nydailynews.com -- Ozzie Guillen calls A-Rod a phony McPurpleface, rags on Nomar's Spring Break travels.
pittsburghlive.com -- Duce changes his story, apparently unsure whether it was $50K or $100K in stolen jewelry. Then he belly-flopped into his vault of gold.
chron.com -- Lost amid his standard responses, David Stern randomly slips in, "I just dragged my tired thing back so I could start working on the merger agreement." I don't know about you, but I wish Stern always referred to his money-maker as if he were a mildly attractive, middle-aged divorcee. It's high time he took the sex-symbol status and ran with it.
tedferguson.com ( J.J.; SOUND) -- "Put THAT in my review!"
yahoo.com -- That's the sound of "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge," "Iron Chef," and late night Skinemax high-fiving each other over the expanded Nielson ratings.
stanford.edu (Chris Q. in Atlanta) -- Stanford Tree mascot shows up drunk, gets indefinitely suspended by chest-thumping Band manager, claims it's the "closest she'll ever come to being a rock star." Just another day in the wild life and times of the Cardinal.
eonline.com (Brad G. in San Diego) -- It's not just a "Friday the 13th" prequel -- it's also a Michael Bay joint. And although you can't see it, I'm giving this choice a standing ovation. The thought of a glistening Jason Voorhees power-walking through random explosions in cheesy slow-mo is almost too good to be true.
pittsburghlive.com -- Duce Staley had $100K in jewelry stolen from him while standing outside a strip club, explains that emeralds are the new singles.
pitchforkmedia.com (Ian) -- Rapper Cam'ron plans to wipe out internet pedophilia, release a DVD documenting his heroics. Kind of like a thugged-out Michael Moore.
hawkcentral.com -- Turns out that Brad Lohaus (see yesterday's links) is a tricky one -- he'll take your auction money and run. Maybe we can stick Cam'ron on him.
nike.com (Patrick H.) -- This cool Jordan commercial requires a little bit of work to view (click on the icon between the shoes, then the upper-left-square, then "watch"). I don't know, maybe it's a tad cheesy, but I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff.
yahoo.com -- Willie Nelson's new single gives him a stranglehold on the lucrative gay-cowboy-country-music genre. As one lyric presumptuously puts it, "Inside every cowboy there's a lady who'd love to slip out." I bet about 3,000 cowboys just spit up coffee all over their laptops.
So I'm finishing up my Joe Johnson picture collage last night (Valentine's Day), debating whether that's "creepy," when I look up to find the Olympic announcers all in a tizzy over a Chinese figure skating couple (something involving made-up words and the phrase "first ever"). Intrigued, I watch in amazement as this 5 foot, 27 pound girl gets tossed about 45 feet in the air, spinning like a top, before violently crashing down, leg grotesquely splayed to the side as her knee thuds against the ice. In other words, the never-before-completed move stayed that way.
As I sat there imagining which of my friends would cry in that situation, the couple suddenly decides to gut out the rest of their set, improbably securing the silver along the way. Even the ceaseless cooing from the announcers (statements like "She's not feeling a thing right now!" while presumably hugging each other in joy) couldn't ruin the moment.
That 20 year-old girl with the swollen knee is everything Vince Carter isn't.
businesswire.com -- T.O. gets his own workout show, begins plotting media feud with Body by Jake.
atomicsportsmedia.com (Harry C.) -- Open Valentine's Day letter to Arcade NBA Jam. Look, I'll link to anything that gets me nostalgic for Brad Lohaus.
nypost.com -- The low-down on Real World: Key West cast members coping with Katrina. And if you scroll to the bottom, note that current Real World filming is taking place in ... Detroit. I don't get it. Is Atlanta invisible? Why not just go with an abandoned barn in rural Montana? You know, really mess with my head.
stuartscott.edu -- As Andy M. writes, "Everyday they stand to sing 'O Canada' followed by a rousing 'BOO-YAH."
askmen.com -- Quick look at the lovable Bobby Knight. If the world were right, each of these clips would end with Knight receiving a pie to the face. What a clown.
On Saturday night, I was approached by two guys who recognized me as The Intern, presumably based entirely on a grainy headshot from almost 10 months ago. That alone amazes me.
More amazing, however, was the conversation that followed. After congratulating me on the gig and making general small talk, they suddenly decided to let me in on their original catchphrase for future Hawks buzz (both were surprisingly optimistic about the need for such a phrase). This led to the following exchange (I'm paraphrasing):
Guy #1 (quite proudly) -- "Okay. We're calling it ... Bird Flu."
Me -- "Bird Flu?"
Guy #2 (confidently nodding) -- "Bird Flu."
Me (drunk, by the way) -- "That's just ... Wait! That's genius!"
Guy #1 -- "I know. You should write about this. But make sure to credit us. This is ours."
Me -- "I absolutely will. But I don't know your names."
Guy #2 -- "Lee and Daniel. That's us."
Me -- "Right."
And so I have, for I am a man of my word (even if I had to be reminded of it by a friend who was so amused by the exchange that he actually wrote down their names on his hand). So let it be known that if referring to Hawks buzz as a deadly intercontinental virus ever catches on, all credit goes to Lee and Daniel. Stand tall.
suntimes.com -- Generic reaction -- "Hello officer, what seems to be the problem here?" Bears DT Tank Johnson's reaction -- "You ain't the only one with a glock." Surprisingly, things escalated.
putfile.com (Chris in Atherton, CA; SOUND) -- Phenomenally dumb 'Zona basketball video featuring Sean Elliot, Kenny Lofton, Steve Kerr, and Tom Tolbert, among others. It's also further proof that Lute Olsen is the real life version of the anti-aging Dr. Lester from "Being John Malkovich." They even look the same.
suntimes.com (Michael C.) -- Former Cubs announcer Milo Hamilton comes out firing at the legacy of Harry Caray, going so far as to call him "a miserable human being." It's a love story of sorts.
timeoutny.com -- Amid the show's cancellation, "Arrested Development" cast members reminisce on their favorite episodes. And now I will blow up my television.
nypost.com -- The actual club where "The Sopranos" Bada Bing is set was recently busted for illegal mob activity. It's like Irony's not even trying.
yahoo.com (Adam F.) -- Scott Stapp gets married, arrested on way to honeymoon. Although the charge was public intoxication, I choose to believe the arresting officer told him it was "for being born."