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THURSDAY DIARY: ARCHIVE I – 12:00-5:22 p.m.
THURSDAY DIARY: ARCHIVE II – 7:00-11:53 p.m.

12:00 p.m. EST – We're back for Day 2 -- same crew (me, House, Chip), same studio team (Gumbel, Kellogg, Davis), same channel (CBS), different venues (Worcester, Oklahoma City, Nashville, Charlotte) -- although we should mention that Greg Gumbel is wearing a beige suit today. Apparently the CBS higher-ups had a talk with him after yesterday's movie usher suit debacle.

Today's big wagers: the adjusted Kansas-Bucknell line (Kansas at -8.5, -250 odds); the New Mexico, Wisconsin and Charlotte money lines; the Louisville/UL-L over; a Wisconsin-money-and-the-under parlay; the overs for Hakim Warrick's points/rebounds and Francisco Garcia's points/assists; and the utterly-completely-and-improbably rejuvenated Celtics +6 in Houston. Upon further review, I didn't get killed yesterday like I thought -- not when Dijon Thompson's over for points/rebounds came through.

(By the way, is it a bad thing when you look at what happened to Charlie Sheen's marriage, then think to yourself, "Well ... I mean, I'm not THAT bad"?)

12:05 – Some leftover Andrew Bogut e-mails from the readers yesterday:

Scott Baxter asks, "On what date will Stephen A. Smith call Andrew Bogut 'Andrew Bogus'?"

Matt Stine points out, "He runs like Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds, and he gets pushed around like Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds."

Don Mattews wonders, "Did god say to John Holmes, 'In your next life, I will make you proportional, and voila, Andrew Bogut was born?"

Toronto reader Andrew Fletcher says, "As soon as ESPN started talking about how Andrew Bogut could possibly be the Player of the Year, right then, it was solidified that the Raptors would take him ... assuming of course that there isn't another 6'8"+ white guy with less talent available."

And Edsel theorizes, "I watched part of the Utah-UTEP game today and I realized that Andrew Bogut reminds me of what Nikoloz Tskitishvili would have looked like if he had played in college in the Mountain West Conference. Skinny 7-footer with floppy hair who can shoot threes and handle a little bit but gets by down low because of his size and marginal athleticism. Tskita dominated in summer league, scoring 25+ points a game with a few 3s thrown in. This is how I see Bogut."

(Needless to say, the readers weren't too high on Andrew Bogut's pro potential.)

12:08 – This seems like the right time to mention that House hasn't showered since Wed. morning.

12:10 – Clark Kellogg takes New Mexico as his upset pick; Seth Davis goes with Old Dominion. Neither of them fully commit though. I hate when that happens.

12:14 – Three great things about the Charlotte/NC State game: It's taking place in Worcester (where I spent four years in college); there's a "Holy Cross" logo on the court; and the great Gus Johnson is announcing. "He takes it to the basket AND HE LAYS IT IN!!!!!!!!!!" I wish Gus Johnson could have been the announcer on my wedding night.

12:21 – "I wish we had bet more on Charlotte," House ruefully says, summing up everyone's feelings. They're up 13-4.

12:23 – Clearing up something from yesterday: Apparently there IS a Playboy HD channel, but you can't get it on Direc-TV (you can only get it on a satellite service called Zoom, whatever that is).

12:25 – Charlotte 18, NC State 4, with Charlotte shooting 120-percent from the field. That's never happened before. And yes, it's nice to be on the other side of these things for once. I'm predicting a big day for myself. Sometimes you can just feel it.

12:29 – We missed the opening of the Ohio-Florida game. Know what that means? We missed Bill Raftery screaming, "And Ohio starts out ... in the mantaman!" House is especially devastated, although as he points out, "We get all the heavyweight announcers today." By the way, Raftery just mentioned that the Ohio coach learned his craft as a longtime assistant of BC coach Al Skinner. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

12:33 – Possible adjectives to discuss NC State's offense right now: Sluggish ... confused ... disjointed ... choppy ... moribund. "At least their defense looks good," Chip says sarcastically. They're down by 14.

12:35 – Just found out that, in my NCAA Player Pool, my buddy Sal picked Iowa's Pierre Pierce as one of his 13 guys. The unequivocal highlight of the week so far.

12:38 – Best name of the tournament so far in the sense that it makes the guy just SOUND like he should be good: Charlotte's Curtis Withers. That's at least a five-year NBA career on the name alone.

12:41 – If "Everybody Loves Raymond" can be called "America's most-watched comedy," I'm calling this column "America's most-read NCAA running diary." And nobody can stop me.

12:43 – Zoom, zoom, zoom (yeah, I got the zoom ... )

12:44 – All right, I'll ask: Is HBO trying to break its own record for "Most showings of the same movie" with "Johnson Family Vacation" this month? I thought "Eddie and the Cruisers" in July, 1985 would stand forever ... now I'm wondering ...

12:46 – After Gus Johnson rattles off Julius Hodge's career records at NC State, House beats me to the, "Well, you're gonna have those stats when you're in college for eight years" joke. Didn't Hodge room with Lorenzo Charles and Sydney Lowe as a freshman?

12:51 – After a nice behind-the-back pass on a fast break, we just officially gave Florida's Matt Walsh "Poor man's Luke Walton" status. "A little dispy-doo!" Raftery adds on the replay.

12:52 – "Things I've learned so far this week," by House: 1) The SEC sucks; 2) Herb Sendek and Mark Gottfried can't coach; 3) Juan Mendez will be a better pro than Andrew Bogut; and 4) Don't let your friends bet with you on your internet gambling account, because it depletes your funds if you have too many bets out at once.

12:54 – Some sad news: Bryan Brown (of "Cocktail" and "FX" fame) is playing the Roy Scheider role in "Spring Break Shark Attack." That one hurts. Then again, as he said in "Cocktail," everything ends badly, or else it wouldn't end.

(And yes, he said it first: Flanagan's character repeated it later outside the art gallery. And while we're here, the closing credits spelled his name "Koglan," not "Coughlin." So stop e-mailing me about this stuff.)

12:58 – Five threes from Charlotte's Brendan Plavit already -- not only are they up by nine, but Gus Johnson's voice could be shot by 3:00. He's had 10 bloodcurdling screams already.

1:01 – A Playboy Channel stop leads to a random porn question: Why do the actors and actresses always refer to their, um, body parts using the third person? For instance, if my neck was sore and I wanted the Sports Gal to rub it for a few seconds, and she agreed, I wouldn't scream at her, "Oh, yeah, rub that back!" It's my back, so I would use "my." And yet, in porn movies, it's like they're disassociated from their own body parts.

"Maybe the disassociation is intentional," House wonders.

1:07 – Quick update: Charlotte up by 9 at the half; Florida up by 4; Oklahoma State up by 10; Iowa State up by 7. See you in 75 minutes.

1:10 – Welcome back to America's most-read NCAA running diary!

One more follow-up to yesterday: Some readers wondered why I wasn't drinking more, because it was St. Paddie's Day and all. Just so you know, the same laws apply to writing running diaries on a national Web site as the ones in place for driving boats and flying airplanes -- it's never a good idea to drink in excess when you're doing it.

1:12 – Chip just googled the whole porn/noun thing (from 1:01), here's what he found: Porn actresses use "demonstrative determiners" (such as "this" and "that") instead of "possessive determiners" (such as "mine" and "yours").

"In essence," Chip explains, "They're denying ownership of their own body parts."

"And there's a reason for that," House adds. "Deep down, they're ashamed to be in porn."

(I'm glad we settled this.)

1:13 – Bill Raftery on a replay of a David Lee dunk: "The big guy sends it in ... WITH AUTHORITY!"

(Did he come up with that one first, or was it Larry Beil? Can we have Lester Munson and Don Yaeger investigate this?)

1:16 – At halftime of the Florida-Ohio game (Gators up by 8), we switch to Iowa State-Minnesota (Cyclones up by 8) ... that's right, it's our first dose of Billy Packer and Jim Nantz. "Now we know what channel to avoid for the rest of the day," House jokes.

1:17 – "I wasn't joking," House says. "Don't put it in that I was joking. I'm dead serious right now."

(Um, sorry about that.)

1:20 – Our HD channels are 740 and 741. Sometimes I think I'm on 740 and click up to 741, only I'm already on 741, so I that knocks me up to 742 ... which is the "NHL Center Ice" channel. Needless to say, there's a "TO BE ANNOUNCED" tag up there. Couldn't they have come up with a better tag, like "WE'RE (BLEEPING) SCREWED" or "SEE YOU IN 2008"?

1:25 – Mmmmm ... cold pizza ...

(Not the show -- actual cold pizza.)

1:32 – Just saw our first Masters commercial. That's like the official sign that spring is coming -- much more reliable than a groundhog.

1:34 – While discussing Julius Hodge's draft stock, we all decide he needs to purchase a new passport within the next few weeks.

1:36 – One slice of cold pizza left, with House and Chip both eyeing it.

1:37 – The possession arrow goes to Chip.

1:38 – Former Miami center Tito Horford is here watching his son play on Florida -- for some reason, Verne Lundquist tells us that it's the first time Tito has seen his son play. How is that possible? Was his schedule that full over the past 10 years? It's Tito Horford!

1:43 – Updates: Florida, Oklahoma State and Iowa State all cruising, Charlotte winning by 5. Basically, it's the same crappy day as yesterday, only with better announcers and me and House actually winning some bets. That reminds me, If they made a rule that Marv Albert and Bill Raftery announced every major basketball game, college or pro, for the next 12 months, would anyone be against this?

1:45 – My buddy Gus weighs in with two thoughts via e-mail:

"Really, are there no other traditions like The Masters? How about holidays? Aren't those traditions? How about singing the national anthem prior to sporting events? What about bachelor parties? Or even Doc Gooden hitting his current wife/girlfriend in the face? Also, I think I'd like Gus Johnson to deliver my eulogy. 'Wow, that Gus Ramsey!! What a guy! Did we all enjoy knowing him, or what?! Oh man, now here was a guy who loved his kids! Wow!'"

1:47 – NC State cuts it to one. Ever since we made the passport joke about Julius Hodge, he's been a man possessed.

1:50 – Here's my TV question of the afternoon: Why does CBS promote shows like "Still Standing" and "Listen Up" for a basketball audience of guys in the 18-to-35 demo at 10 a.m. who would never, ever, EVER watch those shows? And why do they run so many promos for "Survivor" and "Amazing Race," shows that are impossible to start watching if you miss the first few episodes? Seriously, who would say five episodes in, "You know what, I'll give this 'Amazing Race' a shot"? It's like coming in the middle of a blackjack hand -- you just don't do it. So what's the answer?

1:56 – This seems like a good time to mention that Charlotte's Brendan Pavlich looks like Mark Hamill, but the "Return of the Jedi" Mark Hamill, not the one from "Star Wars."

2:03 – NC State 59, Charlotte 59. Four minutes to go. Good game. Even Len Elmore seems relatively excited. And that's saying something.

2:04 – After an assist from Hodge puts NC State up by two, Gus Johnson gushes, "What a great basketball player ... Julius Hodge ... such a BRAIN for the game."

2:08 – NC State jumps up by 7, two minutes to go. Charlotte's collapse in this game (12 turnovers in the second half so far) ranks right up there with the last 35 minutes of "Million Dollar Baby." On the bright side, there's a midget co-hosting a balloon-themed edition of "Naughty Amateur Home Videos" on Playboy right now.

2:11 – As Gus Johnson rattles off Hodge's stats (19 points, 8 assists, 7 rebounds), House adds, "Yeah, but what about his receding hairline?"

2:12 – I can't even describe what just happened on channel 595 ... let's just say there was a Corona bottle and a golf ball involved. "That's the best play I've seen all day!" House yelps. We may need to seize control of the remote from him.

2:14 – Charlotte is so screwed up right now, it's taking them 20 seconds to foul someone. What a nightmare. There goes my three-teamer with them getting 4 1/2.

2:16 – Our first look at Oklahoma St-SE Louisiana, with the Cowboys up by four with less than five minutes to go. Craig Bolerjack and Bob Wenzel announcing. Two of the greats.

2:21 – I'm naming my first son BillsOn Simmons.

2:23 – Have I mentioned that the Vonage.com commercial ("Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo!") causes my new puppy (Rufus) to run in circles and hurtle himself against the TV stand? No lie. This could be my one chance to appear on Letterman's show.

2:28 – Well, it's not happening for SE Louisiana ... but No. 13 Ohio just sliced Florida's lead to three with 2:48 left ... and they just got a steal ... and missed the breakaway dunk! Oh, man! And then they get a rebound ... and someone hits a three ... TIE GAME!!!! They were down by 20 at the 12-minute mark! It's March Madness, baby!! I can't stop using exclamation points!

2:31 – Florida's big man airballs a three with 42 seconds left ... and it goes right to their point guard for a 3-point play (and the lead). Unbelievable. Can we really go through Round One without one major upset, one OT game or one buzzer-beater?

2:36 – Fantastic job by Ohio -- after a timeout, then a turnover where they didn't get a shot off, they just allowed four Florida players to handle the ball before finally fouling an 89-percent free throw shooter. Why even call timeouts? Do they accomplish anything?

2:40 – Ohio's last six possessions: Missed dunk; made three; turnover; turnover; turnover; airball. Cinderella has left the building.

Back at 4:15 with the late afternoon games.

2:45 – Our remote control set-up for the late-afternoon games: Villanova-New Mexico (Option No. 1); So. Illinois/St. Mary's (toggling option during commercials); UConn-Central Florida (only if it's close); UNC-Oakland (complete stayaway); "Quicksilver" (bad movie option on Encore West).

Allow me to defend "Quicksilver," a movie that slipped through the cracks in the mid-80s:

1. The plot: Kevin Bacon quits a lucrative Wall Street job to become a bike messenger, sporting an '80s hairdo and yelling things like "When I'm riding that bike, man, it's the only time I feel free!"

2. Jami Gertz in her absolute prime.

3. Paul Rodriguez in his absolute prime (if he had one), saying lines like "I ain't going back to riding no bike, Jack."

2:57 – After former Midnight Oil singer Charlie Villanueva gets the crowd going with stirring versions of "Blue Sky Mining" and "Beds are Burning," UConn jumps to a 9-point lead.

3:03 – Is it possible to hand someone a can of Fresca without adding, "How 'bout a Fresca, Hmmmmmmm? Hmmmmmm?" I didn't think so, but it just happened -- House came back from the fridge with a can of Fresca for Chip, only he didn't say anything as he handed it off. That may have been the biggest upset of Round One.

3:04 – "I'm just depressed that the games have sucked and we keep losing bets," House explains. Oh.

3:09 – As a graphic for Central Florida coach Kirk Speraw shows his career record is 195-162, Gus Johnson calls him "a SENSATIONAL coach."

3:12 – Is it too early to nominate UConn in the Pantheon of All-Ugly Teams? Do the '86 Celtics, '84 Tigers and '02 Kings have anything on these guys?

3:14 – With UConn cruising by 12, it's time to switch to New Mexico-Villanova and the Coach, Bill Raftery:

"And the Wildcats, Verne Lundquist, go ... (dramatic pause) in the MANTAMAN!"

(Is there any chance he could replace Caruso on "CSI: Miami?" I mean, any?)

3:19 – Villanova jumps to a 5-0 lead. "They have a good feel about themselves," Raftery gushes. By the way, I want to make sure I mention this -- if Danny Granger doesn't become at least a good pro, I'll be amazed.

3:22 – Bad news for UConn: Not only did Marcus Williams just roll his ankle, they don't really have a backup for him. Did somebody just say the words, "Halftime bet?"

3:24 – Nope, he's fine.

3:26 – A leftover e-mail from Gavin in Milwaukee: "Your buddy from Milwaukee goes by 'Chip?' You got ripped off my friend. If you wanted a REAL buddy from Milwaukee you should have gotten one named Stosh or Karl or Stan. Or at least something Irish Catholic sounding. I bet Chip's not even really from Milwaukee. He's probably a candy ass from one of those north shore suburbs."

(Yup, he's from Mequon. And he's definitely a candy ass. And I definitely got ripped off.)

3:28 – The scores of the four games right now: 36-21; 22-9; 25-13; 12-2. Not good times. By the way, that's New Mexico with two points in eight minutes. They're on pace for 10 for the game. And guess who took their money line?

3:33 – The first half of the UConn game has been all Gay: 14 points, 6-for-6 from the field. They're up by 15.

3:35 – This Nova-UNM game has been so choppy, CBS is thinking of inserting the "Possession arrow" in the bottom left corner of the screen.

3:38 – Not only did Villaneuva just sink a three to beat the halftime buzzer, but Gus Johnson just used the word "scintillating" twice in 45 seconds. Our halftime score: UConn 47, Central Florida 31.

3:44 – As we commiserate over this New Mexico debacle -- 26-6 with five minutes remaining -- House suddenly remembers that the UNM's coach chest-bumped one of his players during their Conference Finals. There's another tidbit that should have been in USA Today's team-by-team preview on Monday.

3:51 – It's never good when you gamble on the same team that just provoked CBS to run a "Fewest points in a tournament game (20 -- UNC in 1941)" graphic.

3:53 – A random "Weird Science" showing on Encore West leads to the following exchange:

-- Chip: Did that guy ever appear in another movie?
-- Me: You mean Ilan-Mitchell Smith?
-- Chip (after a pause): You need help.

4:00 – On the topic, "Where did the plot of Weird Science rank among the most improbable movie plots of all time?" -- in other words, two nerds creating Kelly LeBrock from their home computer -- Chip correctly points out that, "We didn't know enough about computers at the time, we thought there was actually a chance."

(Important note: We're openly ignoring the games. See you in 75 minutes for one final report.)

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THURSDAY DIARY: ARCHIVE I – 12:00-5:22 p.m.
THURSDAY DIARY: ARCHIVE II – 7:00-11:53 p.m.

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.