Single page view By Bill Simmons
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I'm writing this with a heavy heart ...

On "Hit Me One More Time" last night, the great Howard Jones somehow lost to Irene Cara. How can an '80s icon who pumped out at least 10 quality songs lose to someone who had two? That's an excellent question. Sure, it was partly his fault – he should have played a more upbeat song than "No One is to Blame," and he should have covered Coldplay instead of Dido. But still, it felt like the '80s died last night – when the crowd made its choice, the mutant Australian host was congratulating a stunned Cara, the crowd was going bonkers, and poor Howard Jones was headed back to England and taking the '80s with him. I will now ram a shish kabob needle into my Adam's apple.

Onto the mailbag – as always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Q: I fully expect that after Clemens wins his 333rd game, in his press conference, he will take off his cap and will pull back his hair – revealing an identical 333 burned into his scalp; thus fulfilling the prophecy. This will immediately be followed by all the reporters in the room melting away, with their bones exploding like in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
–William S., New York

SG: The best part about this would be Wilbon and Kornheiser discussing the incident on PTI the following day.

Kornheiser: "All right, Wilbon, some sad news last night, we found out that Roger Clemens was indeed the anti-Christ, as nearly 50 reporters – including some of the best this business had to offer – were melted to death after the prophecy was fulfilled. Wilbon, you were there, but you were able to get out of the room in time … how does this affect Roger Clemens' legacy?

Wilbon: "Oh, it absolutely affects his legacy! There's no question! Tony, he killed 50 media members! He melted them to death!"

Kornheiser: "But he's still the greatest pitcher of the last 50 years!"

Wilbon: "Tony, he's the anti-Christ!"

Kornheiser: "I don't see how that affects his Hall of Fame resume – 333 wins, over 4,500 strikeouts, 7 Cy Youngs … "

Wilbon: "Tony, he's a mass murderer! Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame for gambling on baseball, this guy melted 50 people! He almost killed me!"

Kornheiser: "Well, that shouldn't affect what he accomplished on the field. Ty Cobb wasn't a nice guy either. [We hear a bell in the background.] Moving to the NBA Finals … "

Q: Bill, i was just enjoying your latest mailbag, including the potential hits on dale sveum. i was at "game on" (a bar in Boston) after their games last week and saw sveum. needless to say, my friends and i were intoxicated and shouted out that we saw him. immediately, 5 of us started shouting and waving our arms in the classic "windmill" motion. He was looking right at us, and it was priceless.
–Todd, Boston

SG: We'll be back on "Drunken 3 a.m. e-mails from the Boston Area" right after this.

Q: Some time ago you answered the question of the best "holy crap, she is actually going to show her breasts" moment in cinema. What is the worst "holy crap, what a disappointment" moment in cinema? JoBeth Williams in "Teachers" and Goldie Hawn in "Wildcats" spring to mind.
–Zach W., Deerfield Beach, Fla.

Continued...


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