By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE WINNERS: 1-5 | 6-10 | 11-16

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE ELIMINATED: 1-9


FINALIST NO. 6
Name: Dennis DeMarco
College: Cornell University '03
Residence: Bay Shore, NY
Current Job: Salesman Cintas Corporation
Age: 24

ESPN6 Prime Time Line Up:

Monday:
Newlywed's: Anna & Enrique
Watch as Anna deals with unexpected guests, locked-out hockey stars Sergei Fedorov and Pavel Bure. Meanwhile, husband Enrique can't escape his incredible urge to make out with the entire cast of "The OC".

Tuesday:
Rock & Jock -- Amazing Race
Twelve teams, each consisting of one athlete and one celebrity, take part in a race around the world.

Starring ...
Team Disappointing Sibling: Eli Manning & Ashlee Simpson
Team 7 Train: Jon Rocker & Elton John
Team Jailbait: Hilary Duff & Maria Sharapova

Wednesday:
Win Mark Cuban's Money
Game show where contestants try to create a team that can win the most regular season games without advancing past the second round of the playoff. But be careful in the bonus round Cubes will join the game and attempt to steal away your free agents.

Thursday:
CBPL -- College Beer Pong League Game of the Week
Each week a new set of co-eds prove that drinking Natty Ice in a dingy basement, while throwing ping pong balls into Solo cups, isn't just a sport, but more importantly that it is worth the $30,000 per year that their parents are paying for them to do it.

Friday:
The Odd Sized Couple
Sitcom documenting the day to day life of two men who "grew up" in very different worlds.

Yao Ming: Hello my diminutive friend!
Gary Coleman: Arnold? How did he beat me? Did they see "Jingle All the Way"?
Yao Ming: I will not shave for half a year if we can not finish top eight at Athens
Gary Colemen: Whatchu talking about Yao?

Saturday:
Miz's World
Magic Hour meets Springer. We give The Miz a mike, 3 shots of Montezuma, and a Hawaiian shirt-wearing Dikembe Mutombo as a band-leading bongo player. This week's guests will include Road Rules "I'll put anything in my mouth" Kendell, MTV lifer Eric Neiss' jump rope, and Ricky William's gardener.

Viewer's Note: The show is temporarily in reruns for several weeks so Miz can partake in Battle of the Sexes XVI.

Sunday: View from the Booth
Bill Walton, Jim Ross & Randy Jackson discuss the important issues of in the world of sports and entertainment. This week's topic: the rampant use of performance enhancers in the world of pop music. Here is a sample:

Jackson: Listen Dawg, I don't know what you talking about, Lindsay Lohan has pure talent.

JR: My God!!! Are you kidding? Talent? What about the blatant use of those foreign objects? Those things don't just pop out while your back is turned.

Walton: How sad! The Dead never needed anything to enhance their performance.


FINALIST NO. 7
Name: Emily Gamelin
College: Suffolk University- May 2005
Residence: Boston, MA
Current Job: Full-time Student/ Model
Age: 20

ESPN6 Program Ideas:

1. Real World: Portland. Any time you can put Qyntel Woods, his pit bulls, Damon Stoudamire, D Smiles (we'll even let Q come visit for an episode) and Zach Randolph in a house together you can't go wrong. If he is not in jail, Rueben Patterson will play a prominent role in the San Diego "Brad" mantra. Also, we'll fly Bonzi Wells in for an episode or two and during an episode when he is suffering from "black flashes" we can watch him freak out when Stoudamire passes out after his fifth gravity bong hit. Other episode ideas include the house having to organize a D.A.R.E event, working at a soup kitchen and a "Pimps and Hos" party with the Blazer cheerleaders.

2. Along the similar line of exploiting our NBA pals, I am thinking of an Elimidate: NBA Groupies type show. We'll get someone like AI or Dirk and have him take a bunch of his groupies on a date and allow them to fight it out for him. Here is the plot twist. Groupies can score points by backstabbing each other and the final two enter into a "bitch slap" contest to win. The girl who has the best slap wins her man.

3. A game similar to "RollerGames" that features NHL goons like Bob Probert, Chris "Knuckles" Nilan, Marty McSorley, P.J. Stock and Tie Domi. Basically, we could incorporate them into a "RollerGames" series and we can even bring "Mr. Mean" out of retirement for old times sake. We can get average Joes (including Vince Vaughn) to try out for teams and get their butts kicked by these guys. And we'll throw in some porn stars like Jenna Jamison, Tera Patrick and Jill Kelly for good measure. Also we'll get Michael Buffer and Marv Albert as commentators. This can't fail.

Other ideas:

NBA players playing H.O.R.S.E. for each other's cars, "bling" and yachts. (Latrell needs to feed his children)

A form of Jackass where we get crazy people to streak at sporting events and watch them get drilled by athletes.

Something involving college football mascots, keg stands, a "Revenge of the Nerds" tricycle race, Tonya Harding and Mike Tyson.

A show where degenerate gamblers bet their life savings on things like "What is the over/under of the times Homer says "D'oh" on a given Simpson's episode" and "what are the odds that A-Rod hires a hitman to take out Jeter's knee". Any ludicrous bet could work here, the possibilities are endless. We could even follow the losers through the streets of Vegas and watch them turn into a disgruntled Louis Winthorpe III.


FINALIST NO. 8
Name: Rich Levine
College: Colgate University 2002
Residence: Boston, MA
Current Job: Editorial Assistant
Age: 25

Here's what's in store for you tonight on ESPN6:

At 8 pm, accusations will fly, and we'll find out if denial's really more than just a river in Egypt ... not that there's anything wrong with that. It's ESPN's Real World: Straight as an Arrow.

Jeff Garcia: "This is the true story ..."
Kordell Stewart: "of seven strangers ... "
Jeremy Shockey: "picked to live in a house ... "
Matt Millen: "and have their lives taped ... "
Isaiah Thomas: "and find out what happens ... "
Mike Piazza: "when people stop being polite ... "
Terrell Owens: "and start getting REAL ... "

DO NOT miss the last five minutes ...

At 8:30, with the assistance of the latest in ESPN6 technology, we bring you the Battle of the Hollywood All-Stars ...

Last week's 3-Point Contest was a memorable one, with Hickory High's Jimmy Chitwood emerging victorious over Big State's Jesus Shuttlesworth, and tonight should be no different as some of Tinseltown's top QBs collide in Bristol. How will the universe react to the first face-to-face meeting between Shane Falco and Johnny Utah? Did Joe Kane ever end up bringing the Heisman Trophy back to ESU? Who'll represent the West Canaan Coyotes? Lance Harbor or Mox? We'll find out!

At 9, is the premiere of the Amazing Race: Lost in Translation ... Host Dikembe Mutombo leads three teams on a cross-country trek from New York to L.A. where contestants must perform a series of physical and mental tasks along the way. But there's one catch: No translators allowed.

Starring: The Darko Side: Darko Milicic and Jose Contreras
No Means Nomo: Hideo Nomo and Vlad Guerrero
The Nikol and Dimers: Nikoloz Tskitishvili and Adrian Beltre

Next, at 9:30, check out the latest installment of Wingman 2K5.

We're giving some professional "players" the chance to show off their co-piloting skills in this new competition. Each night, two athletes head out alongside Joe Average with one goal in mind ... Get the boy some lovin'. The player who convinces the most women to give our resident slob a chance advances to the next round. Tonight, Steve Nash, who's been known to make a little Canadian bacon with the ladies, and Michael Vick, who's no stranger to the Dirty Bird, hit the club scene with Bob Erickson, a 32-year old postal employee from Detroit. May the best pimp win.

Finally, is LeBron the best ever? We'll take a look at three gods ... um, we mean guys, who might disagree. Every night from 10-12, ESPN6 airs a different game from the careers of Michael, Magic or Larry. Hey, Lebron gets his nightly showcase, right? We thought it was only fair that this trio get a rebuttal before James is officially dubbed King of the Association.


FINALIST NO. 9
Name: Rebekah Lorenz
College: Harvard, 2002
Residence: Cambridge, MA
Current Job: Head Coach, Cambridge Masters Swim Club
Age: 24

What would I put on ESPN 6? Well by its very nature such a tertiary, or I guess in this case senary (look it up, it's a real word) network is for extremely specialized interests, like reality shows following the Graff-Agassis, watching their children's badminton careers flourish, or Magnus and Kristin Samuelsson, Sweden's strongest couple. We could watch their son David hurl cars at people. Now THAT's entertainment. Other options:

All-Pro Gladiator
Seriously, how much would you pay to see Pedro and Zimmer battle it out in the American Gladiators arena? Shaq vs Kobe, Steinbrenner vs Brian Cashman, Heather Mitts vs. Anna Kournikova, Mia Hamm vs. Nomar Hamm ... the possibilities are endless. Like Belichick and breasts in beer ads, this show can't lose.

Instead of 'roid drones like Viper and Nitro we'd have 'roid drones like Canseco and Giambi clotheslining Sergio Garcia and Mike Vanderjagt in Powerball. Nate Newton could face off with Ricky Williams in the joust for a year's supply of marijuana. See Shawn Kemp race Larry Johnson in the Eliminator, loser pays the winner's child support for a year. With no rules, on this show A-Rod can slap around all the balls he wants, except Canseco's (too hard to find).

Tetherball Championships: Surreal Life
Headcases, egos, and desperation rule this show as a misfit bunch of athletes inhabit one house before the World Tetherball Championships. GMs could use the show to rid themselves of the likes of Keith Van Horn and Freddie Mitchell. Andy Reid will realize Freddie is untradeable as soon he's done working ... out ... his ... hurry-up ... offense and will have to figure out a way to get him off the roster. This is it.

The winner of the tetherball tournament keeps his contract; everyone else is out. Imagine the pressure of constantly living with your competition. Tanya Harding would grab a crowbar, Greg Norman would just explode. We could even get BK Kim off the Sox roster. (How's he still here? Like Joaquin Phoenix in "Gladiator," this vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.)

In Your Face Countdown
It's obvious we need this show. My personal favorites:

  • Deer in the Headlights Face -- includes Mike Martz, Grady Little, and Peyton "that interception was all your fault" Manning.

  • The Ryan Seacrest "I am the luckiest man alive/Why am I here with these lunatics?" Face. The William Shatner "Why are people still hiring me?" Face is similar.

  • The D-Lowe Face. If you don't know this one, you are a Dodgers fan/administrator and I'm sorry. You know what? Close your browser. Right now. You just don't want to know.

  • The Bill Simmons "I just found my intern" Face. Wait for it ... Grab a mirror ... There.


    FINALIST NO. 10
    Name: Matt Luckham
    College: Northwestern University, 2004
    Residence: Poway, CA
    Current Job: Data Entry Clerk with aspirations of becoming a valet ... but laid off as of Monday, 1/31/05
    Age: 22

    ESPN to launch new network, former intern named Director of Programming

    BRISTOL, Connecticut (AP) -- The Worldwide Leader in Sports announced Monday its plans to launch ESPN6 in the immediate future.

    Asked why the network vaulted from ESPN2 to ESPN6, inexplicably skipping ESPNs 3, 4, and 5, newly appointed Director of Programming Matt Luckham said, "The number 6 is such a sexy number-so swoopy and voluptuous-qualities we hope to embody in this historic venture."

    Luckham is a curious choice to head the network, his only related experience being an intern for ESPN.com's the Sports Guy and "not sucking at stuff." Luckham has already announced his plans to move the new station from Bristol, Connecticut to San Diego in order to avoid a parole violation and to distance himself from "Team Canada," his name for bitter, mulleted hockey fans.

    The network will cater to a niche audience, broadcasting lesser-known sports such as jai-alai and elephant polo in combination with a heavy-hitting lineup of new programs, such as:

    "Hulk Up with Hochuli"
    NFL referee Ed Hochuli provides a weight training program and healthy eating tips. Special guest Fred McGriff endorses Hochuli's workout, saying it was actually the main reason behind those back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championships, not Tom Emanski's video series. Jose Canseco casts doubt on claims, alleging that he personally injected Hochuli, McGriff, and all of the 13-year-olds in the butt with steroids.

    "My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad"
    Unsuspecting fathers are thrown in the ring to settle once and for all the playground disputes of their children. The first episode pits Steven Weiss against Manuel Cruz after Roberto called Maggie a "doo-doo head" and stole her chocolate milk.

    "The Wonder Years"
    Take a trip down memory lane as former high school jocks relive their glory days. The premier profiles quarterback Earl "The Squirrel" Johnson, a garbage collector from Springfield, MA, as he tells the story of leading Springfield High to the 1975 State Championship game. Johnson blames the 39-17 loss on being benched in the 4th quarter "because Coach hated me," costing him a D-I scholarship and a date with head cheerleader Cindy Cooper.

    "Deputy Diesel"
    Shaquille O'Neill fulfills his dream of becoming a law enforcement officer in this new reality series. Shaq encounters crime, drugs, and mud-slinging ex-teammates in Miami's toughest neighborhoods, yelling "KAZAAM!" whenever he makes an arrest. In the premier, trouble ensues when The Big Sheriff-stotle goes undercover as a jockey to expose a horserace fixing scandal.

    Programs in the developmental stage include "Making the Band" with Ron Artest, "Simple Life 4: Interns" starring Ricky Williams and former Expos' mascot Youppi, and "Wife Swap" starring Anna Benson and a player to be named later.


    THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE WINNERS: 1-5 | 6-10 | 11-16

    THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE ELIMINATED: 1-9




  • Bill_Simmons
    Bill
    Simmons
    THE SPORTS GUY