By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 5: 1-2 | 3-5

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 5 (ELIMINATED): 1-2


FINALIST NO. 3
Name: Rich Levine
College: Colgate University 2002
Residence: Boston, MA
Current Job: Editorial Assistant
Age: 25

Excerpts from Rich's Prison Diary:

Day One:
I still can't believe I got 30-years for stalking Elisha Cuthbert! Sure, I called a couple times, sent a few letters, installed a webcam in her shower, but 30 years? Anyway, it's not all bad. Would you believe my cellmate's a fellow Colgate alum? That's right. Warriors perennial backup center Adonal Foyle! I'm not his first Colgate roommate either. I guess he did time with former Falcons' safety Eugene Robinson back in January of 1999. Well, this should be interesting.

Day 735:
Prison's a dangerous place. A gang called The Kemps has been running around causing trouble in the name of their Daddy, who only goes by Rain Man (he's in for embezzling $15 million a year from numerous NBA franchises from 1997-2003). But guess what? None of them even thinks about stepping when I'm cruising around with my seven-foot security blanket.

Day 1,823:
Thank god I'm not stuck here with an average, Neon Bodeaux-type NBA imbecile. Adonal and I spent all last week writing our stage-version of "Perfect Strangers" and it killed at Spring Festival. We would've won first prize too, if not for Dikembe Mutombo and Yao Ming's rendition of "Who's on First?" Adonal does an unreal Balki impression. Roman Polanski directed it!

Day 2,456:
Man, Adonal is Andy Dufresne-smart. He was just named the warden's personal speech-writer, which means all sorts of perks for us -- extra pillows, toilet paper, food, etc. Latrell now braids my hair for free, and uses my extra rations to help "feed his family."

Day 3,757:
I'm not as worried about the whole sexual assault thing. Luke Ridnour and Kyle Korver were just thrown in here. That'll keep the troops busy for a while. We also played Battleship this afternoon, which was fun, except Adonal kept screaming, "Your plans are Foyled!" whenever he sunk a ship.

Day 4,391:
Life with Adonal's not too bad. My buddy Sam's chained to Grant Hill and during last week's three-legged race, Hill's ankle snapped right off.

Day 6,557:
I'm free! Elisha dropped the charges and they need space for a new prisoner named Kobe. I'm going to miss Adonal. If not for his constant protection, rapier wit (not you, Kobe) and a non-sexual love, understood only by Red and Dufresne, I would've ended up in the Insanity Wing with Artest and Rasheed a long time ago.


FINALIST NO. 4
Name: Theresa MacDonald
College: American University, 2004
Residence: Washington, DC
Current Job: Unemployed
Age: 22

Bleh. This question implies, "What? There are chicks still in this competition? Eh, whatever."

Whatever, I say back to YOU, Bill and Chuck! It's not fair. In my brain, I love the idea of women's sports. I am all for their existence. Woot!

But I don't so much watch them. I know they're there; they just aren't in my face. And at my current post-college status, let's be honest -- I'd much rather find five dollars than witness a Mystics championship. Sorry.

If this was five years ago and I could've answered with a player of either gender, this assignment would've been simple ... Rick Fox. Why? Put it this way: I'm not saying I'm the greatest thing to ever grace the female species, but honestly, I'm cute enough. And I'm not stupid; I know what goes on "behind prison walls." So I figure my best bet would be to pair myself with an NBA player prettier than I am. And it's quite clear that Rick Fox's eyelashes out-lengthen mine by miles. And he has such lovely skin, thanks to the good people of Proactiv. Honestly, I don't know why his NBA nickname wasn't "Inmate Lovin' Decoy." Maybe it can still catch on and sweep the nation.

But the question specifies that we must bunk with an active player -- same gender (to maintain the realism of this concept, no doubt). So, of the handful of WNBAers I can name without help, I'd pick Sparks guard Teresa Weatherspoon. Really only for the convenience of those around us: all our little jail friends would simply have to yell, "Yo, T(h)eresa!" and we could both turn around.

Maybe it's an arbitrary reason to pick someone, but last time, I was horrified at how many finalists had the same answers I had. I'm pretty sure that no one else will have my same reason this week, as no one in this contest is named Anferne, Chauncey, Speedy, Moochie, Lucious, Brevin, or Bonzi.

Eventually, I'm sure Teresa and I would grow to be great friends: I can tell her about "Laguna Beach;" she can tell me about the 70s. We can braid each other's hair. When a corrupt prison guard impregnates one of us, the other one can serve as godmother at the prison baptism.

Like Zack Attack, we're certain to be friends forever.

P.S. If anyone else has my same answer this week, I'm eliminating myself.


FINALIST NO. 5
Name: Renee
College: University of Alberta 2005
Residence: Edmonton
Current Job: Accounting Student
Age: 23

Does Doug Christie count as an WNBAer?

Okay ... WNBA soul mate ... no problem ... PIECE OF CAKE ... just gotta drop off my Rebecca Lobo jammies at the dry cleaners first. GO LOBO!!! What? She retired???

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Honestly, can you name 10 WNBA players? If yes, shame on you. This assignment is the equivalent of asking male porn industry hopefuls which phalluses, instead of women, they find most impressive. Or, to put it another way, what do you find more riveting? The Seattle Storm or Danny Fortson's Pigtails. I hardly think I'm overstating things when I answer, in the words of Dick Vitale, "THE PEOPLE'S PIGTAILS BABY". Injustice aside, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, even if that means doubling bandwidth usage on WNBA.com.

So, here are my options on where to take this. I can do the obvious and craft an answer based mainly on lesbian prison sex. Sadly, at this time I'm not ready for the endless nightmares involving a tickle fight with Asian sensation Zheng Haixia (GOOGLE her and you'll understand).

I can call Gloria Allred and file a sexual discrimination suit. But alas, I can't afford her retainer, seeing as I sold my soul to the Devil last month for a 6" tuna sub.

So, I'm going with plan C, picking the biggest, baddest, MFer in the WNBA. Political correctness aside, I weigh about 115 lbs and would be more than happy to be someone's prison (psuedonym for female dog) for the promise of safety and leftovers.

At this point, I'd like to present my future proprietor, Latasha "Tot" Byears, the perfect choice for so many reasons. First, she refers to herself as the toughest player in the WNBA; and seeing as I don't know any better, I'll take her word for it. Second, she served a 2 game suspension for using an opposing player's face as target practice, and that takes balls ... literally. Third, she was investigated for assault making my chances of bumping into her in prison pretty darn good. Finally, the piece de resistance, I present the following quote: "I came in through the back door, I'm leaving through the FRONT, SIDE and MIDDLE. Man, roll the red velvet out for me, 'cause I'm the boss." (You try finding a WNBA quote)

I like velvet, I'm all for dating bosses, and in the words of Baby Got Back ... "I like big butts and I cannot lie".

Case closed.


THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 5: 1-2 | 3-5

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 5 (ELIMINATED): 1-2




Bill
Simmons
THE SPORTS GUY