By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- Group 1: 1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12

THE FINALISTS -- Group 2: 13-17 | 18-21 | 22-25

FINALIST NO. 9
Name: Dennis DeMarco
College: Cornell University '03
Residence: Bay Shore, NY
Current Job: Salesman Cintas Corporation
Age: 24

Every decision he makes is crucial. Every choice he makes can mean the difference between a win and a loss. He gets booed if he makes a mistake, but when he performs flawlessly no one remembers he was there. He is the background for every big moment in every big game in every stadium. The most underrated, unappreciated job in all of professional sports is the stadium music guy. Not only is he responsible for managing the day to day musical whims of 25 different players, but he has to do so while pleasing fans ages 5 to 95.

How do I know, well I've done it. Not in the big time, but it sure sounded like it. For the last five years I have been the music guy for one of the top drawing minor league baseball teams in the country.

You think it's easy, far from it. Sure, I know that it sounds like all you have to do is play some Jock Jams, 80's Metal and Top 40. Afraid not. While to the untrained ear, the difference between "Crazy Train" and "We're Not Gonna Take It" may seem trivial, in reality it could mean the difference between a ninth inning rally or a 1-2-3 inning.

Just like in every position on a team some players are much better then others. Anyone can just play batter intros and rally charges, but those at the top of their game do more, much more.

For example:

When Ralph Macchio is in attendance and is flashed on the score board are you ready with "You're The Best Around"?

When Mick Foley throws out the first pitch are you playing his entrance music?

When a contestant chips a golf ball into a toilet bowel for a valuable prize is "I'm Alright" from Caddyshack blasting in the background?

Bill -- I have answered all those questions and I have answered them correctly. The only question left to answer is:

-- When do I start?

In the words on John Fogerty:

"Put me in Coach, I'm ready to play"


FINALIST NO. 10
Name: Emily Gamelin
College: Suffolk University- May 2005
Residence: Boston, MA
Current Job: Full-time Student/ Model
Age: 20

I am a versatile linguist with a pair of 36C's and a love for all things athletic and classic TV reruns. As an aspiring model and a senior at Suffolk University in Boston, I have my finger on the pulse of the sports world and today's pop culture. By the way. what is Dylan McKay doing these days? I feel that with a little time and effort he could make a great addition to the team as a pinch hitter of the bench -- and we could even pay him in fifths of Hennessey. Right now my sports obsessed boyfriend (who is also an avid fan like myself) is scheming trade proposals that will get you to consider me for this coveted role. Currently his latest scheme involves a trip to Vegas for the AVN Awards, a throwback Alex English jersey and Miami Vice DVD's. Beyond my physical talents, I have a deep understanding of classic TV shows, and after being cajoled into watching "Showgirls" the other night I still have Grady Littlesque flashbacks every time I see Jesse Spano.

As much as I was hoping to land that coveted job at the Hooters on Friend St. and cater to a bunch of drunks wearing Mark Blount jerseys, I would prefer to spend my days toiling for you for the same meager wages. If you throw in one of those Celtics dresses that doubles as a ghetto prom dress I'd be willing to work for free. On a more serious note, I decided after tossing a few back at the Red Hat that I would love the opportunity to work for you and your esteemed column. I can even get the work done with a little on time with a little style. I've always wanted to visit LA, and I figure we could both benefit from this internship as I could begin my career as a Hollywood Starlet and you could become rich and famous as my agent. Just think "Entourage". Well Billy, I hope we can do business and good luck in your search for an internette.

Ciao -- Emily

P.S. I can send you a picture if it helps my chance and tell the Sports Gal we'll trade fashion tips over a Tall Mocha Frappichino.


FINALIST NO. 11
Name: Pete Freedman
College: Syracuse University
Residence: Syracuse, NY
Current Job: Student
Age: 20

I don't know much. But what I know, I know damn well ...

I know that I must be crazy to be awake and doing this at 4:12 in the morning.

I know Rick Pitino is the devil reincarnated. I know Danny Ainge has a plan, and I know that, no matter how hard I try, I can't figure it out. I know my mancrush on Tom Brady is probably unhealthy. I know that, even though I'm a lifelong Sox fan, I can't spell the last name of the first basemen who caught the final out in the 2004 World Series. I know I bought a Sox poster last year with Manny, Nomar and Pedro on it, and I know how funny it now looks on my wall.

I know that the first line in "The Karate Kid" is "Tell Uncle Louie the white wine is in the bottom drawer of the fridge." I know that, according to Ali (with an "i"), the referee at the All-Valley Championships reminds Mr. Miyagi of an uncle he has back in Tokyo.

I know that Seth Cohen is one of the 10 best characters from television in the past decade. I know that it's funnier to look back at and talk about "Napoleon Dynamite" than it is to suffer through the painfully-slow movie. I know that my mother thinks Will Ferrell has a fetish for walking around in his underwear -- and I think she might be on to something.

I know that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow named their child Apple Martin. I know that "Apple Martin" kinda looks like "apple martini," and I know that apple martinis are drinks I don't feel comfortable drinking in public, no matter how delicious they are.

I know that college is a sham. I know that everything I'm learning about journalism isn't coming from classroom -- it's coming from my work at The Daily Orange, Syracuse University's student newspaper. I know that I will be interning at The Miami Herald this summer, and I know it's a great opportunity.

I know I shouldn't even be applying for this job. I know that I don't fit the qualifications (see my age and year in school). I know that you won't want to give this position to someone who already has a pretty solid internship lined up. But I know I'd regret it if I didn't at least apply.


FINALIST NO. 12
Name: Matt Luckham
College: Northwestern University, 2004
Residence: Poway, CA
Current Job: Data Entry Clerk with aspirations of becoming a valet ... but laid off as of Monday, 1/31/05
Age: 22

Like many, Matt Luckham grew up with dreams of playing professional sports. Realizing in 1990 that he was slow, uncoordinated, and white, he then set his sights on becoming the Sports Guy Intern. Despite his mediocre athletic ability, Luckham lettered in cross country, basketball, and baseball in high school. On the basketball court, he led the league in Raise the Roof Maneuvers per game (8.6) in 1999, and was selected to the First Team All Chest Bump in 2000. On the baseball diamond, he was very close to winning the team's Most Improved Player award in 1997 and in cross country, Matt was awarded the "Largest Man with Smallest Shorts" distinction. Other accolades included "Guy You'd Most Like to Bring Home to Mom and Stepdad."

When he joined Northwestern University Club Baseball in 2000, coaches quickly recognized his talents and named him the team's Hydration Engineer and Batting Helmet Coordinator, positions he held all four years. Other activities included leading his intramural softball and flag football teams to several near victories, playing a central role in getting his fraternity kicked off campus while studying abroad in Spain, and studying many a broad in local bars.

Luckham adamantly defends his statement that Danny Almonte was the most dominating left handed pitcher in the history of the game. Matt is a Reality TV addict and Real World reject. He wishes he had more friends like Worm from Rounders and answers to the nicknames "Lucky," "Luckdogg," and "Meathead." Luckham can currently be seen hacking up golf courses all across Southern California, enjoying a styrofoam cup of horchata at Mexican food restaurants, and charitably donating his measly income to complete strangers via online poker. In the future, he plans to get married and have kids mainly to be that maniacal Pop Warner coach who plays his son at quarterback even though he has the accuracy of a Dan Rather special report. He is 22, single but hopeful, and does not care in the slightest about the NHL lockout.

6 Reasons Why I Should Be Your Intern:
1. I always finish what I sta
2. To my knowledge, I have never used "the cream" or "the clear."
3. I want to fetch Jim Rome's coffee in a few years.
4. I can read and write good.
5. I've been told I have a face for cyberspace.
6. This is exactly 400 words. Seriously. Count it.

THE FINALISTS -- Group 1: 1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12

THE FINALISTS -- Group 2: 13-17 | 18-21 | 22-25

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.




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