SG: Good question. Here are my guesses for eight of them ...

1. Rip Hamilton's nose.

2. Vince Carter's heart.

3-4. The lungs of Damon Stoudamire and Lamar Odom.

5. Quentin Richardson's back ... actually, this is true. Phoenix signed him even though the team couldn't get it insured, then Isiah assumed his contract under the same pretenses. Smart move. It's not as though bad backs are a chronic thing.

6. Gary Payton's back ... because of the salad fork sticking out of it.

7. Eduardo Najera's face ... if only because he's going to agitate someone to the point of a Kermit Washington-type incident soon. He makes Bruce Bowen look like Gandhi.

8. Jeff McInnis ... remember when Charles Oakley wanted to kill him before David Stern intervened? Well, I don't care whether they called a truce to keep the Commish happy. You don't cross Oak. In fact, I don't even like joking about Oakley under the 0.0001 percent chance he might know how to surf the Internet. Let's just move on.

Rafael Palmeiro
A paltry 10-game suspension for Palmeiro is the best Bud can do.

Q: Where does Roger Clemens rate on the "I'm too old and too tough to be going to a salon to have my hair highlighted" scale -- let's use rockers Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi as the benchmark.
--Randall Iovino, Rockville, Md.

SG: Right up there with Brad Pitt ... although Celtics GM Danny Ainge is a perfect 10 on the scale, since he gets his hair highlighted at the same hair salon as my stepmother. In fact, she was sitting next to him while he made at least 12 cell phone calls about the impending Antoine Walker trade last week, leading to her calling me and "breaking" the trade over her cell phone on the way home. That's right, my stepmother broke the impending Celtics trade on the way home from her hair salon. I will now give myself a manicure with a machete.

Q: I'm getting married in few months at Mandalay Bay, as opposed to St. Joseph's Chapel at Holy Cross. (I'm an HC '98 grad). I guess my question is this, how long do I have to wait after the official "I Do's" to play a hand of blackjack? I mean, my fiancee and I have been together for three years, so it's not like we haven't already consummated the relationship. Plus, most of my boys will be out in Vegas with us. I figured you would have some sort of ruling for me.
--Chris M., Worcester, Mass.

SG: I feel like the Wolf in "Pulp Fiction" right now. Okay -- I'm assuming you're having a reception, and I'm assuming she'll change out of her dress sometime during the night. When she goes to your room to change, tell her you're staying downstairs to play "just a couple of hands" with your buddies. She'll be fine with that, but she'll insist that you play in a specific section so she can find you after she changes. Tell her you'll be at the tables closest to the sports book. Then tell her she looked beautiful tonight and you're so glad she's your wife and all that crap.

As soon as she leaves, walk to the opposite end of the gaming area and find the tables near Raffles Cafe, which are hidden away a little bit. By the time she takes the elevator up, changes, calls her friends, comes back down, then walks around to find you, that should be about 45 minutes -- enough time for three shoes. When she does find you, tell her that you had to switch tables because the dealer was bad luck -- this way she won't be angry about it. And even if you're losing, tell her that you were on a hot streak right when she showed up -- in fact, you've never been on a roll like this before. She'll be thinking, "Cool, I'm having eggs benedict tomorrow from room service, and screw it, I might even steal one of the robes!" and leave you alone for another 45 minutes.

Continued...


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