By The Intern
Page 2

IMDB.com -- Without further ado, the hotel alias to end all others: "Kinky Finkelstein"

Yahoo! News (12/9) -- A Canadian journal with a health study of Tintin, the Belgian comic book character who's been knocked out more times than Steve Young. Statural growth, delayed onset of puberty ... lack of libido. Maybe he's just a Mormon.

Washington Post (12/7), registration -- A must-read follow-up on the "Dazed and Confused" lawsuit guys, who seem a lot more empathetic out of the grip of the AP. "Slater pauses for a second, then smiles. 'I don't sit around the house making bongs." These guys just seem like they want an apology. Their lawyers, on the other hand ...

The State (12/8) -- Which brings me to my roommate Conrad, who in between studying for finals tried to defend what some South Carolina players did after being told they weren't going to a bowl. "Maybe they were seniors?" Seniors who wanted to put on a production of the Les Miserables in their backyard? I'm going to hate Conrad in about 15 years.

LINK OF THE DAY:
Philadelphia Magazine -- Three thousand words on Stephen A. Smith, who is, here we go, "CONSCIOUSLY EVERY BIT THE MALCOLM X OF SPORTS ANALYSIS." "What I'm saying is, we got a whole bunch of mild-mannered people out here. You don't listen to them until you hear somebody like me. Then after you hear me, you'd rather hear them." You know, I think that's the first time I've ever completely agreed with him.

E-Mails of the Week, Chris Herren Edition:
From Jimmie Nixon: "Funny that you had links to Chris Herren, ODB, and Larry Harrison on Thursday. A couple of years ago, the Fresno Bee ran a picture on their front page of the sports section of Herren in action during a game. The problem was he wasn't wearing underwear and his "baggies" were showing, and not the kind that hold crack either."

From Patrick Mauretti: "Ah, Fall River, my city, my running joke. Not only did I graduate from Durfee High (Fall River's high school where Herren went to), but I even got his autograph! Man, I don't know how I'm going to spend my riches when I sell that baby on the open market. If Chris keeps it up, I may be able to sell it for enough money to buy ... a cup of coffee at Dunkin' Donuts! Thanks for putting Fall River on the front page of Sports Guy's site, made my day. Watch out Emeril, George Stephanopoulos and Lizzie Borden. Here comes Chris Herren, Fall River's new famous person!"

From Chris Martin: "That story about Chris Herren is pretty funny. Funny because my parents live right around the corner from this Dunkin' Donuts and, as it turns out, right around the corner from Chris in Portsmouth, R.I. They published his address in an article in the ProJo, and it turns out that it's two streets over. I had to read "Fall River Dreams" in high school. To its credit, it was a great book, and it made everyone I knew a fan of Chris. We were always checking out, seeing how he was doing in college, the pros. Kind of excited to see him go to the Celts. Hmm ... I wonder if it's still required reading. But why was he living in Portsmouth? Trying to get away from the hustle and bustle of Fall River ("The Reev")? I mean, I don't know if you've ever been to The Reev, but you can see it across the river from Portsmouth. Gotta get farther away than that."

Name Withheld; Boston: "I don't know where you are originally from, but I grew up in Fall River and it is amazing how much that city adores Chris Herren. This whole Dunkin' Donuts thing is like O.J. in the Bronco to them. People there want to know what is happening about it at all times. Example: I moved out of Fall River six years ago and my sister, still living at home, called me as soon as this was published as if it happened to our own mother. It's probably best that I was left off this. I say this because reporting the demise of a Fall River Icon to a popular web site would probably make me Fall River's John McKenty of the upcoming Christmas break, at least to the people there who can read."

And finally, in place of a fifth email, here's a one-time Picture of the Week from Mia Hamm's sendoff. Like my old censorship professor Chuck Stone used to say about obscenity ... you'll know it when you see it.


THURSDAY
Detroit Free Press (12/8) -- Numbers four and five for the All-Athlete Arrest Daily Links. First, Mike Tyson recreates Michael Jackson's "Black or White" video in Arizona, paling in comparison to Ann Arbor, where for police, 15 times is the charm:

"Harrison, 20, appeared in 15th District Court wearing handcuffs, a yellow jersey and low-slung blue jeans without a belt. His attorney, Joe Simon, and his father, Larry Harrison, pulled Harrison's pants up to his waist several times during the arraignment."

That coulda been 16.

NY Post (12/8) -- Not to sound cold-hearted, but doesn't the ODB autopsy have serious "Jaws" potential? Besides what they actually found, I could imagine a befuddled coroner pulling out a license plate, a workboot, a Stevie Wonder CD, an oven mitt and a half dozen of those red Handi Snacks knives.

(And oh yeah, "Being a Confectionary Sugar Delivery Man isn't all it's cracked up to be." There's your stinkin' Chris Herren joke.)

NY Post (12/8) -- Quality stuff about the Nuggets' travel demands. If I had to use an alias at a hotel, my first thought would be Spencer Barnes. But since my entire livelihood's under an assumed named, anyway, I'd probably just cop out and go with Theo Intern.

Detroit Free Press (12/8) -- As Jack Handy wrote, "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." Especially when laughing at Mitch Albom in Motown would get you cracked with a tire iron.

LINK OF THE DAY:
The (U.K.) Times (12/9) -- A study on the effects of laptops on men may have provided a definitive answer to the "gift that keeps on giving" question from last week. Too late to add "lead blanket" to my Christmas list?


WEDNESDAY
Boston.com (12/7) -- A caustic thanks to Simmons for taking the "new meaning to a drive-thru" joke in an email subject line. On the bright side, I see Dunkin' Donuts is offering 20 percent off home coffee delivery, which Chris Herren will probably be needing now. Plus any news out of Rhode Island not involving Mo Vaughn is good.

KOMO News (12/6) -- Ten minutes later, an email comes about Chris Warren. You mean Chris Herren? Nope. Chris Warren. The guy you wish the Pats had when they had Marion Butts. Looks like he's finally leading the pack in something.

Rocky Mountain News (12/7) -- For $20 million, you can make a movie with Julia Roberts. For 19 million, you can make a move with Jill Russell. The choice is yours, and unless you're Denny Neagle, it's clear ...

(You forget Julia and go with Nicole Kidman for $15 million, buy the surfing resort in Zihuatanejo with the $2.5 million -- Tuesday's Link of the Day -- and have $2.5 million left. Not even Andy Dick could screw that up.)

Las Vegas Review Journal (12/4) -- Slapped single in the seventh. There goes the All-Arrested Athletes Daily Links. Some other time. Throw in "Vegas" and "Baby", and it looks like George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words are up to nine. The last line kills me. For someone who takes a stand on napalm and Silly Putty, you'd think he would move his act to Reno.

LINK OF THE DAY:
NY Post (12/7) -- Everyone's got problems. I'm out of lunchmeat. This person's friend supposedly found Lindsay Lohan's handbag. Says a reader in New York, "Lohan's publicist is freaking out, calling my friend every two hours, threatening lawsuits and stuff. Someone got her number and every tabloid is calling her. She has no idea what to do." Pro bono work, anyone?


TUESDAY
Houston Chronicle -- "Nowhere will you be asked to pass judgment on whether it is OK to have children out of wedlock," said one of Calvin Murphy's attorneys, shaving about $50,000 off Texas' potential power bill.

Sonny McLeans.com -- Turns out I missed the best part of the Sox' trophy pictures. Yet another reason to like Cuba Gooding Jr. (And, hey, why not? Another reason to dislike Kevin Connolly. Happy Holidays.)

Football Outsiders.com -- A cool statistical analysis of the NFL based on value-per-play. Aaron Schatz, who compiles his QB rankings each week for Page 2's Snap Judgment, has his explanation in The NY Times for free until Wednesday. Basically, the difference between Tom Brady and Peyton Manning at this point is about 10 times the difference between Brady and Trent Green. That sums it up.

Band Aid 20.com -- Never heard the original, and thanks to Dizzee Rascal hijacking the promo, won't be buying the new one. And the cover? It looks like "Dookie" with reindeer. A play on "Nevermind" with a butt-naked Yukon Cornelius would have worked better.

Yahoo! Sports -- Like the Eagles, the Fanball notes guys hit their stride Sunday. If you liked "Giants' Hand Pulls Groin," have a look at Marc Bulger's Dec. 5 note.

Reel Clothes.com -- Perhaps the all-time great Secret Santa gift, especially if you've got Simmons. How much would it cost to get George Wendt to deliver this thing? Another hundred?

NY Post (12/3) -- The writing was on the wall for this when John McEnroe guested on "The Apprentice" without being introduced as "my friend who hosts an amazingly successful CNBC show." Oddly enough, The Wall Street Journal reported that Donny Deutch could take over. You'll remember him as the guy on the show who hated the police state ad campaign, but had to be nice about it.

FOX Sports (12/3) -- Reader David Isaacson said it best: "This is billed as a piece by Mike Ditka on respecting the game of football, and then it turns to heart attacks, erectile dysfunction, and his march to Washington. This whole article was just bizaare reading."

CLASSIC LINK OF THE DAY:
Craig's List -- "You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific? They say it has no memory. That's where I'd like to finish out my life, Red ... Open a little hotel right on the beach. Buy some worthless old boat and fix it up like new. Take my guests out charter fishing."


MONDAY

  • The Intern reviews It's Karate, Kid! The Musical!

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