Single page view By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Editor's note: This article originally ran on February 21, 2002.

Please keep in mind, everything you're about to read came from actual e-mails sent in by readers over the past few weeks. And as always, thanks to everyone who takes the time to send in an e-mail.

One more thing: Today's USA Today contains an interview with my main man Moochie Norris about... his hair! Are you kidding me? Here was my favorite quote: "I have so many varieties. I give you braids. I give you half in, half out. I give you flat-out Afro. I give you the ponytail. I got a new style I'm going to bring out next week. It's pretty wild for somebody out there playing basketball."

I'm not just asking for a "SportsCentury and Beyond: Moochie Norris" show, I'm demanding it. On to the e-mails...

If you could go back in time and pick three sporting events to attend, which ones would you pick? As an added kicker, let's say that when you sat in your seat, you didn't know the outcome. My three: 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team vs. Russia, Wilt's 100-point game and Lou Gehrig's "Luckiest Man Alive" speech. A distant fourth: Homer Simpson bowling a perfect game. -- Greg Sawicki, Clarksboro, N.J.

US Hockey 80
The "Miracle on Ice" combined the endings of "Hoosiers," "The Longest Yard" and "Rocky IV," then multiplied the dramatic effect by 100.

SG: I agree with you on the USA-USSR game from 1980; that's my first choice as well. That game was like combining the endings of "Hoosiers," "The Longest Yard" and "Rocky IV," then multiplying the dramatic effect by 100. Will it ever be topped? Probably not. The first Frazier-Ali fight would be No. 2, just for the historical significance and the vaunted "buzz" at MSG in the minutes leading up to the fight. And the Patriots beating the Rams in the Super Bowl would be No. 3. Oh, wait, I was there.

(Pumping my fist.)

In my fantasy football league, we have a friend who tries to get away without paying his dues (transactions fees, fines, etc.) each year. He was late again this year and still owes some money to our winner from two years ago. Somehow, we still let him in the league, mostly because we need a certain amount of guys. Do you have any interesting ideas on how to penalize him next year when we go into the draft? --Tony P., Boston

SG: First you have to determine if he's tardy on his fees because A.) he's just absent-minded, or B.) he's trying to get out of paying them because he's cheap (so he hopes the longer it drags on, the better the chance that people will forget that he owes money). If the answer is "A," keep sending him caustic e-mails ... eventually, he'll grow tired of you badgering him and remember to pay up. If the answer is "B," boot him out of the league and don't remain friends with him. Who wants to be friends with a scumbag? Guys have very few rules, but "Pay up when you owe somebody money" is one of them.

Just for the record, here are 10 more "Guy Rules" (if you stick by these, you're all set):

  1. Don't operate the remote control at someone else's house, unless they give it to you.

  2. Don't ask to borrow a porn movie under any circumstances.

  3. Don't even think about hooking up with a friend's ex-girlfriend or sister.

    Continued...


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