19. "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Di-ah-go, which of course in German means 'a whale's vagina.'"
To Nikoloz Tskitishvili, who parlayed a 25-point summer league game into an actual contract offer from the Wolves. Seriously, who's worse than him? You might as well offer Dennis Rodman a contract at that point. Unbelievable. None of this would be happening in Minnesota if Kevin McHale were still alive.
(By the way, classic Ferrell at the end of this scene, when Applegate corrects him and tells him that it's really the "Saints of Diego," and Ferrell dismisses her with "agree to disagree." High comedy, although he still peaks in the phone booth scene. Another quintessential Ferrell moment happens near the end, when he's telling the bartender -- That Guy from "Heat," by the way -- how Applegate took his job, then he revs the bad acting into fifth gear with, "And you know what the worst thing is? She's better than me. She's better than me." That's a lost art -- the comedian who's clearly kidding, but he can have an acting moment, anyway. Although he's no Adam Carolla in this respect. Few people are. All right, I'm rambling.)
20. "I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly . . . mmmm mmmm mmmm."
To Charlie Villanueva, a nice enough college player who went 10 spots too early (not his fault) and took a Joey Buttafuoco/Scott Peterson-level beating from fans and media members over the subsequent few weeks. Just wait until the season starts and he becomes the first rookie ever to get booed at home -- they're going to have to swipe the key to his mini-bar on road trips. Poor Charlie. And you think I'm sneaking in a "Beds are burning" joke here, but I'm not.
21. "You are a smelly pirate hooker! Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!"
The funniest fight in the movie goes to the funniest fight of the offseason: Portland's Ha Seung-Jin (a 7-foot-3 South Korean) and Nedzad Sinanovic (a 7-foot-3 Bosnian) getting into a fistfight while shooting free throws at a summer workout, with Ha reportedly screaming, "I'll sue! I'll sue!" before getting pulled away. But it didn't stop there: Ha found Sinanovic in the team's weight room and attacked him with a wooden stretching pole, nailing him twice before they were separated. Within 24 hours, they had made up.
But that's not my favorite part. In John Canzano's report about the incident for The Oregonian, he mentioned how this was a good-natured altercation compared to some of the Portland incidents in the past, leading to this paragraph: "This isn't the same as Zach Randolph cold-cocking Ruben Patterson two seasons ago, breaking his eye socket, then being chased around the facility, and later having to spend the night, in hiding, at Dale Davis' house because Randolph feared for his life. The Ha-Sinanovic bout was about good competition, and frustration, and boiling points."
(Umm ... hiding out at Dale Davis' house? What? How have I never heard that one before? What else don't I know about the 1998-2005 Blazers? Why hasn't there been a five-hour "E! True Hollywood Story" yet? Why aren't cameras rolling at that facility at all times? I know, I know, I ask this every summer. Yeah, but still.)
22. "I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!"
To Michael Finley, who is in danger of being dumped in Dallas with the Amnesty Clause -- which is so confusing that ESPN.com's Marc Stein wrote 25 columns about it in the last three weeks and I still can't understand it. The question remains: Why waive a solid player with a ridiculous contract to save a few bucks when you could simply trade that ridiculous contract to the Knicks? That's what I can't figure out. Regardless, wouldn't you bet anything that Finley is playing with a chip on his shoulder next season? Me, too.