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flashnews.com -- Responding to supernatural voices, man builds twenty-five acre corn maze to commemorate the Chicago Bears 1985 Super Bowl win. A crazed Jim McMahon keeps wandering onto the property and rambling on about getting a touch-football game together, and how doing so will reunite said man with his father. Restraining order is pending.

yahoo.com -- Here's the scoop on a seventeen-year-old video game virtuoso ... who's blind. One of his intimidation techniques is to turn his back to the screen while playing an opponent. Even better would be if he pretended that he could see, then halfway through whispered to his opponent, "I know something you don't know. I am not left-handed." If he turned around THEN, it would be possibly the greatest trash-talk move of all-time.

squeallikeapig.com (Joe C.) -- You might remember actor Bill McKinney as the backwoods rapist from "Deliverance" who did wonders for my home state's image. Judging by the name of his website, he has no qualms with this legacy. But as fate would have it, he's also a Sinatra-esque crooner (click on the "music" tab). That's right, it doesn't get much more surreal than listening to classic sounds from the man who made "squeal like a pig" famous. And while we're on celebrity albums, here's the Daily Peterman (contactmusic.com). You're crazy if you don't think I'm buying this.

radioactiveman.com (Shaun T.) -- Like my inability to throw a tight spiral (quite simply my greatest athletic failure), my minimal "Simpsons" knowledge is rather embarrassing. But for those of you out there with some game, here's a solid online quiz.

mcsweeneys.net (Ariel in Somerville, MA) -- As soon as I read the title of this piece, I was already cutting and pasting it into The Links. It was love at first sight. In fact, I might be getting carried away here, but I would argue that, in his own special way, Chuck Norris is the funniest man in the universe. Want proof? Here you go (milkandcookies.com -- be patient, it's worth it).


WEDNESDAY
In what I hope becomes the first of many, I present:

Constructive Criticism of the Week

This one comes courtesy of David S.:

"I know you try hard, but you suck.

PS -- At least there is law school to fall back on, but the way you present your positions, I doubt you would be a very good lawyer."

Vicious, vicious stuff. Now, if you will kindly allow me to retort:

1. First of all, you're so wrong -- I don't try AT ALL. In fact, I don't even write The Links most days; I have a team of ghostwriters for that. Hell, I'm not even writing this.

2. I cannot improve if you don't point out where I went wrong. Teach me.

3. I'll have you know that I would make a GREAT lawyer. I was watching a "Law & Order" rerun just the other day, and I remember looking over at Ernie, Kenny, and Chuck (bobbleheads) and saying, "He's making a huge mistake putting her on the stand. Watch this, he's gonna lose." So what happens? Stupid DA puts crazy witness on the stand and loses. I had seen the episode before, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I would have won that case.

Continued...


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