By The Intern
Page 2

dailybruin.ucla.edu (Scott F.) -- Follow-up on Matt Bruno, who, despite his troubles, I'm declaring as the Official White Sprinter of SGW. At the very least, he's got tremendous Bill Brasky potential. "Matt Bruno once traveled to the Serengeti for a footrace against a cheetah, and won easily. He ran in combat boots."

ebay.com (Matt W. in Fayeteville, AR) -- A strange eBay auction for Gary Payton's barely driven Bentley. If truly reflective, the Bentley will be unable to accelerate past 60, yet will still boast the loudest horn on the road and have a rather pronounced jaw.

wtvm.com -- "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" (Iron Bowl version).

starpulse.com -- In a solid move, Nelly and Jermaine Dupri balanced out the karma from a 10K strip club binge by personally delivering 10K in toys to underprivileged children. Not surprisingly, this is how most historic humanitarians got their start. Like Gandhi.

talentbookingusa.com (Keith G.) -- Let it go, brother. "Roadhouse" Swayze isn't walking through that door, and if he did, he'd probably be disheveled and drunk ...

yahoo.com -- Because of the lengthy buildup, Oprah's upcoming appearance on Letterman should make pretty good television. But there's one way this could go down as an all-timer. What if, and just bear with me here, something inexplicably sinister goes off in Letterman upon seeing Oprah, causing him to haphazardly ditch the script at the last second? Imagine Oprah's surprise if, after years of trying to bury the hatchet between the two, Letterman enthusiastically welcomes her to the show, graciously sits her down, and then ... just starts ruthlessly going into his Greatest Hits of Oprah jokes. Nothing but the absolute most cringe-worthy stuff he's ever said about her. Then he gives her a gap-toothed smile and signals for security to drag the speechless Oprah off-stage. It would be the meanest, funniest thing to hit the airwaves in years. Then again, Oprah would probably have him killed within the hour.


MONDAY
With less than two minutes to go, the Falcons driving towards Buccaneers' territory, and a critical win against a hated division rival looking imminent, I started thinking about how Sunday's game symbolized the Falcons entire season -- another win by unconventional but effective measures, continued ammo for the Vick haters (an ugly first half marked by badly overthrown passes), continued ammo for the Vick worshipers (a phenomenal second-half turnaround marked by clutch, efficient passing), big plays in big moments (11 for 17 on 3rd down), and a relentless running attack. I was all but ready to rant on how national experts continue to underestimate a very dangerous Falcons team, one that is quietly co-leading the ultra-competitive NFC South with an impressive 7-3 record and gearing to make a title run ...

And then a freak collision between Warrick Dunn's helmet and a back-pedaling Vick ruined everything.

I feel like Goose just died.

Talentbookingusa.com (Dave in Toronto) -- Joe Avezzano, the man who redefined the Crazy Special Teams Coach (while in Dallas a few years back), is available for motivational speeches. Joe can be reached anytime at his van down by the river.

mmaweekly.com (Scott S.) -- Potential UFC celebrity match between Joe Rogan and Wesley Snipes (both of whom are accomplished martial artists). When I mentioned this to a friend over the weekend, we both immediately reverted to 7 year-olds discussing our favorite action heroes. "Aww, Wesley Snipes would DESTROY him!" "NO WAY! Joe Rogan is JACKED!" It was rather sad. In fact, forget you read that.

muskogeephoenix -- Man signs up for "Wife Swap," excitedly answers door expecting Catherine Zeta Jones, instead greeted by Richard Simmons (or so I imagine). Lawsuit ensues.

slate.com -- There's something surreal about an in-depth social critique of "Beavis and Butthead." It helps if you read this in your best Jim Huber voice.

dyestat.com (Brian in Studio City, CA) -- Matt Bruno: The Great White Hope. I bet Reggie Bush obsesses over this race, cursing at that photo every morning before making the daily phone call:

Reggie: "Bruno, I know you're there! You can't ignore me forever! It's time you man up and give me another race, dammit!"

Matt: (readjusting the framed photo) "I choose not to run."

Oh, one final thing. It seems that there was some territorial controversy surrounding The Official Cheerleader of SGW. Unwilling to claim sloppy seconds, we are summarily dropping Renee without a second thought ... cuz that's just how we roll. A new Official Cheerleader is in the works ...

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