Single page view By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Editor's Note: This article originally ran on August 30, 2001.

Please keep in mind, everything you're about to read came from actual e-mails sent in by readers over the past few weeks. If you would like to submit a question for the next edition of "Ask Sports Guy," click here and follow the instructions.

On to the e-mails ...

TMCCONVILLE WRITES: I wanted to add another "great sports music theme" from years past: NBC's theme from "Breakfast at Wimbeldon." Almost as fun as listening to Bud Collins panting during every single point between Chris Evert and Martina Navratilova. "Chrissie, 'Tina, Chrissie, 'Tina, CHRISSIE, 'TINA!!! LOB SHOT WINNER ... 'TINA!!!" Bud should've smoked a cigarette after each set.

Sports Guy: You're right. I mistakenly left the Wimbledon music off my list from last month, as well as the inexplicable omission of the original "Monday Night Football" music (which should have been grounds for my immediate firing).

As for Bud Collins, his orgasmic play-by-play calls were tremendous, but I enjoyed his post-match interviews even more. Was there ever anything funnier than Collins trying to say something cute in another language to the foreign players, like when he would babble in German to Steffi Graf and come up with phrases like, "Der freuilen forehand"? And how 'bout when Bud kicked off a post-Finals interview with a rambling monologue like this:

"For the last two weeks, this gutty kid from the streets of Las Vegas was rolling sevens in England. He took our breath away, he inspired us, he captured the hearts of British fans and he outlasted Patrick Rafter in a memorable five-set war that nearly made me wet myself twice. And now, at long last ...

"HERE'S YOUR CHAMPION!"

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TINBEAR86 ASKS: The Ian Woosnam 14-club rule debacle at the British Open got me to thinking about the turn of events on the 18th green at Bushwood. When Judge Smails asked Spalding for the Billy Barroo, could it be that with two putters in the bag, the Judge was carrying 15 clubs for the entire round? Did Ty, Al or Danny Noonan (Smails's caddy at the start of the round) ever do a club count?

Even if Judge Smails did have too many clubs in his bag, we should give him a break. He was having a very tough week.

If Smails were over the limit, then the match was over even without the controversial explosion-birdie putt going down, which, by the way, might have been hanging on the lip for too long to count as good, anyway. Thoughts?

Sports Guy: You forget, the Judge broke one of his clubs earlier in "Caddyshack" when he tossed it toward the restaurant and nearly impaled one of the other members, so I'll bet he was playing a club short, anyway. And even if the Judge was carrying 15 clubs, Danny couldn't have performed a club count, because Smails asked Danny to caddy for him seconds before the match kicked off.

We should give the Judge a break. In retrospect, that was a pretty tough week for him: He lost an illegal $80,000 match, his golf course blew up, his boat sank, he nearly killed an old lady, and he found out his beloved niece was a harlot. Yikes.

(Besides, Al Czervik was probably the one who bent the rules with his club count. Remember, his golf bag included a stereo, a quarter keg, a phone, a putter with an electronic tracking device, a contraption that enabled all the clubs to shoot up in the air at once and God knows what else. You're telling me he wasn't carrying more than 14 clubs?)

Continued...