THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE WINNERS: 1-3 | 4-7

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE ELIMINATED: 1-4

FINALIST NO. 1
Name: Matt Luckham
College: Northwestern University, 2004
Residence: Poway, CA
Current Job: Data Entry Clerk with aspirations of becoming a valet ... but laid off as of Monday, 1/31/05
Age: 22

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
James Taylor (Kevin Nealon): [to "Fire and Rain"] --

"I've seen Magic, and I've seen Bird.
I saw Kareem retire, but I never said a word.
But I always thought I'd see you play one more time again."

I've always said I will retire by age 30, giving me plenty of time to improve my golf game enough to make the Senior PGA Tour by my 60th birthday. I turn 23 next month and although I'm a little behind schedule, retirement has always been in my near sights. But one retirement hit me like a ton of Darko's bricks. When Michael Jordan hung them up (the first time), I, like the jury in the O.J. trial, just didn't get it. When on October 9th, 1993, SNL gave us "Rock for Michael," I felt just a little bit better. The sketch stars Nealon, Hartman (Frank Gifford), Farley (Meatloaf), Sandler (Eddie Vedder), Meadows (Snoop Dogg), Myers and McDonald (The Proclaimers) in a "We Are the World"-esque benefit concert to convince MJ to play. The only thing that could improve this lineup would be Will Ferrell's "more cowbell" character, the equivalent of putting LeBron on the original Dream Team. Add a drugged-out Steven Tyler making no effort to pretend he's not reading a teleprompter and BAM!!! You've got a winner. Some credit Jordan's comeback to his addiction to competition, but I say that this skit was the D-Day that turned the tides.

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
Squints' maneuver to smooch Wendy Peffercorn.

-- Hamilton Porter: "Did you plan that?"
-- Squints: "Of course I did&been planning it for years."

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
Justin Timberlake's "Mom-I-Cannot-Believe-This-Is-Happening-To-Me" face on "Punk'd" reminds me of Eli Manning's "I-Cannot-Believe-I-Just-Got-Taken-By-San-Diego" face on draft day. Cry me a river.

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
I'd love come across this article someday to confirm the suspicions of my conspiracy theory web blog:

Iraqi War a "Wag the Dog" Stunt, Bush Exposed
Washington, DC (AP) - In a surprising turn of events, it was revealed that the invasion of Iraq was based on false pretenses. Confidential sources say there were never ties to Al-Qaeda, nor goals for a free Iraq. The only WMD that did exist was the "Washington-Montreal Diversion" the codename for the operation aimed to disguise President Bush's real objective: moving the Expos to the nation's capitol to improve his own approval rating.

Unaware that the Constitution prohibits candidates from running for a third term, Bush planned to boost his popularity by bringing baseball back to Washington. While distracting the nation with war, Bush undermined baseball in Montreal. Evidence links him to MLB's decision to have the Expos play 22 "home" games in Puerto Rico in 2003. A search of the White House uncovered Bush's stash of "Most Wanted"cards, with Expos' icons taking the place of Iraqi leaders. Vladimir Guerrero, the King of Spades, was found with a red "X" over his face, a non-threat after becoming an Angel. Youppi, the lovable mascot that adorns the Ace of Spades, was found tacked to a dartboard in the Oval Office with the words "DIE MUPPET!" written below.

It was also confirmed that Youppi has survived 9 assassination attempts during Bush's presidency, one involving Reggie Jackson unearthing a gun under 2nd base during an on-field ceremony in 2001. The President also planned to acquire utility man Homer Bush from the Yankees in return

FINALIST NO. 2
Name: Lauren Silva
College: The George Washington University, 2003
Residence: Washington, DC
Current Job: Sports and Entertainment editorial aide at the Washington Post
Age: 23

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
Jim Breuer as Goat Boy. The skit wasn't that funny, but the character stuck in my head. So this was a typical scene at my house after sophomore year in high school.

Me: Mom, can you pass the meehheee-eeehhheeh salad?
Mom: One more goat bleat and I'm sending you to boarding school.
Me (Nibbling on newspaper): meeeehh-eeehheeh-sorry.

I wish I could say drugs played a role here. But I'd be lying.

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
1969. A lanky 13-year old wanders away from his aunt's party and joins a pick-up basketball game. He takes his first shot. It goes in. He takes a second. That does too. He plays all night. He falls in love with the game. There, in that driveway in Hobart, Ind., Larry Bird fell in love with basketball. The scene, recounted in his autobiography Drive, gives me goose bumps. It's one of those rare occasions when you can pinpoint a life-changing moment.

Like in 1994. When I, an impressionable 13-year old, saw Ace Ventura for the first time. I heard someone use the phrase "rat's ass," and I chuckled. I saw Jim Carrey talk out of his ass-literally, and I laughed out loud. Then I saw Ace (aka Heinz Getwellvet) jump out of a dolphin tank at Joe Robbie Stadium, and I lost it.

"Why do you care about de dolphin?" he asks a mob of reporters. "Do you knooooow him? Does he call you at hoooome? DO YOU HAVE A DORSAL FIN?"

"To train de dolphin you must tink like de dolphin! You must be getting uunsiide de dolphin's head und communicating. I am saying to Snowflake, 'Aga Aga, Aga Aga?' und he is saying 'Aga Aga ... '"

I haven't seen the movie in six years but I can still recite that scene (and the first hour of the movie for that matter) word for word. Not only a sure-fire pick up line, but a reminder of the moment when my eyes were opened to a world filled with the Brothers' Wilson, Nudie Magazine Days and Evil Petting Zoos. There, in a TV room in Massachusetts, I fell in love with stupid movies.

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
I stopped watching season 15 of the Real World after the premiere because NOTHING could top the following exchange, filmed on the balcony of a gay bar.

-- Landon (stops admiring his own jaw line and turns to Karamo): Do you uuhh, go to, uuhh, gay clubs, a lot?

-- Karamo (loving the irony): Yea ... all the time.

-- MJ: (Gold curls bounce as he whips his head in shock. He sputters) Are you ... a ... homosexual?

-- Karamo (relishing his final seconds in the closet): Yea. I'm gay.

Aaaaaand credits.

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
A disgruntled TV production assistant snaps, exacting revenge by switching the feeds on the "Sounds of the Game" segment and splicing in un-edited clips. Instead of hearing Ricky Davis bitch to Bennett Salvatore for the millionth time, a national television audience finds out the NBA's greatest mysteries: Allen Iverson TiVos Dr. Phil? Yao Ming speaks perfect English? There's a method to Isiah's madness? Who knew?

FINALIST NO. 3
Name: Gabe Spitzer
College: Wesleyan University 2005
Residence: Middletown, CT
Current Job: Worthless 2nd semester senior
Age: 22

There's nothing worse than being 22 and finding yourself longing for the good old days. It's hard to shake the feeling that things just aren't as good as they used to be. Despite occasional moments of modern brilliance, there's always something older that does it better.

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
Recent SNL fare has been pretty tepid, but the commercial parodies have always been spot-on. Some fairly fresh gems include "Cookie Dough Sport" and "Oops, I Crapped My Pants," proving that when all else fails, use a poop joke. The true top-notch chucklers, though, are all early 90's, highlighted by the kicker, "Nerf Crotchbat." Call me a sadist, but I've always enjoyed watching a swift blow to the hey-nanny-nannies. What's better than Chris Farley and a pre-"Down Periscope" Rob Schneider clad in fluorescent children's clothes slapping each other where the sun don't shine?

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
Forget that Curtis Armstrong's stint as Booger served as a precursor for his role as Charles de Mar in "Better Off Dead". The crowning moment of "Revenge of the Nerds" was the musical ditty performed at the talent competition. The genius is that they were somehow able to predict how kitschy the 80's would seem twenty years later. Lamar Latrell and the child prodigy doing the robot in thriller jackets? Poindexter shaking his hips while playing the electric violin? The scene is a nonstop visual and aural feast. The song paved the way for ironic reconsideration of terrible new-wave favorites. Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
There was a time before "reality television" entered the public lexicon, when the only unscripted show on TV was about seven beautiful people making their generation look terrible. While other seasons produced much hilarity, The Real World's high-water mark occurred in Miami. While the general arc of an MBA student not being able to pull together a business was funny in a sad sort of way, nothing had a higher humor-per-hour ratio than the infamous threesome. Blame the full moon, but you could cut the sexual tension with a spork. Mike and his waitress friend were surprisingly joined in the shower by sanctimonious Melissa. But the true hilarity came outside, when Flora, trying to observe the spectacle, simultaneously shatters the moment and window with her breasts.

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
Three for All: The Iron Men behind the "Iron Man"

Havre de Grace, MD (AP): Another of baseball's most impressive records was called into question today, as the well-kept secret of the other two Ripken Triplets, Hal and Sal, came to light. The lesser Ripkens sheepishly emerged from their underground lair to face the media.

"Is our dishonesty that much worse than Billy's career?" questioned Hal.

Until recently, the only ones who knew about the triplets were Peter Gammons and Brady Anderson, who introduced Hal to HGH. Details have begun to emerge about who played when. There was the 1992 season, when Sal hovered around the Mendoza line for 59 games as Cal nursed a swollen Vas Deferens. And, more shockingly, the 2001 All-Star Game when Hal homered to put an exclamation point on Cal's career.

"There was no way Cal could play with that painful bout of hemorrhoids," Sal said.

Three brothers, 2,632 straight games, forever known as the "Iron Trifecta."

FINALIST NO. 4
Name: Jason Wainscott
College: University of Cincinnati, 2000
Residence: Cincinnati, Ohio
Current Job: Attorney
Age: 25

It was a tough assignment fitting these responses to the Sports Guy's Wonderlic Test into 550 words, but if Simmons can edit down his essay about Antoine Walker to 2,991 words ... then I know I'm working with a pro.

1. What's you favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
Alec Baldwin, and Adam Sandler in Canteen Boy. The sketch is part hilarious and part frightening. Whoever wrote this skit about a Boy Scout leader preparing to molest a canteen carrying seemingly slow-witted scout was severely disturbed ... only slightly more disturbed than the people who found it hilarious.

"Ooops, my shirt fell off."

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
For a story to be great there has to be a common thread that weaves through it. Something to which everyone can relate. An archetypal, yet celebrated theme is that which recounts a man pushed to his breaking point and forced into action.

Fate usually enacts a series of events that puts into motion our hero's both physical and spiritual journey. In Lloyd Christmas' case it was something as simple as the leaving behind of a Samsonite® brief case full of money, or what he would later call "a love memento."

My favorite scene comes when Lloyd is pushed by a series of innocuous events while walking down the street after having just spent the last of his money on necessities. All is well, until Lloyd loses everything to satisfy his curiosity about what lies within the pages of Rhode Island Sl*t. Having lost his booze, he then finds that his best pal Harry, also has some disheartening news about their pet, Petey. Finally succumbing to the weight of the day's events. Lloyd cracks and issues what is potentially the greatest soliloquy of despair since King Lear.

"I've had with this dump ... We got no food! We got no jobs!!Our pets heads are falling off!!!"

It is then that both Lloyd and Harry set off on an epic adventure the likes of Homer's Odyssey as Lloyd convinces Harry to join him on his life's journey to Aspen ... a place where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano ... Where the beer flows like wine.

3. What's your favorite reality TV moment ever and why?
You have to hand it to The Real World ... just when you think there's nothing they can do to surprise you, Mel brings scabies into the house. Until I saw this episode, I thought only people stuck in the haul of a ship on a transatlantic voyage circa 1708 got scabies ... but I could've been thinking of scurvy. Sarah opined that maybe Mel getting scabies was a blessing because it could force everyone in the house to face the fact that they live in filth. If I ever live in a situation where a sentence like that is uttered it better be because I joined the Peace Corp.

Classic moment: MJ in the confessional discussing Mel's scabies while wearing a "Got Crabs" t-shirt.

My only beef with this episode is Jon Bon Jovi attending the cast's presentation and nobody blurting out, "I'm wanted ... WANTED!!! ... dead or alive"?

4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
Suzy Kolber pregnant with Joe Namath's twins followed by a wedding announcement; because that story should never ever die.

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE WINNERS: 1-3 | 4-7

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 4, THE ELIMINATED: 1-4