By The Intern
Page 2

Houston Chronicle (10/13), registration -- As much as I like the "Bill and Ted" theme, if Van Gundy's one-liners translate as poorly to Mandarin as they do to print, this seems a lot more like a bogus journey.

Salt Lake Tribune (10/13) -- Only in the U.S. can a seven-footer get cut from five NBA teams but still make $25,000 by guarding Shaq for a few hours. If Neil Fingleton isn't living in Shanghai by this time next year, I'll have lost all faith in (three semesters of) a UNC education.

CNN (10/13) -- Cue Hendrix's "Born Under a Bad Sign." As if Mommy being court marshaled for abusing Iraqi prisoners isn't enough, how 'bout having your arrival into the world trumpeted by ... Col. Billy Buckner! Eesh ... would horns and a tail count as a circumcision?

Sports Illustrated (10/12) -- Excerpts from Phil Jackson's new book, "The Last Season" are gold. The press release the Lakers put out Wednesday is even better: "There are several inaccuracies. We are not going to get into specific instances ... however, both readers and media should accept that there are inaccuracies." I reserve the right to use this instead of writing a B.S. Exposed column.

LINK OF THE DAY:
KSTP.com -- If you're an Elvis impersonator and you fake a seizure in front of the police so buddy can steal a car and you decide to jump up and start singing, how do you NOT go with "All Shook Up"? You'd think this guy had been drinking at the VFW all night.


WEDNESDAY
Foster's Daily Democrat (10/11) -- If you're looking for the Patriots' bandwagon to crash and burn, this might be the link for you. If you're looking for the Patriots' bandwagon to catch fire, this ALSO might be the link for you.

IOL.ie -- What a week for the '80s! An "A-Team" movie, a "Miami Vice" flick written by Michael Mann ... even a "Spaceballs" sequel. It would be great to see Princess Vespa again. The last thing she was in that I've heard of was "Melrose Place." That said, if you're in search of a guy that actually remembers this, you'd better click "Back" on your browser.

Blog Maverick (10/8) -- In a rant against The Dallas Morning News, here's a funny story from Mark Cuban about a guy pulling a knife on him back in college and Cuban not seeming the least bit fazed. What he meant: "I knew then it was my destiny to own an NBA franchise."

Conference Bike -- If seven people are pedaling this, is it going seven times faster when it hits a tree? Just checking.

LINK OF THE DAY:
Weather.com -- Per order of the SG, the latest Doppler report for Boston. Pay attention to rain Friday that could wash out the ALCS. The main benefit WAS Schilling/Pedro on Saturday/Sunday at home and on four days' rest. Now the goal is to remove the option of Francona pitching Schilling on three days' on Saturday. Put it this way: I get the feeling that if Tito were running the Army, he would have at least considered sending Lieutenant Dan back to Nam.


TUESDAY
KATU 2 (10/11) -- Who woulda thought? The plot thickens in the Qyntel Woods pit bull saga! Before all's said and done, it looks like Woods might face three charges: felony animal cruelty, drug possession (for old time's sake, I guess) and the re-entry of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" into NBA arenas. I think that last one's actually punishable by death.

Moving on, a few weeks back we linked to the story of Terrifica, the "superhero" who went around saving vulnerable girls at NYC nightspots back in 2002, and I wondered if she was still at it. Thanks to reader Brian Procopio of Attleboro, Mass., for solving the mystery. Judging by this statement two weeks after it came out, it sounds like she left the life, a la Clark Kent in "Superman II":

"I appreciate the interest, but since the ABC article came out (but not because of it), I've decided to hang up my cape. No regrets, no hard feelings. I just can't continue because people at work are close to unmasking me and I could deal with that except that I couldn't bear for one co-worker in particular to laugh at me. Thanks for caring. I still love Metropolis and will fight predators."
--Terrifica, 11/18/02

NY Times (10/10), registration --This might be her Zod. Introducing Wing Women, a dating service in NYC where you can pay for a female escort to escort you to & females. I'm torn about this. I don't know any girls that would hit on the Olsen Twins for me for $150. Then again, I don't know any guys that would hang out with me if I paid for this.

NY Post (10/8) --And this one I'm not torn about. Putting your number in a Crate and Barrel catalog and taking a three-month cross-country trip to meet the people that call you up just might be the worst idea I've ever heard. I'm sorry, but this guy is either ending up in a crate or a barrel.

KNEEEEEL BEFORE ZOD!

(C'mon, I just made a homicide joke. I needed to lighten the mood somehow. A quick tangent: my brother was in line at an information booth in Heathrow last summer and who was ahead of him but the good general himself, Terence Stamp. My brother will normally talk to anybody, but he said the look in Zod's eyes was way too intense for small talk, that Zod seemed about two seconds away from blasting red gamma rays out of his eyes. Let's just hope his bags weren't missing.)

Back to the links ...

eBay -- Just in time for the ALCS: a "very rare" Ruth-to-the-Yankees bill of sale. Very rare? How many are there? Two? Four? Good to know this one hasn't changed in the 11 years since the owner used it as a coffee coaster. Are we absolutely sure John Henry Williams is gone?

CLASSIC LINK OF THE DAY:
Susquehanna (Pa.) Daily Item (6/21/2003) --Now I know why my $1,250 offer to hang with Jose was declined: It was an auction that somebody already won. Still, I swear that you could just add a day to a shopping cart like a pair of underwear. Then again, if I knew that I'd be getting a phone call from a posse member when Jose violated probation, I might have just paid the full amount.


MONDAY
Newsday (10/9) -- If I were embarrassed about being portrayed as a stoner in "Dazed and Confused," suing the director 11 years after the fact is not how I'd avoid attention. I think moving across the town line might take care of it.

Boston Herald (10/9) -- A report on John Kerry's baffling Red Sox reference during Friday's debate, which made Ted "Mike McGwire" Kennedy look like Terence Mann. Maybe he was trying to appeal to the Cardinals fans in Missouri, but in my apartment, it was no laughing matter. Pretty much the direct opposite of "I own a timber company ... " which, as bad pick-up lines go, is a first-ballot hall-of-famer.

Reality TV World (10/8) -- Sorry for the false hope. As it turns out "Last Comic Standing 3" wasn't canceled. It'll just be taped and put on the shelf with the understanding that it'll eventually see the light of day. So basically, like Jenna Lewis' wedding video ... but less funny.

Daily Nebraskan (10/8) -- Tommy Lee is filming a reality show at the University of Nebraska, so a good first step was dropping hundreds of bucks on books he won't read. I hope there's a scene in the season finale of him trying to sell them back and getting turned down because the authors added a few paragraphs and called it a new edition. My favorite part by far: the bookstore clerk saying that Lee's controversial lifestyle is exaggerated. Let's put it this way: nobody drowned at my graduation party.

LINK OF THE DAY:
Lyrics on Demand -- Consider this a sincere apology to Simmons and the half-thousand of you who wrote in about the absurd "Boy Named Sioux" "correction" from the Thursday's B.S. Exposed. If it makes you feel any better: 1) Knowing my friends, I'm pretty confident this song will resurface at some inconvenient time (my wedding, funeral, etc.); and 2) Not only do I have to worry about making it to the afterlife, I now have to worry about being beaten severely by Johnny Cash. I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named The Intern.

***If you have a suggestion for "The Links," mail it to sgweeklylinks@gmail.com.***




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LINKS OF THE DAY