By Bill Simmons
Page 2

FINALIST NO. 1
Name: Matt Bank
College: Dartmouth College, 2004
Residence: New York, NY
Current Job: Structured finance paralegal
Age: 22

Like Flavor Flav's sunglasses and top hat at his wedding symbolized the end of "Strange Love", so does my submission symbolize the end of this contest. Stay classy, San Diego.

My websites are organized into basically useless categories:

Culture:
Hacksawjimduggan.com -- The official site of Hacksaw Jim Duggan. In college, I always begged people to forego a band for our parties and hire this guy instead to mill around just being huge, but no one ever jumped on board with me.

Little Hercules -- Simultaneously the coolest and creepiest kid on earth.

SportsPickle.com -- Good-natured, PG sports humor written in that sardonic Onion style. Recent headlines include: "Cubs release Prior and Wood's disabled list schedules for the remainder of the season", and "Amusement park operators advise patrons to wipe off seats before riding the Michael Vick Experience".

Shotgun Rules -- Useful and concise summary of the rules of calling "Shotgun" for a road trip.

Gunthernet.com -- A Swedish guy who calls himself "The Pleasureman" and has contests to be his lover. I'm not sure what's weirder: the concept on the whole, or that he seems to be serious.

Drewmarlowe.com -- April Madness: find a new Pope. The Africa-Asia bracket looks strong but, historically, we know a #6 seed always knocks off a #3.

DC United -- After the Dodgers beat the Giants last week, I called my friend Mike in LA to see what his thoughts were. I asked him if any other team in the majors has a second baseman batting cleanup and Mike said he thought DC United might, but he wasn't sure. They don't. I checked.

Busey World -- A tribute to the greatest comedic actor and likely the most influential persona in the shot clock era. There, I said it.

News:
ESPN.com -- Sometimes you just need a hit from the ol' crack pipe and you don't care if a cop just pulled you over.

ESPN.com -- Sometimes I wonder in what round Maurice Clarett's going to be drafted, and then I look back at something like this and stop giving a crap.

ABCNews.com -- When potheads go WAY too far.

MSN.com -- Old news, really, but Britney's admission of pregnancy really signals the end of an era -- one I particularly enjoyed. I feel like I just got out of the big house without any direction or purpose and I'm wondering where to go from here. Lindsay Lohan? Hillary Duff?

MSNBC.com -- Swedes are totally messed up. Really. We need a preemptive strike or something.

Thisislondon.com -- Sports are great, but I'd give them up tomorrow if it meant keeping my boys.

Opinions:
AfterEllen.com -- Majorly intense people discuss to no end the lesbian relationship between Marisa and Alex on 'The OC'. The more discussion of Marisa and Alex's relationship the better in my book.

Multimedia:
Terry Tate: Office Linebacker -- What happened to the "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" advertising campaign? Like Ricky Williams, it seemed to have ridden off into a bong-shaped sunset way too soon. All those trite Geico ads, and we lose this one in its prime ...

America We Stand As One -- I'm not sure what this is all about, but this guy's a cross between Edwin McCain and Weird Al (after jumping the shark).

HomeRun -- Kill time by keeping the drunken guy upright. My record is 89.


FINALIST NO. 2
Name: Kevin Cott
College: University of Georgia, 2002
Residence: Atlanta, GA
Current Job: law school student
Age: 24

As we sit in the pre-game locker room for the last time, faced with the sobering reality that Judgment Day is finally upon us, I have just one question: "Which one of you is coming in second?"

Friday, April 8th
USAtoday.com -- Kevin Willis dishes fashion gossip on the league, hopefully all while wearing a beret. Sadly, there's no mention of the "McHale sweater."

Wayofthemaster.com -- Growing up, I was taught to believe that Mike Seaver was cool. Then I saw this website. Now I question my entire childhood.

Guerillasports.com -- I'll admit, at first glance, the Ron Mexico story doesn't look good. But don't underestimate Superman. By somehow making herpes fashionable, he's about to take Billy Madison's "all the cool kids pee their pants" ploy to a whole new level.

Sportssatirereport.com -- I actually tried to defend Isiah the GM for a long time, mainly because I was still blinded by Isiah the point guard. But I finally caved, and now realize that he's fully capable of trading a quality center for a middle reliever, so long as the middle reliever is tied to an exorbitant contract.

Newsobserver.com -- A candidate for student body president at N.C. State is running on the platform of being a pirate. Seriously, I've come up with at least twenty Leno jokes here, so I think it's best to just let it go.

Saturday, April 9th
Scurvydawg.com -- All right Gates, give me Blue Steel!

Nbadraft.net -- Comprehensive NBA draft site with insightful scouting reports on all prospects, including high-schoolers and foreign players. Seeing Bogut slotted for the Hawks sounds about right. If he's anything close to Adam Keefe, consider the Eastern Conference locked up for the next fifteen years.

Hometown.aol.com -- The late, great Mitch Hedberg. Helps if you can hear his delivery.

Omega.med.yale.edu -- I like an evil overlord joke as much as the next guy, but the commitment to it here is truly astounding.

Bojack.org -- Between you and me, the sleeper of the tourney is Godfried Danneels. He's peaking just in time.

Sunday, April 10th
Clinthoward.com -- Clint Howard revolutionizes comedy with his creation of the low-budget internet variety show. I like to think of him as the Wojo of actors: no real discernable talent, but there's no quit in him.

Billyzabka.com -- For me, the most difficult part of this competition was guarding against trying to write like Simmons, which is harder than it might sound. But that doesn't mean I can't shamelessly throw in this link.

Sundayherald.com -- That does it, I'm no longer moving to Bangladesh.

NYpost.com -- Stern's kill total reaches triple figures. By the way, I'd pay a month's rent to hear him just once respond to accusations with, "Don't mess with the bull ... you'll get the horns."

Monday, April 11th
Madsen35.com -- Two things: Mark Madsen is a national treasure, and Shaq would make one hell of a friend.

Pajiba.com -- Informative review of Fever Pitch, although somewhat ambiguous. For instance, "failure on all levels" could mean anything.

Madison.com -- The real life Van Wilder (or Droz Andrews). I wonder how many times he's heard the "I get older, they stay the same age" line.

CBSnews.com -- Andy Rooney reminds me here of the drunken priest in Caddyshack ("There is no God"), so I felt obligated to put it in.

Tuesday, April 12th
Defamer.com -- I've got to imagine that losing a territorial fight to a fellow Batman impersonator is some sort of rock bottom, probably a notch below getting KO'd by Glass Joe, but still above stealing drug money from your grandmother (note -- scroll down to Batman picture).

Hooplife.ca -- White men CAN jump ... but only in Canada (for a story on him)

Phat5.com -- I was always partial to Bob Horner, but I can live with this list.

Cleveland.com -- Is it wrong that I tried to trade him upon hearing the rumor? Right, of course not. All is fair in love and fantasy basketball.

NYpost.com -- So Peter Vecsey is calling out members of the media for irresponsible reporting? Okay, just wanted to clarify.

Wednesday, April 13th
Newyorkmetro.com -- I swear, if the funniest show since Seinfeld gets cancelled to make room for more of "Fat People Having Their Self-Esteem Completely Shattered," I'm bolting to Switzerland. It would be like the Angels cutting Vlad Guerrero to make room for the next Glenallen Hill.

NJguido.com -- Make sure to check out the writings. I suggest "NJ Anthem," which contains the classic line, "They don't know what it's like to be on the Surf Club beach on Saturday and Sunday with the world's best looking people." So true.

Blackpeopleloveus.com -- In the upcoming movie based upon this website, I hear Will Ferrell has already been cast as "over-smiling white guy."

Seattlepi.com -- Everything you need to know about the "man date." Probably not a huge issue with the NJguido guys.

Ebay.com -- Someone put way too much faith in Googs.


FINALIST NO. 3
Name: Theresa MacDonald
College: American University, 2004
Residence: Washington, DC
Current Job: Unemployed
Age: 22

Friday, April 8
New York Post -- It is my understanding that the judge granted a motion to declare a writ of "boys will be boys."

ESPN.com Page 3 -- Yeah, yeah ... Tom Brady's great ... But seriously, what's a "Victoria's Secret book?"

Active Anime -- Okay, so if this seems too long and business jargony for you to bother with, let me share some of the highlights with you: Andre 3000 is developing a cartoon for The Cartoon Network. Seriously. And former Real World San Francisco cast member Judd has a cartoon coming out in June. It gives me warm fuzzies when ex-reality stars get out of my face for several years, only to resurface with evidence that they've been doing something productive with their time, besides appearing on The Surreal Life. Here's to Judd.

NashuaTelegraph.com -- I don't know what Jim Baker is talking about. Curt Schilling on Celebrity Poker Showdown was the greatest combination of two of my favorite things since that night they had karaoke at the bowling alley.

Eagle Tribune -- "Blown Identity" ... the end of the Rivera Era or a low-budget porn? You decide.

Saturday, April 9
KSL.com -- If I had $1000/month and a reason to move to Idaho, I would fight you for this. To the death.

WISTV.com -- You know, there are several professional athletes I would accept "the happies" from. Michael Vick isn't one of them.

New York Post -- You know how hell is probably different for everyone? Like say some dude went through his life swindling old people out of their money, and then his punishment when he died was waxing old women's bikini lines and eating fuzzy mints out of the pockets of old men for eternity ... This article kinda reminds me of that.

The News and Observer -- Anyone who speaks only in pirate-speak is okay in my book. Bonus points for all the serious candidates he had to have pissed off along the way. I heart democracy.

Sunday, April 10
Newsday.com -- All I know is that if I were on a team with Ryan Seacrest and I was the "goofy, spiky-haired sidekick" of the pair, I would drop off the face of the planet too.

PRWeb.com -- Terrell Buckley wants YOU to join him in golfing with both "black celebrities" AND "white celebrities" ... because he knows how much you hate golfing with Eskimos.

SportsIllustrated.com -- We had a tradition like this at my college, only instead of "the football field," it was "the library restroom." And instead of going there "to have sex," it was going there "to poop." No lie. Everyone did it.

MSNBC.com -- Not only does this article make me super-stoked about The Family Guy, but it also gives me inspiration as to how I might be able to get networks to put Jem back on the air. Outrageous.

Monday, April 11
E Online -- I haven't been this un-shocked since ... well ... ever.

MTV.com -- In one fell swoop, all of the government's work to encourage activity among America's youth is wiped out by a television special ABOUT a video game system. Also, I hope Elijah Wood speaks only in his Frodo voice during the whole special. And I hope he says, "I'd like to play Madden on Samwise Gamgee's X-Box, if you know what I mean," confirming once and for all that Frodo is hot for Sam.

SportsIllustrated.com -- This story is so trashy, it's great. Especially the fact that there were so many bats accessible during the altercation in the dorms. What the hell? I lived in dorms for three years, and I didn't see a single bat anywhere the entire time. Why does everyone at Tennessee have a bat? I'll have to remember to ask God that when I die.

St. Petersburg Times -- If cursing in front of children is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Slate.com -- Read this, if only for the story of the dad who named one of his sons "Winner" and another one "Loser." But it is also a very useful article to have on hand when watching an NBA game; everyone should know the socioeconomic impact of naming a child Anfernee.

Tuesday, April 12
MSNBC.com -- Dear Hilary Swank, Just when I thought you couldn't possibly bother me more, you go and do this. "Celebrity Charades" sounds like the suckiest load of suck that ever sucked. Thank you for renewing my faith in the impossible, Hilary. Love and kisses, Theresa. P.S. Write back when your husband does something that will replace him as "that AIDS guy from Life Goes On" in my brain. It's been like 15 years; I'd like to move on, but I can't do it without his help. Thanks.

ESPN.com -- To me, the most exciting thing about Major League Baseball's tougher steroid policy is that it will force players to get more creative in their cheating. I look forward to more corked bats, hidden ball tricks, and perhaps some sort of confusing switch-offs involving identical twins wearing the same number.

SportsIllustrated.com -- Apparently SOMEONE never learned the old adage, "Arrest me once in a two-week period, shame on you. Arrest me twice in a two-week period, shame on ME." Shame on you, Antonio Kellogg. Shame on you.

Yahoo News -- Beautiful. My great-grandparents totally came to this country for opportunity like this.

Entertainment Weekly -- I found Stephen King's enthusiasm for "Fever Pitch" more terrifying than "The Shining". Until I decided he probably just wrote this to promote his own cameo in the movie and his own book. Self-promotion is slightly less terrifying than total abandonment of sanity (if you even consider King sane).

ESPN Page 2 -- Jealousy rears its ugly head. Eighty-six times. (Except not really, because Bucky Dent, Johnny D's book, and Fever Pitch are each on there a couple times.)

Wednesday, April 13
MSNBC.com -- My only wish is that someday, I am so famous that nobody liking me is considered "news."

SportsIllustrated.com -- Just the idea of Peyton Manning and Reggie Miller sitting around talking about relationships and restaurants sends me into a giggling fit. Probably because in my vision, they are lying on sleeping bags, painting each other's toenails.

Seatttlepi.com -- And if you often find yourself in Peyton/Reggie or Sam/Frodo situations, you may be interested in this riveting article on the "man date."

MSNBC.com -- If ever there was a time for an all-naked episode of SNL, this is it. Just thowin' that out there.

MTV.com -- Best case scenario: The baby takes on the better traits of each parent. So it will be rich with big breasts and potent sperm.




Bill
Simmons
THE SPORTS GUY