By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE WINNERS: 1-5 | 6-10 | 11-16

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE ELIMINATED: 1-9


FINALIST NO. 11
Name: Theresa MacDonald
College: American University, 2004
Residence: Washington, DC
Current Job: Unemployed
Age: 22

Let me start by saying that if I were ever in charge of programming on ESPN6, the first program I would show would be the televised firing of whoever put me in charge of programming on ESPN6. Because that's just a BAD idea. Plus, everyone likes a good firing. And there my ratings bonanza would begin.

Since the consensus among my friends was that it was the sentence that knocked me into the Top 25 during the first round of entries, I contemplated how "Johnny Damon Watches Me Pee: The Television Series" might translate onto the small screen. The disgusted look on my mother's face when I ran the idea by her made me think it wouldn't go over too well, so I axed it. Plus, JD probably isn't into that sort of thing, unless he's a Pisces.

But turn around, bright eyes! My Super Sweet ideas didn't end there! Under my supreme reign, ESPN6 would feature exactly what you've all been waiting for (even if you haven't yet realized it): A sports clip show hosted, not by talking heads or former athletes, but by former Road Rules castmate Theo. In case you were wondering, Theo brought us such great quotes as, "like cinnamon in a ham salad" and, "Its like they've all been eating crazy wafers." Personally, I think cameras should just be following him around constantly, so that I could hear his take on going to the bank or standing in grocery store lines. o I definitely want him to put his poetic spin on the plays of the week. I'm thinking of giving him a sidekick -- possibly Lo from Laguna Beach. Mostly because I have a non-sexual girl crush on her and find her giggle infectious.

I would also televise Dance Dance Revolution competitions. I don't feel the need to explain that any further.

Finally, in the grand spirit of nepotism, I would give my brother his own show, entitled "Name My Ride." In this show, my brother would go to people's homes and use his God-bestowed talent to name their vehicles after appropriate sports professionals. Now, before you say, "What the hell kind of talent is that?" and get all confrontational and use finger quotes around the word "talent," I implore you to consider this: In high school, I drove a gray 1987 Chevy Celebrity with a rusted off bumper, a leaky roof, and a family of dead rodents in the engine. My brother named my car Otis Nixon because it was, in his words, "the ugliest car in the universe, but it still runs really well."

Just like Nixon. And, of course, it was full of drugs. Now, THAT'S talent. AND that's good television.


FINALIST NO. 12
Name: Renee
College: University of Alberta 2005
Residence: Edmonton
Current Job: Accounting Student
Age: 23

Well Bill, it took 4 hours and 8 cups of coffee trying to meet your East Coast biased deadline (during Spring Break), but I think I've come up with a couple of shows America has been waiting to see. First though, I want you consider something I don't think I mentioned in my initial application ... if you don't hire me as your intern I could be forced to become an accountant. That's right, take a deep breath and think about that ...

Anyway, here are the ideas and they're all copyrighted so don't even think about doing me like VH1 did you with Committed starring Doug and Jackie Christie.

1) Dunking Basics with Chris Anderson -- there's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, and now, there's Chris Anderson's performance in Saturday's dunk contest. I was on the ground, dry heaving Donovan McNabb style after the 5th attempt.

2) The Mealticket .. 30 down on their luck contestants vie for the chance to become a member of Zach Randolph's posse. Contestants will be judged according to the following criteria:

"Chemistry" -- determined by one-on-one hang out sessions, Playstation dates, as well as group dates with the real posse.

"Utility" -- based on the ability to facilitate groupie hook-ups, formulate post slam dunk celebrations, and the overall capacity to personify the word "fool".

"The Fro" 00 if I've said it once ... I've said it a million times ... it's not about size on this one ... it's about shape and texture.

  • Note: Since ESPN is an equal opportunity employer white contestants will be required to perm their hair for this portion of the show.

    Also, instead of a "Rose Ceremony" there will be an "Opulent Gift Ceremony" at the end of each show. Posse essentials like full-length white minks, Blackberrys, Sean John velvet warm-ups, and Louis Vuitton man-purses will be given away weekly. The ultimate winner will become the owner of a new Gold Plated Hummer with the words "Don't Playa Hate" spelled out in diamonds on the side doors and a miniature aquarium in the trunk.

    Great thing about this show is the product placement and spin-off possibilities; it could give birth to an array of future classics involving groupies, agents, and shoe companies.

    3) Celebrity poker with Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick. Purely for selfish reasons, I just want to hear Norman Chad breakdown "The Peyton Manning Face" during the close-ups.

    4) Gangsta'd -- Think Punk'd, except, instead of celebrities, Stephen Jackson is the only one getting punked over and over. It's all about laying the foundation, setting the stage, and letting human nature bring it home.

    *Muah*
    Renee


    FINALIST NO. 13
    Name: Gabe Spitzer
    College: Wesleyan University 2005
    Residence: Middletown, CT
    Current Job: Worthless 2nd semester senior
    Age: 22

    Hitting the airwaves this Wednesday, the folks who brought you "The Worldwide Leader," "The Deuce," "Thrice It Up," "The Deuce Squared," and "The Pentagon," will inundate you with an all new, all the time, adrenaline pumping, 24-hour sports network. Introducing, ESPN6: "The Square Root of 36"! Here are some sample programs from day one of "The Root":

    7:00-8:00am: Jurassic Carl!
    After years of talking about himself, the Bible and the non-existence of dinosaurs, Carl Everett is ready to give back to the community. Parents and children alike will love this educational science, sports, and religion show where Everett lectures on topics such as "Mars: Real, or a government conspiracy?", "Why Field Hockey is better than the Bobsled," and "Politicking: The reasons Q should be later in the alphabet."

    Special guests will include Eve of "Adam and Eve" fame, and everyone's favorite midget, Nelson de la Rosa.

    7:00-8:00pm: Who Wants to Be a U.S. Citizen?
    Hosted by "The Twin Towers," Manute Bol and Gheorge Muresan, this quiz show/skills challenge hour will not be one to miss. 16 current and former foreign athletes -- including Hideki Irabu, temptress Gabriela Sabatini, Doron Sheffer, Wang Zhi-Zhi and Matt Stairs -- will vie to earn their citizenship by being quizzed on all things American.

    The premiere will showcase a knee-slapping lightning round about the War of 1812, a karaoke sing-a-long to Europe's "The Final Countdown," an apple pie bakeoff, and a diorama contest of the library from "The Breakfast Club."

    Who will be the first contestant to get their deportation papers?

    10:00-11:00pm: When VarAttacks!
    You saw him lead the Red Sox to a World Series, now watch as he shows those hoodlums who's boss in this serial drama. Backstop by day, crime stopper by night, everyday is a doubleheader for Jason Varitek. He takes crime by the genitals, all while in full catcher's gear. 'Tek is the glue that holds the precinct together.

    In the first episode, "Missing Mirabelli," Varitek goes deep into the mean streets of Methuen in search of his backup. Will he come out in one piece? Is arch-nemesis A-Rod involved, or is he too busy frosting his tips and running stairs? Tune in to find out.

    There is oh so much more on ESPN6, such as "Bro's Before Ho's?" a chronicle of NBA life from the perspective of the wily women out on the town in search of some super-seed. Also, if you are an insomniac or just can't get enough of negotiations, don't forget about "Collective Bargaining Bonanza" from 2:00-5:00a.m. hosted by "The Commish," Fay Vincent.

    See you Wednesday on "The Root"!


    FINALIST NO. 14
    Name: Alexandra Treff
    College: The Ohio State University - 2003
    Residence: Columbus, Ohio
    Current Job: Consultant
    Age: 24

    The Question: "If they ever put me in charge of ESPN6 some day, what would be the first batch of original shows that I would come up with for the network?"

    The Answer: Not just AI. Asking what kind of original programming a person would develop if given free reign of a cable network is the real-life equivalent of finding a potato chip shaped like Abraham Lincoln -- you immediately begin coming up with things that you could do with it and none of them are remotely normal.

    If I had to come up with a batch of original shows, I would use music. I would have a show with the J. Geils Band and I would probably call it "Freeze Frame. I would somehow put Mike Tyson, Gilbert Gottfried, Tonya Harding and "Access Hollywood's" Kevin Frazier together at a news desk at least five times a week. I would probably throw in a boxing ring, and Tonya Harding would probably win every fight. I would make Anna Nicole Smith walk up to coaches of losing teams and ask them how they're feeling, then watch her have an emotional breakdown for them. I would find Mugsy Bogues and have him be my mascot, and I would always emphasize his size.

    If I had to come up with a batch of original shows, I would take two professional athletes of any sport, make them go through each other's weekly training routine, and put them on the field of a legitimate game or match. I would call the show "Jock Swap". I would definitely make Venus Williams and Warren Sapp trade places so that I could put the man in a black skintight catsuit. I would develop an awards show for SportsCenter just to see the anchors' campaigns. I would hire Craig Kilborn. I would not hire Conan O'Brien. Each Sunday I would air a show called "The Divinity Hour", and I would use athletes-turned-preachers. I would probably include a choir, just because I can.

    If I had to come up with a batch of original shows, I'd show "Blackjack with Jack McDowell". I would show classic rebroadcasts of Royal Rumbles. I would pay Derek Jeter to let a camera crew follow him around for three months and broadcast every minute. I would not show dog shows because dogs are not athletes. I would only play commercials in between broadcasts because it's one thing the British got right.

    If I had to come up with a batch of original shows, I would make them smart, I would make them successful, and I would make them memorable. That would rock.


    FINALIST NO. 15
    Name: Jason Wainscott
    College: University of Cincinnati, 2000
    Residence: Cincinnati, Ohio
    Current Job: Attorney
    Age: 25

    Call me Underdog. Wow. The final 25 and all I can think about is how can I work this into my resume?

    Unfortunately, I'm not claiming to be a hot chick or a Boston fan, so I reckon my chances of survival are pretty slim. Seriously, I don't know how I'm going to compete with a versatile (cunning) linguist with a pair of 36Cs, or the guy who had to clean poop off a Puerto Rican lunatic; but hey, just a man and his will to survive, right?

    These are the shows I'd like to see on ESPN 6:

    "Kin: The Series" -- I know it's cool to love "Roadhouse," but I think the Swayze staple "Next of Kin" could possibly make the better show. Hell, there's a good chance you could get the original lineup; Swayze, Liam Neeson, Helen Hunt, Ben Stiller and Bill Paxton. That's a veritable murderer's row anchored by two Oscar winners and most of them should be available. I know, I know, Briar and Lawrence die in the movie; but I think we can find a way to bring them back ... Neeson needs the work and anything that gets Stiller to stop making a movie every month has to be good.

    "Skank!" -- Every week a random NBA player is brought face to face with three groupies he "met" during the previous season. If he can remember her name, town of origin and whether or not he paid for her last abortion, he gets one season of immunity from all paternity suits along with a six year $70 million dollar contract with the team of his choice that does not count against their cap.

    I think there's room on ESPN 6 for some family entertainment such as a weekly children's show based on the movie "Racing Stripes" called "Skid Marks."

    I think there should definitely be a show where Pete Rose handicaps baseball games ... including his "locks of the week" as soon as Bud lets him start managing again.

    "15 more minutes" -- A new reality game show made up of former reality show cast members all competing to be on another reality show. All losers are forced to choose between pulling double shifts at Applebee's, or working the third shift at the Ford plant in Livonia, Ohio.

    Speaking of reality show cast members, I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm glad it appears that Sarah from The Real World: Philadelphia has gotten her eating disorder licked.

    I think that guy who works in the psyche ward for that hospital in Brighton deserves his own show.

    Also, under my watch it will be mandatory that every show on ESPN 6 incorporate a midget, because midgets are funny.


    FINALIST NO. 16
    Name: Justin Williams
    College: Bryant University 2005
    Residence: Smithfield, RI
    Current Job: Student
    Age: 21

    Setting: ESPN Board Meeting pitching ESPN6 programming

    Other Intern Finalist: ... . and those are the shows I'd like to produce for ESPN6.

    ESPN Executive: Simmons already suggested those shows. You know what? You're fired ... ... Williams, what you got?

    Me: Along with bringing back "American Gladiators" and introducing (MESBC) "Most Extreme Spelling Bee Challenge," we have to bring back "Man vs. Beast." I'm thinking we'll have Manute Bol box a chimp.

    EE: The chimp'll take some convincing, but Manute's down for anything. What else?

    Me: Everyday at 4:30, we'll air the All-Valley Karate Tournament hosted by Ralph Macchio, with matside reporting from John Kreese and Terry Silver. Each day we'll televise a local high school/regional karate tournament that follows the path of the next teen karate champion. For drama, picture "The OC," but as "The DC." Details are sketchy, but picture Gilbert Arenas telling a veteran swingman from Western Maryland, "Welcome to the DC!"

    EE: Money! Dramas are in nowadays; any game show ideas?

    Me: One word: PCC- Parental Custody Challenge, modeled after the plot of "Over the Top" where parents arm wrestle for parental custody. And there's the CASB- Convicted Athlete SuperBOWL, where athletic inmates like Jamal Lewis bowl to reduce their sentence. One day reduction per pin; winner returns the following show.

    EE: Any reality show ideas?

    Me: We have a show in development with OJ, where he looks for the real killers. In a season ending cliffhanger, he'll reveal that the real killer is actually standing in the room, but we'll have to wait until the second season to see who it is.

    EE: Great, but nothing is gonna replace the NHL programming we had lined up.

    Me: I have the answer: The XHL. Simmons already suggested it, but I flushed it out more. With Vince McMahon prominently involved, the league can't help but be successful. To promote hockey to new fans, we'll utilize new franchise cities, including but not limited to:

    -- Calgary, Alberta, Canada

    -- Venice Beach, California

    -- Deepest Darkest Uganda

    -- Cobb County, Georgia

    -- and the wild card: "Parts Unknown."

    There'll be no faceoff, just the centers dropping the gloves and preparing to fight. Speaking of fights, they'll only end in pinfall, submission, and disqualification.

    EE: There could be pyrotechnics going off at every whistle, score and fight.

    Me: Yes; and a possible wrinkle will come as the goalie watches the puck slide into the goal. He'll pull off his mask revealing that he's "turned heel" and will then slam a strategically placed foreign object into the coach. All this while a mortified J.R. screams, "Nooooooooooooo."

    EE: I love it! Williams, with your creativity and intestinal fortitude, you'll go far with ESPN "the seis."


    THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE WINNERS: 1-5 | 6-10 | 11-16

    THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 2, THE ELIMINATED: 1-9




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