By The Intern
Page 2

I might be a little late on this, but while watching "SportsCenter" on Tuesday morning, I saw that even Andrew Bogut has started wearing the tights -- which, for some reason, completely set me off. It was cute when Kobe broke them out, in a "freakishly talented sociopath being weird again" kind of way. Then Wade, Michael Redd and a host of others jumped on board, and next thing you know, half the league looks like a Shakespearean community theatre group.

Supposedly, the tights increase the blood flow in your legs. Whatever. All I know is that watching the tights gain steam while the high-top fade inexplicably remains out of style is insanely frustrating. I'm probably going to deck the next person who makes eye contact with me. Hopefully he'll be a little guy. (David N.) -- Former Iowa State star and current NBDL player Marcus Fizer teaches us about the three B's -- Basketball, Bible and Babies. I'm actually being dead serious. -- Says Steve in San Francisco, "Thought it would be one thing. Wound up another." (Anna C. in Atlanta) -- Bill Belichick gave a locker room speech to friend Billy Donovan's Gators. According to junior Chris Richard, "If anyone was on Cloud Nine, he brought them down," which I find hard to believe. I'd have thought he would have dressed up like a clown and done magic tricks. -- Chefgate takes a wild turn as the conspiracy theories start to take form. No matter what your stance is on Scientology, you have to respect its game -- life would be boring without great villains. (Chad I.) -- Carlos Boozer, Prince and hilarious purple karma.

As my time here comes to an end, I can't help but get a tad melancholy. I cry more, no longer shave, and go through most conversations with a faraway look in my eyes, even if I'm just ordering a cheeseburger. Point being, I should probably take a moment to thank those who made my time here so enjoyable.

But not today.

No, today I'm doing the exact opposite -- I'm listing those who should be thanking me. So, without further ado, the People Who Should Thank Me:

Scott Stapp: Though it was driven entirely by unadulterated hate, I helped bring you back into the public eye by linking to any and every embarrassing moment you provided this year. And boy did you take advantage -- if public idiocy were golf, you would have been Tiger in 2000. At the very least, you owe me a beer, though I'd prefer you didn't talk to me while I drink it.

Sarah P. in Switzerland: While busy avoiding the real world, you consistently badgered me to get your name in The Links, usually with an enraged e-mail any time I mentioned a friend that wasn't you. But to exploit this page for personal favors would be like point shaving. I would never do that. Until today.

Simmons: Sure, you blew up long before I came on board, and, outside of my mom, I doubt anyone ever read you as an afterthought to my links. But I'd still like to believe that, in a small, roundabout way, you owe your entire career to me.

ESPN: Let's be honest, I've been the company cash cow since Day 1. Without my Daily Links and four Pulitzer-worthy columns, this site would have gone under in August. Unfortunately, you're ineligible for this list on account of not actually being a person.

I could go on all day, but I think those four will suffice. Just remember that, in addition to keeping you abreast of important world news, I also changed lives. -- "Rock Star" returns, this time featuring Tommy Lee in a soulless "supergroup" searching for a lead singer. The made-for-TV band is calling itself Supernova, which, in addition to stretching the boundaries of generic-lame, is already claimed by an early '90s punk trio (best known for the ridiculously awesome song "Chewbacca" in "Clerks"). Here's to an ugly legal battle. -- Could Darko still turn out to be nasty? It's possible. I particularly liked that he explained his increased shot blocking by observing, "It's just something that comes natural to me." Much funnier if you picture him yawning in a recliner while thumbing through "US Weekly." -- Blazers coach Nate McMillan discusses Martell Webster, motivating players, and the burden of policing practices with taser guns. Or at least he discusses two of those. (Guy H.) -- $6,000 eBay auction for every Sports Illustrated issue ever released. Go ahead, splurge. You didn't want to pay your next 10 months of rent anyway. -- Scientology is now openly baiting "South Park," which has me downright giddy. Make no mistake; Trey Parker and Matt Stone were put on Earth for this exact moment. I bet they're putting on blue war paint and head-butting each other as we speak.

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