eat bugs or cow testicles.
9. Once we narrow it down to three contestants, that's going to be "The Finals." Without giving too much away, there will be seven "judges" in the final round: Myself; Jamie (in the Bill Rancic role); Mike Philbrick (the editor of Sports Guy's World); three other judges to be named; and then the voting poll we create for the contest (where the home audience can vote for their favorite candidate). Each judge will assign 4 points for their favorite candidate, 2 for the runner-up and 1 for third place. Highest total points wins.
10. If there's a tie for first place, my vote carries the day.
11. Winner starts working right away and remains the new Sports Guy intern for nine months. After that, we're replacing you with another contest, assuming I'm still alive.
Editor's Note: Stay tuned for the beginning of the contest, starting Feb. 15.
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.