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POSTED Aug. 20, 3:50 p.m., ET
Quick note: Due to a typographical error on my end, "He Got Game" was marked as the No. 49 movie in the original posting of today's review. It was supposed to be No. 40. Anyway, we made that change this afternoon, if you're wondering why it jumped nine spots.
Here's this week's edition of "What's My Beef" ...
When I tried to rent "He Got Game" on Wednesday morning, my video store had 530 copies of "Kill Bill 2" and not a single copy of "Game." Go figure. I decided just to buy the damned thing. So I drove over to the nearest Giant Electronics Chain in my neighborhood (we'll call it the G.E.C. for the purposes of this column). Instead of dealing with the underground parking garage, I illegally parked right in front of the store on La Brea. After all, I was only going to be one minute. I had cash on me and I knew exactly where the DVD section was.
So I parked my car, put my hazards on, jogged inside, headed over to the DVD section -- conveniently located right in the front of the store -- found the "Drama" department and grabbed a copy of "Game." Eleven bucks. Perfect. This took maybe 20 seconds total. Since I was illegally parked, I forsook any additional browsing and headed right to the cash registers.
Now ...
Maybe all G.E.C.s don't work like this; but at this particular one, the cash registers are located in the left corner of the store, right near the front entrance. Instead of allowing patrons to walk right up to an open register -- like in most other chains -- you have to navigate this Overlook Hotel-like maze in which you walk past the cash registers, walk through one of those roped-off, guided lines like they have at airport security, then walk another 30 feet (even though you're basically doing a 180-degree turn) just to wait at the beginning of the "People who want to pay" line.
After I successfully navigated this thing -- almost like a men's gymnastics event -- I found myself eighth in a line of frustrated people waiting to pay for their purchases. Of course, they had eight registers and two people working them. That's a G.E.C. specialty. You can't walk eight feet without having some bozo asking you, "Are you all set, do you need any help?" But when it's time to pay for something, they vanish into thin air. It's like waiting in line at the post office -- nobody give a crap about you. Just feel lucky to have the chance to buy something, I guess.
So we're waiting, and we're waiting ...
And people are huffing, and groaning things like "This is unbelievable," and shooting frustrated looks at one another ...
And we're waiting ...
Out of sheer boredom, I glanced around and noticed a shelf of DVDs right in front of me. One of those "Bargains for under $10 bucks!" shelves. Always dangerous for me. Fortunately, they didn't have anything I wanted.
And that's when it hit me.
In this Overlook Hotel-like maze, as we waited in a line of eight people for two open cash registers in a store that employs roughly 75 people, there were shelves filled with DVDs, magazines, CDs, video equipment, candy, you name it. You couldn't walk two feet without the ability to reach out and buy at least 20 different things. In other words, there was at least a 90 percent that these bastards intentionally trapped us in this "Buy Things Out of Sheer Boredom!" maze, then intentionally assigned just two people to the cash registers in the hope we would be dumb enough to make an extra purchase. And if they had a decent DVD on that shelf, they probably would have roped me into their evil ploy.
How scummy is that? Seriously, how scummy is that?
By the time I finally reached the front of the line, a good eight minutes had passed. I'm not kidding. Eight minutes. In a store with 75 employees and 8 patrons, it took me eight minutes to make a cash purchase. I handed over my $13 bucks -- forgot to mention, I bought some gum, which never would have happened if I hadn't been waiting that long -- took back 11 cents in change and sprinted out of the store ...
Just in time to see somebody finishing up my parking ticket.
"Stop!"
"Sorry, sir, it's too late."
"But I was trapped in (the G.E.C.)! They only had two people working the cash register!"
"Sorry, sir, you're parked in an illegal zone."
"But I only bought one thing! Look, 'He Got Game'! $10.99!"
"Sir, I don't care. You can't park here."
"It wasn't my fault! It's (the G.E.C's) fault!"
At that point, he just shook his head and handed me the ticket. Thirty-nine bucks. And as the man started to walk away, I asked him one final question:
"Do you realize I just paid fifty-two f------ dollars for 'He Got Game'? I don't even like this movie."
The guy just shrugged. And we went our separate ways. Just another day in the life of an unsatisfied G.E.C. customer.
Anyway, that's my beef.
POSTED Aug. 16, 3 p.m., ET
Just three months ago, Ralph Wiley and I exchanged e-mails for an entire day, posting those e-mails as they happened on Page 2. Most readers seemed to enjoy the results, even though we were guilty of too many words and too much butt-kissing. More importantly, we enjoyed ourselves. We had a blast. So we examined the kinks, figured out what was wrong, then planned on repeating the concept every few weeks. What could be better than spending a workday exchanging e-mails with someone you liked?
Well, you know what happened next.
Now we're here. And I've just been staring at my computer screen for the past 10 minutes. In the first paragraph of this piece, the one you're reading right now, I had two words in front of the spot where Ralph's name is. You know, the two words that are supposed to go in front of his name now. And they were there for ten minutes, and my eyes welled up with tears, and that was that. I took them out. His name is four words now instead of two. Maybe I haven't accepted that yet.
Sometimes I feel like Ralph is still around. For instance, he's been popping up all summer on those ESPN25 shows. Every cameo manages to be delightful and sobering at the same time, although I never would have forgiven them for editing him out after the fact. On this weekend's "25 Biggest Chokes" show, he unleashed one of those Classic Ralph Soundbites about the '99 Vikings, singing his words almost like a Reverend:
"They were 15 and 1 ... (dramatic pause) ... and they shouldn't have lost the one."
It felt like seeing an old friend again. And the truth was, he wasn't really my friend. We were headed that way, but Ralph never affected my life as he affected so many others (like just about every relevant African-American sportswriter under the age of 45, for example). I didn't even understand what he was trying to accomplish with his Page 2 column until about a year ago, and then it all made sense. He just wanted to try something different. The guy wrote books, starred for S.I., hammered out screenplays ... this was a career. And that was before he came to Page 2. As his last big venture, he wanted to write a column different than anything else on the Internet. Sometimes he succeeded, sometimes he didn't. Even people who didn't like his column seemed to keep reading it, anyway. That's the sign of a memorable columnist. They haven't filled his void on Page 2, and I doubt they ever will. Even with the Nightmare Team this summer, the running debacle feels incomplete without Ralph's take.
Still, I liked when Ralph was just Ralph. And that's why I pitched the back-and-forth concept -- it forced Ralph to be himself. He couldn't hide behind the Road Dogg character and all the other gimmicks he was using, almost as a lark. I liked the guy with who sent me those goofy e-mails. I wanted to read more of him. I thought that guy had more to say. Maybe I'm an idealist, but I will always believe that the format would have -- eventually - brought the best out of Ralph. I guess we'll never know.
Anyway, once Ralph was gone, the back-and-forth concept went with him for awhile. On Tuesday afternoon, I'm bringing it back tomorrow with someone else -- not a permanent replacement, just a one-time deal with another person with whom I enjoy swapping e-mails from time to time (much like Ralph back in the day). I would tell you the person's name ... but that wouldn't be fun. You'll just have to wait.
For tomorrow, we post running e-mails on Page 2 starting at 10:30AM EST (the link will show up here on the Sports Guy's World page around the same time). Every 40-45 minutes from 10:30 to 6:30PM, we'll have a new post for you about the Nightmare Team, the Summer Olympics, 80's movies and God only knows what else. But I would have felt funny springing it on you without mentioning Ralph.
No, I didn't forget about him. Quite the opposite, actually.
So that's that. I'm turning the rest of Mini-Cowbell over to The Intern, who's launching the first edition of "BS Exposed." I'll let him explain.
BS Exposed, Vol. 1
by The Intern
One of my best friends fact-checks at ESPN: The Magazine. He's never had the pleasure of verifying Sports Guy copy, but he swears it's tougher than driving an ice cream truck in Najaf. Like he puts it, "Simmons will remember something that happened in the crowd at a random Celtics game in 1983. How the (expletive) do you possibly check that?"
There's no way they can, but that's where the readers come in. The following corrections came solely from you guys over the past few weeks. Well, except for the Pacino thing. A six-year-old Polish girl would have caught that. I considered various titles for this. The runner-up was "My God, I Hope I Never Run Into Tony Reali Now." But for brevity's sake, I think we can live with this one: B.S. Exposed. And just so you know, I'm writing this like I'm actually sending an e-mail to my boss with the corrections.
Here's this week's batch:
1. Dr. Loomis' quote "He's gone! He's gone from here! The evil is gone!" ("The Bell Tolls for Nomar," 8/2) was actually from "Halloween," not Part Two. For a movie with so little dialogue, I'd think you'd have a better handle on this. You're the same guy who e-mailed me this week to tell me that Daniel Santiago looked like Michael Myers when he took off his mask at the end of "Halloween 1."
2. Your 8/5 "Varsity Blues" review included this sentence: "You have Paul Walker, Amy Smart AND Ali Larter in breakout roles -- not exactly DeNiro, Caan and Duvall in 'The Godfather,' but still."
DeNiro? Ummm ...you mean Al Pacino? I'm assuming this was a brainfart since you've written ad nauseum, but still -- where were your editors here?
(Editor's Note: No, we were not asleep at the switch in Bristol. We saw that reference and tried to interpret what Bill was getting at (never an easy task, we tell ya). See, we remember that Robert DeNiro played Vito Corleone in "Godfather II," and we thought he was referencing that. Yeah, we know Pacino was the star, but we figured Bill was drawing a parallel to Pacino's supporting cast -- same as his analogy to Dawson's supporting cast of Walker, Smart and Larter.)
As reader Morris Bird put it, "I will now scrape my nose to a nub using a cheese grater."
3. Same column: Scott Caan was described as "5-foot-5, soaking wet." Outside the magical land of Oz, water doesn't have too much to do with height.
4. The Bernard-Isiah Shootout ("More Golden Oldies," 8/9) was played at Joe Louis Arena, not the Silverdome. The Silverdome had a leak in the roof, so the game had to be moved.
5. In Part Two of the Fe-mail Bag (7/30), you named both Helen Slater and Tom Cruise's girlfriend in "Rain Man" to the Lacey Underall All-Stars for "Hot Chicks From the '80s Who Burst On the Scene, Won Everyone Over and Were Never Seen Again."
Well, Valeria Golino was Charlie Sheen's love interest is in both Hot Shots! movies, and Helen Slater played Bonnie in "City Slickers." How could you forget someone who spawned the line: "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?" I'm using that some time.
6. In the Madden 2005 column from 8/11, when you were doing that riff on Peyton Manning, you compared a PS2 controller to a freshwater marlin ... but there's no such fish. They're only found in saltwater. A good bid though, Hemingway.
Beyond the corrections, there's been smoldering resentment in the mailbag about how difficult it is to find e-mail/contact information on the SGW page. People rant about this who don't otherwise have a rant. One reader even likened it to navigating One Eyed Willie's underworld. I heard a rumor three weeks ago of us getting a GMail account, which would allow me to delete Comcast Customer Support from my cell phone's speed dial. No big loss there. Anyway, what's the deal?
(Note from Simmons: "The old link on the SGW page was yielding 700-800 e-mails a day and the account kept filling up. We're working on alternative plans. Stay tuned.")
In addition, there have been a surprising, borderline disturbing number of people wondering if "Rad" will makes the "Top 72 Sports Movies of the Past 33 Years" list.
(Note from Simmons: "Not if I can help it.")
Speaking of the Top 72 movies, the e-mails keep pouring in about "Varsity Blues." Three that stood out ...
1. Reader Daniel Meehan points out, "How could you forget to mention Brian Robbins, the director of "Varsity Blues," also played the wisecracking rebel Eric in Mr. Moore's class on Head of the Class?"
2. According to reader Tyler Sheble, "Not to burst your bubble, but Dawson didn't throw any footballs during the movie. The production staff actually had to get Peter Gardere (former University of Texas quarterback from the early nineties, pre-Mackovic) to throw the balls, because Leary threw the ball too much like a girl."
3. UPenn reader Greg Slavin wonders, "Mox dreams of attending Brown on an academic scholarship. How is that possible? Brown, as an Ivy League institution, only offers need-based financial aid."
Actually, a few people pointed out that Ivys don't give athletic scholarships either. Then again, any guy who challenges his son to knock a beer can off his head with a football can't have too much money. So maybe Mox qualified.
Next week, we'll run your Remember the Titans corrections and more of Bill's screw-ups.
If you have a correction for Volume II, drop us a line at sgreaderrants@comcast.net.
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.
