By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE WINNERS: 1-3 | 4-7

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE ELIMINATED: 1-4


FINALIST NO. 4
Name: Rich Levine
College: Colgate University 2002
Residence: Boston, MA
Current Job: Editorial Assistant
Age: 25

Bud Selig stirred up quite a scandal today. Apparently envious of all the press the NFL's received over its controversial decision to start selling jerseys with the name Gay on the back, Bud's launched a new line of MLB merchandise. Check out this latest headline:

"MLB to release new brand of apparel honoring former major league outfielder and current Pirates first base coach, Rusty Kuntz."

Fans can purchase everything from his '81 White Sox throwback jersey to a replica of the ring he won with the Tigers in '84.

According to reports, superintendents have already banned the Kuntz Collection from schools nation-wide, and clergymen everywhere are up in arms. More news is sure to follow. Until then, let's recap my first annual PCAs, an awards show celebrating everything pop culture.

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
Nominees:

Bad Doctor -- Ferrell, as always, carries the sketch, but the key is Tim Meadows. If this SNL cast was the 1989-90 Pistons, Meadows was the Microwave. His presence provided instant offense to many a skit and his performance as Dr. Steven Poop was no exception. Bonus points for one of the rare times you'll ever see Ferrell break character.

Gary MacDonald, Norm's younger brother -- Gary MacDonald is to David Koechner what Pedro Martinez is to Enrique Wilson. Without the former, the latter is relatively useless. But bring the two together and you've got the makings of a Hall of Fame career.

Synchronized Swimming -- Long before you could ever say, "Isn't it weird that he's the six-fingered man from Princess Bride," Christopher Guest was here laying the groundwork for his monopoly on the mockumentary genre.

Winner: Bad Doctor

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
Nominees:

Dumb and Dumber (Snowball in the Face) -- Is there a snapshot of Artest's face before he took on the Palace at Auburn Hills? If so, put it up against Harry's right before he lights up Mary with an ice ball and Page 2's "Here's Looking at You" has a new winner.

Meet Joe Black (Brad Pitt Gets Hit by Car) -- Take an unsuspecting Brad Pitt. Hit him with the combined force of Kermit Washington's fist, Izzy Alcantara's cleat and Marty McSorley's stick. Throw in two speeding cars for good measure. Now that's comedy.

The Big Lebowski (Scattering Donny's Ashes) -- Donny was never more out of his element than when he was scattered all over The Dude's face.

Winner: Meet Joe Black

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
Nominees:

Super Sweet 16 (Ava Gets a Car) -- Ava throws a mega-tantrum after her parents won't get her a birthday Range Rover, but Daddy gives in and buys the car under one condition: "You have to promise to be more respectful to your mother and I." Ava grits her teeth, puts on her best Carlos Boozer face, and tentatively agrees to the deal.

Survivor: The Amazing Outback (Mike Falls into the Fire) -- After passing out next to the fire, a shocked Mike wakes up elbows deep in burning hot coals. When reached for comment, he painfully said, "Now I know how Tom Hicks felt after realizing he had just signed Chan Ho Park for 5 years, $65 million."

Real World: Seattle (Stephen Slaps Irene) -- The most violent explosion Seattle's seen since the Kingdome's demolition.

Winner: Real World


FINALIST NO. 5
Name: Theresa MacDonald
College: American University, 2004
Residence: Washington, DC
Current Job: Unemployed
Age: 22

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
The Britney Spears vs. Justin Timberlake dance-off. Because I have found that I have never had a conflict in my life that couldn't be settled with a dance-off.

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
Dude, I'm getting really sick of these superlative questions. Bill Simmons, you of all people should know hard it is to pick just one favorite or funniest anything; you have a Top 10 Intern Finalist list with 11 finalists on it! At any rate, I'll share with you #1 on my "Inappropriately Funny" movie moment list.

It involves Brad Pitt and not one, but TWO vehicles. That's right, as much as I loathe the 3-hour snooze-fest "Meet Joe Black," there's something so unexpected about the first car hitting Brad, and then the SECOND car from the other side, and the way he flops on the windshield, and the fact that it is Brad Pitt -- it leaves me in hysterics every time. I've never made it through the whole movie, but since that scene comes in the first 15 minutes, I've watched the beginning hundreds of times ... man, I'm giggling right now.

I know what you're thinking: I'm a sick human being and should never have children.

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
Before there was Kelly or Ruben or Clay, or even William Hung, there was ... "New Orleans Real World" David. Now, I've watched a LOT of reality TV in my day (I can't even find words to express the magnitude of this addiction, but I'm ashamed to say I'm watching "Celebrity Fat Club" while I'm writing this). Anyway, there is nothing funnier than someone who takes himself WAY too seriously, and nobody took himself more seriously than David, pounding away on his synthesizer crooning his original ditty: "Come and be my baby tonight. Come and be my baby tonight. I've seen the way you treated otha' thugs you been with. COME and be my baby tonight." Solid gold, baby.

The man couldn't get along with a single person in his house, but cried when music moved him. He had giant muscles and a lot of racial issues. It was like he was bred on some sort of reality television farm (the same farm that later brought us Trishelle, no doubt). But that song ... OH, that song. They need to release that scene with him singing it on DVD; I would buy each of my friends and family members six copies.

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
I think it would be interesting if it was exposed that Derek Jeter and N*Sync's Lance Bass were actually the same person. I mean, think about it: They both have the same vacant stare, and you NEVER see them in the same place at the same time. Think of the clubhouse cred Jeter would lose if it turned out he had been moonlighting as third fiddle to Justin Timberlake* for the last several years.

ExtraSuperBonus: As soon as RadioShack gets the money together to send Lance to the moon like it was supposed to a couple years ago, well, two birds, one stone.

*Sincerest apologies for mentioning Justin Timberlake a second time.


FINALIST NO. 6
Name: Renee
College: University of Alberta 2005
Residence: Edmonton
Current Job: Accounting Student
Age: 23

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
First of all, it should be illegal to ask anyone under 25 to pick their favorite SNL skit. It's the equivalent of judging Tommy Lee Jones' acting career based on "Man of the House" (playing at a theatre near you ... yeah!!!!). I mean c'mon, I was waiting to be conceived during the Belushi-Aykroyd years, being born during the Eddie Murphy years, and too wrapped up in teenage angst to understand the sexual significance of the "Pat" years. If I had a spine I would refuse to answer this question, but since I don't ... I'm going with a tie, between the Swayze/Farley Chippendales audition and Angelina Jolie's inbred love child.

The Jolie love child is automatically in because it integrates inbreeding with extra appendages ... the sketch comedy equivalent of 3000 hits. The Swayze/Farley sketch, on the other hand, was a pantheon moment in SNL history, where two careers collided at their apex before the inevitable crash. It serves as a lesson to anyone thinking about doing drugs and/or making bad movies that no amount of talent and sex appeal can overcome chemical dependence and the affinity for scripts like "City of God" and "Fatherhood".

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
Star Wars II -- Vader to Amidala:

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere."

(Touching Amidala's skin)

"Not like here. Here everything's soft ... and smooth ... "

... and they begin to make-out ...

At some point, someone has to:

a) Tell George Lucas that this kind of dialogue is not okay; and

b) Create a show where a guy goes to the beach and just replays that scene with unsuspecting strangers.

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
Okay, this is point in the entry where I admit I watch "The Bachelor." And no, I refuse to be ashamed of it, if for no other reason then the fact the show created a premise that allowed Trish Schneider to stalk and eventually proposition Jesse Palmer (a fellow Canadian) for a one night stand ... while he was on a date with another woman. Few people realize it, but this was a seminal moment in reality TV relationship history. We finally had evidence that there was indeed a "craziness threshold" for the man in picking conquests, and furthermore, that this was a threshold that hotness couldn't overcome. Frankly speaking, I would put Jesse's name right up there with Jason Priestly and Celine Dion for his contributions to the lexicon of American Pop Culture by Canadians.

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
Honestly, I hate to go to there but ... well I just can't help it. OK. OK ... before I actually go there, I'm going to preface it by explaining that for the sake of the children, and the safety of all parties involved, I would want the whole thing to be a big mistake in the end and for everyone to share a nice laugh over cake and ice cream with Barbara Walters. With that being said ... I have these words for you.

Doug and Jackie Christie ... Paternity Suit Shocker ... "Relationship Rescue Special" ... On Tomorrow's Oprah ...

(And oh, almost forgot ... )

&with special guest Dr. Phil.


FINALIST NO. 7
Name: Justin Williams
College: Bryant University 2005
Residence: Smithfield, RI
Current Job: Student
Age: 21

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
"The guy who plays Mr. Belvedere fan club." Why? For the exercises the fan club members complete to keep "the line from fantasy and reality from blurring."

I should want to cook [Mr. Belvedere] a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
The scene from"Unbreakable" where Mr. Glass falls down the steps is hilarious from beginning to end because of each bone crunching sound effect.

Honorable Mention: As I'm writing this, Space Jam is on TV. Once you get past the fact that Jordan is playing for the fate of cartoons and declines to tell his family that he'll be gone for awhile, the fact that the aliens decide to steal the powers of Shawn Bradley, Mugsy Bogues and an aging Patrick Ewing is either hilarious, or strangely believable if the alien GM were Isiah Thomas.

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
Like historians say, since X-Pac just appeared on Sunday's "The Surreal Life" to surprise Chyna and started fights with members from the house including a champagne bottle clutching Da Brat, I'll need time to put it into perspective. So although it is promising, I cannot include it as one of my favorite reality-TV moments, easily making my favorite reality-TV moment the last round of "Joe Millionaire."

In this episode, he goes into the woods and is supposedly, um, take care of by one of the women. It's funny enough on its own because the producers put subtitles at the bottom of the screen like "smack," "slurp," and "Think it'll go better laying down?" But it instantly made the leap to the pantheon of my favorite moments when he didn't pick her, and then she got fired from her real life job because of her TV exploits.

Honorable Mention: The dude from The Real World: New Orleans singing, "Won't you be my baby tonight."

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
The performance enhancing drug fallout capturing another athlete, this time in the competitive eating circuit as 113-Pound perennial eating champion Takeru Kobayashi is outed by BALCO Chief Victor Conte.

Questions were building as Asia continued its 10-year long ownership of the Mustard Yellow Belt Trophy, and many were calling on the IFOCE to investigate. Kobayashi's world record 50½ wieners devoured is forced to have an asterisk when it's discovered Kobayashi received injections of stomach muscle relaxers in a bathroom stall with Eric "Badlands" Booker. Kobayashi claims he thought the shots were simply flu vaccines.

Honorable Mention: Karl Malone getting chased OJ style down the freeway by an enraged Kobe Bryant after he makes a pass at his wife, but instead of Al Cowlings driving the Bronco, it's John Stockton; and actually instead of a white bronco, it's a white Tractor-Trailer. Added humor for Malone trying to escape to Mexico where he can hunt more Mexican girls.


THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE WINNERS: 1-3 | 4-7

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE ELIMINATED: 1-4




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