Boston, beware: There's a guy with no name and no money in possession of my wallet.
(And for once, it's not me.)
My wallet and I parted ways on Saturday night at around 2:30 a.m. I know exactly where I left it, kind of: in a Boston taxi. Now, things could have been worse. My license wasn't in there. But it could have been better. I could have it back. So with that in mind, consider this The Intern's Four-Step Guide to Losing A Wallet For People Somewhat Lacking Common Sense.
1. Minimize Potential Damage
Obviously, leave home anything besides your license, a credit card, a little cash and whatever other necessary personal effect you might need. More importantly, don't antagonize the driver. Don't quiz him about the travails of his life. Don't recreate an HBO late-night show in his back seat. Don't accuse him of going a wayward route. Don't blame him that cabs charge you while sitting at lights. Don't react so strongly to a joke that you slap the plastic behind his head, nearly causing him to careen into a mailbox. And don't, under ANY circumstances, underpay him.
In my case, when we reached our destination, we had enough to cover the fare and 43 cents more. I was begging him to drive me to an ATM, but it was like he was breaking up with us: "No, please ... just go!" I don't think he was too happy though. If my wallet was floating at the bottom of the Charles, I wouldn't be surprised.
2. Contact The Authorities ... But Not Too Much
The worst part of this experience? Being on the phone at 2:30 a.m. doing something other than ordering subs or PPV porn. One call to the credit card company, two calls to the Boston police and a call to Metro Cab (my best guess) and here was the outcome: one hour of phone time, two canceled credit cards and the assurance that the cab company was legally obligated to turn in whatever it found to an agency called Hackney. HACKNEY? Consider me not reassured, and credit this question to Sam Adams, but not entirely&
"So, Officer, is there going to be, like, some kind of ransom or something?"
Since I'd never heard a cop laugh so hard, I decided to push my luck with one more call to the cab company for an update.
"Sir, you JUST called here 15 minutes ago!"
Whoops! Moving on&
What would A.J. Soprano do if he found your wallet? Basically, you need to think like someone who would show up at gym class drunk on stolen Communion wine. The first thing I thought was my membership card for ... how do we say it here ... the Humongous Video Rental Chain. I could picture A.J. finding a wallet, renting 12 xbox games at the HVRC, hawking them at school, then taking Devin out to Vesuvio's.
Yikes. It's almost scary that I came up with that in so little time. Emergency fourth step!
4. Cancel your HVRC membership immediately.
There we go. Even if I never see the damn wallet again, I feel like this was all worthwhile.
(And if someone at Hackney is reading this, name your price. Seriously. I'll pay.)
Onto the links ...
CNN.com (9/23) -- Last-minute, 1:24 a.m. Friday addition to the links! Some Jacksonville University students have been busted for installing a pole in their living room and holding a dance contest. If they checked IDs and nobody none of the women disrobed, why's the girl getting in trouble? My roommate's in law school: this could be his Marbury v. Madison.
SF Gate (9/21) -- While you were thinking about dropping Brandon Lloyd, fantasy sports cost U.S. businesses over $180 million in wasted productivity this week. In other news, emails complaining that the picture by the Marquis Weeks quote was actually of a UNC player cost another $5.6 million, and Simmons' 61* column cost at least 700 rolls of toilet paper.
Fox Sports (9/21) -- So the Cavs want to sign Keon Clark to an extension, but they can't find him. (No, it's not just Gordon Gund.) I know Clark's got a bum ankle, but I think it's time to enact the first ever Rodney White Clause.
IncreasingShoes.com -- Simmons claims 5-foot-7, fans claim 5-10, and then there's this site: "Wouldn't it be wonderful to get the answer for Barry Pepper's height?" Yes, it would.
(Sidenote: it's kind of fun to play with the URL here. Tom-Cruise.html worked. So did Brad-Pitt and George-Clooney. Good to know Barry's on their level. But sadly, though he's taller than any of them, Kevin-Nealon isn't.)
WayOfTheMaster.com -- Apparently the guilt from inspiring a generation of wannabe Mike Seavers was just too much. Turn off your sound if you're at work. It's bad enough being told you're burning for eternity by a mini-Kirk Cameron; no need to be fired on top of it.
Mandonna.com -- Britney Spears lives in California, she's rich and she's trashy. Would it have killed her to hire this cover band (more sound) for her wedding reception? This is probably the only time that Howard Stern and I will have the same Link of the Week, so enjoy it.
Yahoo! News (9/20) -- So Lisa Kudrow is developing an HBO series called "The Comeback." I liked it a lot better when it was called "I'm Not Elaine" and sabotaged by Larry David at the pitch meeting.
The Onion -- "Terrorists Fear Attacks At Upcoming Al Qaeda Convention."
Cut It Out.net -- Because life could always be more surreal, Dave Coulier's homepage. His bio says that "nice guys can finish first," but that goes out the window in celebrity ski events. Totally out of left field: Does anyone remember Dennis Haskins pushing him from behind at a televised charity race in early 2001, causing Dave to wipe out and dislocate his shoulder? I'm pretty sure this was on NBC on a Saturday afternoon right after an XFL game, and I can picture a bummed-out Coulier in a log cabin, wearing a sling, saying, "Well, I thought I was going straight out of the gates. I really don't know what happened." If nobody can back me up on this, I'll write to Coulier.
Houston Chronicle (9/19) -- Nothing like a little Mad Libs: "(Insert number) people suffered minor injuries after a car collided with a MetroRail train (day of the week) in downtown Houston. The accident was the (number)st involving a light rail train. The accident happened at about (time) at (street). A (compass direction)-bound train collided with the car after the (gender) driver failed to stop at a (color) light, said Metropolitan Transit Authority Police Chief (name)." OK, now read it back!
BigNewsNetwork (9/18 -- Some new hyperbole for Shannon Sharpe: "I'd rather live under George Michael's floorboards for four days than play for Tom Coughlin." Then again, a chance to bust though singing "Freedom! Freeedom! C'mon, C'mon! Freeeeedom!" might be worth it.
Yahoo News (9/18) -- Two more for Jimmy Kimmel's mug shot mugs: Macaulay Culkin and Edward Furlong! Good to know Furlong wasn't killed by non-blanks at the end of "American History X" after all. Culkin was booked for drug possession, Furlong for ... freeing lobsters in a grocery store. Speaking of Kimmel, Simmons has been in L.A. for, what, almost two years? How long until he starts pulling this stuff? It took my brother five. Now he busts out lines like "First off, you can stop talking down to me!" on his landlord.
StadiumPal.com -- Making it possible for Daunte Culpepper to fumble at the goal line ... then get hit with a flying bag of urine.
My journalism degree put to use.
ABC News -- Two-year-old story about a female "superhero" named Terrifica that goes around busting up hookups in New York. I'm putting this up because I'm curious: Has anyone spotted her lately? If she's still living, it would be on the level of Rick James dying of "natural causes."
Times Leader (9/16) -- Ridiculous stuff about a guy living in fear of a witch in the Pennsylvania woods. There's a Teresa Heinz-Kerry joke to be made here, but I cook with ketchup like most people cook with olive oil. And I pay my taxes here. And I hate being told to shove it.
Marshall.edu -- Haven't crashed an athlete's web page in a couple months, so how 'bout Byron Leftwich's? And we haven't linked to a picture of an athlete with Michael Bolton for a couple months, so how 'bout Chris Rix (even more sound; click "Family and Friends")? How do you hold the camera steady when Rix, Carrot Top and Mark Cuban are posing in front of you? Carrot Top must have been telling jokes. That's the only explanation.
And finally, an answer to a burning question from last Friday's "Sim-botics" column. Simmons wrote:
"How do you go about getting gold teeth? Do you have to go to a special dentist? Could I go into my dentist's office right now and casually say, "Hey, I'm thinking about adding 12 18-carat gold caps on my teeth; can you schedule me an appointment?" How does this work?"
St. Louis Post-Dispatch -- More information than you'll ever need. Seems like there are two main competitors, Mr. Bling and Hip Hop Dentistry, and they're locked in a death match as to who can have the least appealing home page.
At Mr. Bling, it looks like MB7 was pummeled by DMX before he went in, and what's up with all the green teeth? Are they outfitting Andre Iguodala's iguanas? Then there's the Rapper Daddy Dentist. "The Doc Says Flossing is Really Good, Tell All The Boyz Down in the Hood." Uh-huh. I'll deliver the message right after I write a $1500 check to "The Cunning Dental Group."
Just as I started wondering how Chad Johnson could go through this ... 18 times ... in came reader David Grubb with the save:
"Chad Johnson's gold teeth are NOT permanent. He inserts them before every game to remind himself of where he comes from, unlike Edgerrin James', whose are never coming out, I'm sure. To get them in, the tooth has to be shaved down, and believe me, you don't want to see what's underneath when they are removed."
Ohhhh ... man! That's it! PullOutGrillsAndCaps.com, it is.
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