By Bill Simmons
Page 2

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 6: 1-3

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 6 (ELIMINATED): 1-2


Editor's Note: The following two finalists were eliminated ...

FINALIST NO. 1
Name: Rich Levine
College: Colgate University 2002
Residence: Boston, MA
Current Job: Editorial Assistant
Age: 25

1. Having already discussed Rusty Kuntz, I'll dig deeper into the goldmine of those unfortunate souls born to instinctively evil parents.

Possible contenders:

Coco Crisp: Legally admissible evidence as to why smoking pot and making babies don't mix.

Dizzy Nutter: He's over 80 years retired, and it's high time the Baseball HOF recognizes the lone man named for his father having conceived him on a Tilt-a-Whirl.

Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje: The product of a mother far too insistent on passing on her maiden name.

Dwayne Schintzius: A name painfully drilled into my brain by Ahmad Rashad on Inside Stuff, DS kept the mullet stylish in the Association and was robbed of Best Supporting Actor honors for his portrayal of Ivan Radovadovitch in Eddie.

And of course:

Now entering the game for the Rockets, Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo!

But when it's time to separate the men from the boys, one name rises above all:

Fans of UNC-Charlotte women's basketball (Read: player's moms) might remember her as Ivi Mandic, but don't let the moniker fool you. Prior to transferring before the 2002 season, this 6-4 Bosnian giant was affectionately known by her God-given name: Ivana Mandic. It's a shame Ms. Mandic wasn't hanging around Georgetown back when Mr. Wamutumbo posed the question, "Who want to make sex Dikembe?" The possibilities are endless.

2. A nickname can be an unbelievable gift:

Is William Perry still hovering around C-list celebrity status if he's never dubbed the Fridge?

And at the same time a vicious curse:

-- "Clean up Aisle Six, that's all you Baby Jordan."
-- "For the last time, it's Harold, damnit!"

Some are bred out of pure coincidence:

I'd like to think Andrei Kirilenko chose number 47 with the name AK47 in mind -- but then I'd also like to think Jessica Alba and Brittany Murphy make-out with each other in Sin City.

Others pretty much write themselves:

e.g. The Nigerian Nightmare

With that said, here's my top three:

Da Meat Hook: No offense to Dimitri Young, but da original Meat Hook, Demetri Hill, weighed in at about 6-7, 260 pounds and led the Florida Gators to one of the more improbable Final Four runs in history.

Temple Bethel: If for no other reason than I'm pretty sure Bethel Johnson has no clue what his nickname means. I doubt Corsica, Texas has a place of worship for its Semitic population.

The Russian Pocket Rocket: The only thing worse than Valeri Bure playing "Pocket Rocket" to Pavel's "Russian Rocket" would be sitting at dinner holding hands with Candace Cameron, while big bro's across the table making out with Anna Kournikova. Wait ...

3. I was all set to TiVo Nickolodeon's Kids Court but turns out it was canceled back in '94, and all the other "judge shows" conflicted with my Golden Girls season pass. Man, what I'd give to go back in time and bring back a young Bea Arthur to star in "The Ivana Mandic Story." A guy can dream, can't he?


FINALIST NO. 2
Name: Renee
College: University of Alberta 2005
Residence: Edmonton
Current Job: Accounting Student
Age: 23

First off, a gift to America:

    "We're in Stage Flirting, and Operation Flirt is in PROGRESS!"
    --- Charlie "The Bachelor" O'Connell (age: 29).

The above quote is in honour of C-Bach filming a 'meet the family' episode in Edmonton recently. Rumour has it the Canadian girl with the insanely big breasts is in the top 4 ... will my country ever stop giving? Anyway ...

In formulating a strategy with which to approach this (not so) Lame Name Game, I wasn't sure what to make of Mr. Kimmel's use of the word "greatest". My inner Gammons naturally lobbied for a strict interpretation based on name recognition and historical relevance. Sadly however, G-Dre (Gammons + Compadre) was ultimately overruled by the other 99% of my brain and what follows is an unfortunate 'bouillabaisse' of gratuitous mockery, genital homonyms, and cultural insensitivity.

And now ... the 3 greatest names in sports:
3. Dick Butkus -- Not only does it contain 2 nether region nouns but also 1 action verb involving the smooching of one of the regions. If my math is correct 2 + 1 does = 3 ...

2. Coco Crisp -- Had to put this on the list because I wanted to see how long it would take you guys to realize that he doesn't actually have the same name as the cereal we're all thinking of (see bottom of entry). It blew my mind ... a definite double 'cereal' entendre.

1. Ivana Mandic (female basketball player) -- Anyone whose name: a) redundantly declares the penis as a male possessive and b) is clearly the sad result of their parents losing a "I'll let you name my child" bet with Bart Simpson deserves the top spot, period.

3 greatest nicknames in sports:
3. "Irk" Nowitski -- Get it? Dirk without the'D'? ... I crack myself up sometimes.

2. Charles Barkley "The Round Mound of Rebound" -- What can I say ... I'm partial to good alliteration plus you can never go wrong with mocking people who are shaped like balls.

1. Vince Carter "Air Canada" -- Upon reflection, nicknaming Michelle's son after a bankrupt airline known for bad service, fluffy flight attendants, and overpriced seats, might have been the sole shining example of foresight in the entire Mr. Softie era.

And finally, a short recap of Monday's episode of Judge Joe Brown:

A little ditty I've entitled: "Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones but Mace Will Definitely Blind You for Insulting My Crossed Eyed Child in a Church"

Since words are at a premium and the title is somewhat self explanatory, let me just wrap this up with the following:

Question: What do you get when you mix a spunky 14-year-old Sunday school tutor with a crossed-eyed Momma's boy with a penchant for calling people gay?

(That was quite the mouth full.)

Answer: Lets just say insults were hurled, mothers were told, violence may have been threatened, and mace was most definitely sprayed ... and to think, all this under the weeping eyes of our Lord and Savior.

(COCO Puffs & Sugar CRISPS)


THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 6: 1-3

THE FINALISTS -- ROUND 6 (ELIMINATED): 1-2




Bill
Simmons
THE SPORTS GUY