By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- Group 1: 1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12

THE FINALISTS -- Group 2: 13-17 | 18-21 | 22-25

FINALIST NO. 13
Name: Theresa MacDonald
College: American University, 2004
Residence: Washington, DC
Current Job: Unemployed
Age: 22

When I was approximately two years old, I learned the song "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." It wasn't until at least ten years later that I realized that the real words to that song are NOT "for it's root, root, root for the Red Sox." I just thought the whole country sang that song and rooted for the Red Sox. (I also thought "I don't care if I ever get fat" was one of the lyrics, but hey, cut me a break. I was a toddler. An extremely carb-conscious toddler, apparently).

Now I am a hot chick with a journalism degree and no job. As if my life isn't depressing enough, I constantly watch the Faith Rewarded DVD and cry myself to sleep at night. (Tears of joy, but when you wake up in the morning puffy-faced, it's hard to tell the difference between joy tears and other tears).

I think you should hire me because:

1. I rule.

2. I am writing this incredibly coherent essay at 4:51 a.m. after a night of boozing and karaoke.

3. I have a long history of internships involving writing, Internet research, and other great, useful crap like that.

4. I am refraining from kissing your ass even though it's all I want to do on a daily basis, even when I'm not applying for a job from you.

5. It would put the nail in the My-dad-loves-me-more-than-he-loves-my-brother coffin. And OH, how I've been on the edge of my seat waiting for that nail.

6. I will work for positive reinforcement and/or food.

I could go on, but really, why bother? I don't want to stick around like Coral on a Real World/Road Rules challenge. Let me just leave you with this: My bathroom is adorned with framed Red Sox memorabilia. JOHNNY DAMON WATCHES ME PEE!!!!! Have you ever seen that sentence typed? No? Me neither. Case closed.

Clearly, I'm your new intern. I'llbe reporting for duty Monday. Go Patriots. Later, dude.

Love and kisses,
Theresa


FINALIST NO. 14
Name: Anthony Mason
College: Indiana University 2004
Residence: Bloomington, IN
Current Job: interviewing
Age: 25

In the movie "Dream Lover," actor Cal Jammer asks Christy Canyon, "What makes you think you deserve this 'job'?" Canyon replies, "It's simple. I want it. I need it." An intense Jammer fires back, "BUT DO YOU DESERVE IT?!?"

I DO DESERVE IT! I became a sports nut mostly because I liked playing sports when I was little. However, unlike most little kids I enjoyed watching sports, too. My dad traveled quite a bit and when he got back, he liked to unwind by flipping on a game, any game. So as a 7-year-old, I stayed up till 2:00 a.m. watching college basketball games involving San Jose St and UTEP with guys like Steve Physioc doing play-by-play, if I wanted spend time with my father.

I remember when I really became a sports fan. It was during the 1984 MLB playoffs. We do not have a baseball team in Indiana and my mom had a crush on Craig Nettles so I jumped on the San Diego Padres Bandwagon and it has been a crazy ride ever since. However, this was such a user-friendly team for a five year old because everyone was easy to recognize. Nettles and Garvey looked like B movie stars, Goose had the 'stache, and Templeton had more activator in his hair than the prince of "Soul Glow." Couple all that with those hideous uniforms and I was hooked.

To let you know a little more about myself, here are a few thoughts I have had this morning while filling out law school apps.(by the way, I'd skip law school to read articles and scour box scores for the next 9 months):

"I bet Jim Rome had multiple pairs of Zubaz at some point."

"David Stern purposely ushered in the Lloyd Daniels era to be an example for talented players on why they should go to college."

"Why did Don Cheadle's career take off, while Cleavon Little's fizzled out?"

Finally, if you are wondering why I just graduated in December (B.A. Economics) at the age of 25. I worked for a production company in London and Vegas before finishing up my last semester. Also, a Final Four run by IU in spring 2002 set me back a semester as well, for obvious reasons.


FINALIST NO. 15
Name: Jake Brill
College: Bowdoin College, 2004
Residence: Brighton, MA
Current Job: Mental Health Associate
Age: 22

The worst moment of my sporting life: leaving my girlfriend's brother's wedding early to attend Game 3 of the ALCS, only to have the Yankees lineup bash my faith as if it were a Leskanic 88 mph fastball. The best: running into my best friend from kindergarten 2 weeks later in the middle of Boston. Why? We were both climbing street poles and singing "Dirty Water" as we celebrated this year's World Series.

See, I am obsessed with sports -- I go to all lengths to listen to WEEI and read the Globe sports section (not to mention espn.com) every day, although I am convinced Fred Smerlas is the missing link between man and ape and Shaughnessy is the Antichrist. In college, I even did a sports talk radio show with my buddy (centered mainly on Boston teams) called Jake and Ted's Excellent Adventure -- our second show was the Bogus Journey. I love getting into arguments with my friends about random crap such as Texas' fourth outfielder (David Delluci) to the highest kicker ever drafted (Sebastian Janikowski fits all definitions of "highest"). I cried when I watched "Faith Rewarded" this week, I run the Pats' franchise in Madden 2005, and I was probably one of five people thrilled when you analyzed each member of the Celtics. I have high speed internet and I work 3 to 11 every day, so no worries there.

More importantly, though, whatever intern crap is thrown my way, I'm sure it pales in comparison to my job. See, I work on the adult unit of a psychiatric hospital (gotta love that Psychology major), where just last night I got scratch marks on my hand restraining a female who had punched a coworker in the face. I have been called every, and I mean every, name in the book by people convinced they are vampires, senators or Jesus. I have had to clean up vomit, urine and most recently "number two" when I found a Puerto Rican patient with no English abilities -- meaning I was the only one who could talk with her (gotta love that Latin American Studies major) -- rolling around in her own diarrhea. And you know what? I make an annual salary of roughly $23,000 before taxes and benefits. So whatever you throw at me as the intern, even if it's piles of feces, go right ahead. I can handle it.


FINALIST NO. 16
Name: Gabe Spitzer
College: Wesleyan University 2005
Residence: Middletown, CT
Current Job: Worthless 2nd semester senior
Age: 22

The way I figure, there are at least eleventy billion reasons why you should give me the job of next Sports Guy Intern, including some boring ones such as being the sports editor of the Wesleyan newspaper and interning for Aaron Brown at CNN. But alas, since space is limited, I randomly selected reasons 7,742 to 7,749. In no order of importance:

7,742: Each day, I sit in the library for about six hours attempting to work on my thesis. Instead, I find every web site possible to distract me from making any semblance of progress. The other day, I found myself checking out Danny Tomori's stats at Japaneseballplayers.com. Maybe he can be the next Mac Suzuki.

7,743: I've turned down Stat Boy's offer to be his protégé in the quest for a more illustrious mentor.

7,744: Wesleyan celebs with sports connections:

a) Bill Belichick '75 -- Smartest man alive, same college as me. Need I say more?

b) Jeffrey Maier '06 -- I was asked to leave Chemistry 114 after booing him during attendance.

c) Amanda Belichick '07 -- How does Bill Simmons-Belichick sound to you? Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. I get the internship, you get a date. Sports Gal, Schmorts Gal, one day you'll be referring to Bill as "Dad" while talking defense and sipping Cristal on the eighth hole at the Nantucket Golf Club.

7,745: Do you really want a non-New Englander as an intern? I can't really see you and Tony from the Bronx chatting about Jeter over a slice.

7,746: I was finding web porn before Al Gore even invented the internet. My record for locating the Jamie Lee Curtis breast shot from "Trading Places" is faster than Tim Montgomery's 100-meter time, and I'm not riding the 'roid train like him or Giambi.

7,747: If chosen, I will deliver an unforgettable rhyming catchphrase used by Corey Maggette while receiving oral sex (I swear, I heard it from a girl I know).

7,748: I vomited on Yankee Stadium after game six of the ALCS, and urinated on it after game seven for good measure, all while sporting my El Guapo t-shirt (thank God he's alive).

7,749: I thought about writing this in the shape of Johnny Damon's head, but I'm not artistically creative enough. If you turn me down for failing, I understand.


FINALIST NO. 17
Name: Brian "The Meathead" Ahearn
College: University of Central Florida, Fall 2003
Residence: Fort Lauderdale, FL
Current Job: Working at Dad's office
Age: 28

I should be your intern because I am already pretty famous. You have already mentioned me in one of your columns (I was "The Meathead" on the WB's High School Reunion). I believe my reality tv experience will help me immensely during the contest portion. In reference to your other requirements, I do not have a DSL line at home I had to get rid of it because I was getting too much spam from surfing free porn sites and gambling online. As long as I am not going to be surfing "bad" sites I can probably do it at my dad's office which is kind of where I am currently employed, but my responsibilites really only consist of transferring old files from the office to storage in my Lexus. I have no problems giving you 25 hours a week, but if at all possible can it be from 2-6 and not 10-2 because I usually don't get up before 1 because of my problems with alcohol. Since you've seen my show you know I am very popular with the ladies. In case you missed it I was voted Prom King (on the show, not in high school). I believe this will help increase your female audience. I believe my approach of kissing every girls butt until it is chapped is the best way to get a girl in the sack, even if is only for sympathy. In conclusion, I don't think you should miss out on having me, AHEARN!!!!, as your next intern because I can bring that degree of celebrity to your website and also because I am one good looking bald guy.

THE FINALISTS -- Group 1: 1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12

THE FINALISTS -- Group 2: 13-17 | 18-21 | 22-25

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.




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