4. "Mr. Burgundy! You have a massive erection!"
"Really? Um, yes ... I do."
To Ray Allen, who used the Clips and Cavs as leverage for another whopping contract from the Sonics, allowing him to pass the $150 million mark for his career (shouldn't they keep track of this stuff, the same way they do with movies?) Plus, Black Starz showed "He Got Game" for the 10,000th time last week. Big summer for Ray.
(The biggest argument with "Anchorman": What's the single-funniest scene? Some of my friends swear by the erection scene, capped off by Burgundy screaming, "Don't act like you're not impressed!" I'm partial to Brian Fantana's breaking out Sex Panther, then getting hosed down outside the network building like he's Meryl Streep in "Silkwood." Others enjoy the Jack Black cameo. Others swear by the phone booth scene. There's a really a plethora of choices. It's a cornucopia. A bevy. A potpourri.)
5. "I look good ... really good. Hey everyone, come and see how good I look!"
To the Pacers, who looked like the best team in basketball on the night of the Artest Melee, at least until Ben Wallace and his temper intervened (everyone forgets this). Now they get Artest back, plus they added the most NBA-ready player in the draft (Danny Granger) and a clutch Lithuanian point guard with a Ginobili-like resume overseas (Sarunas Jasikevicius). How could they not be the favorites right now? Who's deeper 1-through-10? Imagine if they won a couple championships without Reggie Miller? We'd have to move him into a reality house with Don Mattingly.
6. "Oh my God, what it that smell?"
"That's the smell of desire, my lady."
"God, no ... it smells like a used diaper covered in Indian food!"
"You know, desire smells like that to some people."
To Kwame Brown ... I mean, who else would this go to? You can make excuses for the past four years -- MJ ruined his confidence, he's never played on a team that wasn't controlled by shot-happy perimeter players, he needed a fresh start in a new city, etc. -- but the bottom line is this: He didn't play hard every night. Now he's with Phil Jackson (who has a spotty history of developing young players) and Kobe Bryant (who could care less about getting anyone else involved in the offense -- just ask Lamar Odom). So we should expect Kwame to play harder and earn that $22 million over the next three years? I'm a little dubious.
(Best line that I'm not allowed to quote from this movie: The one about Bigfoot that comes two lines after the above exchange. High comedy. You had to have been smoking the marijuana that's given to cancer patients to come up with something as good as the Bigfoot line. I'm telling you.)
7. "We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now, and in no way is that depressing!"
To the Clippers, who keep shifting deck chairs on the Titanic and claiming that it's a new boat. This summer, they made their token "Let's get the fans excited" run at Ray Allen (not a chance), allowed the heart of the team (Simmons) to sign with Milwaukee, then spent Bobby's money on Cuttino Mobley (a solid Plan B). Also, they signed Zeljko Rebraca to a three-year, $12 million deal, an interesting move because the Sports Gal kept accidentally calling him "Recrappa" during Clippers games last season. And that's been it -- they have eight guys under contract right now. Needless to say, I'm not putting money aside every week to save for 2006 playoff tickets.