By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- Group 1: 1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12

THE FINALISTS -- Group 2: 13-17 | 18-21 | 22-25

FINALIST NO. 1
Name: Kevin Cott
College: University of Georgia, 2002
Residence: Atlanta, GA
Current Job: law school student
Age: 24

You ask for an intern, I give you salvation.

The way I see it, there are three requirements that an applicant should have: first, an unhealthy obsession with sports and pop culture (check); second, the ability to write, and write well, preferably in English (check); third, and most important, the Intern should be an extension of yourself (check ... I will explain). By "extension," I do not mean someone who kisses your butt or shamelessly tries to mimic your writing style, but rather, someone who truly appreciates the subtleties of your column and would therefore have a natural understanding of what should go into SGW (much like great court vision, something that cannot be taught). Here are a few examples of times where I was utterly convinced that you had read my thoughts and put them into print:

  • In an ESPN interview, Mike Vick was once asked to pick between Tupac and Biggie, and chose Biggie. I was catatonic. My exact words were, "I'm going to pretend that never happened." You wrote almost the exact same quote in your column the next day. This is important.

  • When you listed Walsh/McKay as one of the greatest duos in modern history, I understood that it was not a joke.

  • Your two articles on the under-appreciation of Isiah Thomas and Scottie Pippen were basically verbatim of stances that I have been willing to come to blows with my friends over.

    I would list more, but words are at a premium here. And although I think that pretty much sums it up, here's a quick rundown of me:

    I graduated college in May of 2002, suddenly realized that my unmatched Madden prowess on Nintendo 64 would not feed a family, panicked, and in a rash move applied to law school. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I love sports, believe that the whole microcosm of life theory is cheesy but oh so true, and would kill to have a job that involves something which I care so much about. I value my fantasy basketball team over my class rank, believe that LeBron may or may not be the messiah, and think that being the Intern could help get some. In all seriousness, I've got some great ideas for the site and am looking forward to the challenge.

    In closing, I'd like to thank God.


    FINALIST NO. 2
    Name: Mike McManus
    College: University of Rhode Island (2003)
    Residence: New York, NY
    Current Job: Account Manager, New Jersey Devils (no joke)
    Age: 23

    Britney Spears doesn't clean her snack bar. It's true. I met Jason Alexander (not Costanza but Britney's ex) in Vegas last year. He broke the news to me. I was furious.

    Now that we've got that out of the way, hers a list of reasons/life experiences I can bring as an intern:

    1. I'm currently in the business of selling hockey tickets, which is the same as selling Zubaz pants for a living. It's a joke that I sell them, anyone who buys them is an idiot and it has no mass appeal whatsoever.

    2. I can bring a NY sports element that is often missing from Page 2 as a whole. Seed it some more.

    3. I would be another Yankee fan to ridicule.

    4. L.T. my childhood idol, once told me to "F" off. I was 11 at the time.

    5. Before I worked for the Devils, I interned for the Nets. As part of my duties, I would often be in the locker room. No experience can affect your life quite like seeing Brian Scalabrine nude.

    6. I got kicked out of Harrah's in New Orleans. Ron Artest was there but me, the 6, 5'' skinny kid was more of a threat.

    7. I really can't stand the Red Sox, Patriots and C's. Partly because I went to school in New England, partly because I hate them.

    8. I was 19-0 with the Colts in Super Tecmo Bowl.

    9. I actually wrote an 800-word story on the movie "Gladiator" for a "newspaper" here in NYC. Not "Gladiator 2" with Crowe, but the first one with Cuba Gooding Jr. and the guy from "A Few Good Men".

    10. I saw Karate Kid the musical.

    11. In a Karate Kid related story, I convinced a cover band to play "You're the Best Around"

    12. I'm wet from 3-point land.

    13. I wore a Seton Hall starter jacket in 6th grade.

    14. I discovered that Jason Biggs was on Drexel's Class. The secretary on that show was some Ex-Playboy model. They were dating last year and no one said anything about it. I would have.

    15. I was on Wa-Wild and Crazy Kids in 1992. I threw toilet paper on Omar Gooding and Donny Jeffcoat.

    Seed the kid. C'mon. Seed the kid all day.


    FINALIST NO. 3
    Name: Jim Regnier
    College: University of Illinois '04
    Residence: Aurora, IL
    Current Job: Unemployed!!
    Age: 23

    I'm not sure what you are looking for so I'm just going to tell you some things about myself that will show you why I'm qualified for this job. I think Will Ferrell should have received a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his role as Big Earl in "Starsky and Hutch". Whenever I go to a Bulls game and see John Salley's name on the '96 Championship Banner I laugh. I once wrote a 30-page paper in one night so that I could see "The Matrix Reloaded" ... I got a B. I live in the city "Wayne's World" took place in. I think Pele's bicycle kick is what turned the tide in WWII. Despite being an unemployed recent college grad my DVD collection has 143 volumes and has cost me well over a thousand dollars. This collection features: "Bachelor Party", "Big Trouble in Little China" and "Revenge of the Nerds 2". I am one of only 10 White Sox fans on the planet, which means that I know that Herbert Perry's nickname when he was with the Sox was "the Milkman". This also means I can renew ESPN's love of cursed Sox stories! I think Melo needs to worry less about snitches and more about playing defense. I named my '98 Chevy Cavalier LeBron. As I write this I am eating an Oscar Mayer Lunchable and drinking a beer. I think that Ami's ouster on the last season of Survivor was simultaneously thrilling and disappointing. As a spectator at an Illinois Club hockey game I once called a goalie a waste of sperm ... I later had a job interview with him. That last story is 100% true. I think Penny Hardaway's disappearance from the face of the earth has less to do with his separation from Shaq and more to do with his separation from Lil' Penny. My favorite part of the Super Bowl Shuffle is watching Gary "Mr. Clean" Fencik (a Yale grad) rap. I think the Chargers should only wear the Dan Fouts era uniforms. I believe U2's performance at Super Bowl XXXVI was the best thing that came out of 9/11. I think there's nothing funnier than a grown man referring to himself as "the Miz". Thank you.


    FINALIST NO. 4
    Name: Justin Rebello
    College: Northeastern University (2005)
    Residence: Boston, MA
    Current Job: Boston Globe Sports Section/City-Region Writer
    Age: 23

    Why should I be the new Sports Guy intern? Easy. My last internship was under the tutelage of one Peyton Manning.

    That's right.

    I was with Peyton for 3 seasons, 105 touchdowns, and 3 blown playoff games, and in my time there I've learned some valuable lessons from Number 18.

    1. NOTHING IS EVER MY FAULT.
    I went to get Reggie Wayne a cup of coffee, but the secretary had forgotten to order some more sugar. I screamed at her for four hours. Granted, it was my job to order the sugar, but someone had to take the blame. And it wasn't going to be me.

    2. NEVER EVER GO TO WORK WHEN IT'S LOUSY OUT.
    I hope this won't be a problem, but I can't be an effective intern if it's the least bit cold (below 40 degrees), or if there's any inclement weather (mist, for example).

    3. I AM THE GREATEST INTERN OF ALL TIME.
    That's what everyone keeps telling me. People are constantly singing my praises even though I have a difficult time performing under pressure in less than perfect circumstances.

    So there you go, my experience with Peyton has been time well spent, but it's time for me to move on, to win this contest, and be the new Sports Guy intern.

    And if I don't win, well, I'll just bitch to ESPN to get the contest rules changed. So there.

    THE FINALISTS -- Group 1: 1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12

    THE FINALISTS -- Group 2: 13-17 | 18-21 | 22-25

    Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.




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