After laboring through my 27th restart of getting back into a workout routine, I feel qualified to write on the incredible lameness that occurs daily at any given gym. Without further ado, I present:
The Top Ten Lame Workout Habits:
10. Gloves -- God forbid you don't get just the right traction on that last pull-up.
9. Dramatically leaning on equipment while making small-talk -- quit posing and just cross your arms like the rest of us. You are not shooting a commercial.
8. Lunges -- I'm talking about the type where someone walks in a straight line by lowering one knee to the ground on each step, always done through the most crowded area possible. However, this is exceptionally cool if there are dueling lungers, solely because it then looks like a strange mating ritual.
7. Warming up with jumping jacks -- I've never actually seen this, but if I did, I'd have to call "lame."
6. Loud grunting -- unless you just broke a world record of some kind, the other side of the gym doesn't need to know about how hard that last rep was.
5. Push-ups in between sets -- I don't workout so that I can feel lazy.
4. Wristbands -- headbands are always awesome, wristbands are always lame. This is a fact of life.
3. Stretching -- lame.
2. Use of cell phones -- whenever you see people talking on their cell phone while working out, rest assured you will hear the sound of insincere laughter. I cannot rationally discuss this phenomenon.
1. Keeping a "workout journal" -- makes me picture the Kobe Bryant commercial where he pensively writes in his diary. Unspeakably lame.
seattletimes.nwsource.com -- Shawn Kemp is on the comeback trail. Although this is exceedingly long, it's worth it just to read Kemp proclaim, "I sit back today, and I look at TV, and I see how they talk about Karl Malone, I see how they talk about Charles Barkley. And I know the look in those guys' eyes when they used to walk out on the court to guard me. To see the fear in those guys' eyes because they knew what they had to deal with.'' And he's right. As sick as Amare Stoudemire is, he's got nothing on '96 Finals Shawn Kemp.
imdb.com -- Jenny Finch and Danica Patrick -- two reasonably attractive women who apparently bring out the worst in each other. Jenny looks like a 9 foot tall giantess posing next to a munchkin.
sandealessicasting.com (Mark F.) -- Here's an open casting call for Pirates of the Caribbean III. If you ever find yourself excitedly responding to ads for "extreme characters and hideously unattractive types," it's time to start reexamining things.
nostalgiacentral.com (Mike S.) -- 40 things that only happen in movies. Personal favorite -- "All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags." Possibly the most astute observation ever. Also, don't miss "Stallone's Law" at #29.
wired.com (Adam B.) -- Ladies and gentlemen, computer programming meets battle rap. There is officially nothing left for this world to throw at me.
boardsmag.com -- Just in case you've been living under a rock and missed it, or even if you've seen this commercial a million times already, the young Tiger at the British Open spot warrants a link. Off the top of my head, this is now my second favorite Nike commercial ever. Number one is still right after Jordan retired for the second time, when Nike ran the ad that chronicled Jordan's life through images only, starting with his last-second shot over Bryan Russell and rewinding to a class picture of Jordan as a little kid. I saw it for the first time late one night in college, and, aided by the amount of alcohol in my system, may or may not have had the "Ray Kinsella playing catch with his Dad" reaction to it. And now I've said too much.