• When you're sharing a bed with another guy, sleep as far away from him as possible.

  • Don't use somebody's towel when you're using the same shower, unless there's absolutely no recourse.

  • Don't drink the last premium beer in someone's fridge, unless they give you the OK first.

  • Don't ask to borrow a DVD, unless it's someone you see at least two or three times a month.

  • Don't call to make fun of them after their sports team suffers a tough loss.

  • Don't let your friends keep buying rounds without stepping up to the plate yourself.

  • Don't order a seven-course breakfast when everyone else is eating bagels, then say "Let's just split the check evenly" when the bill comes.

    Which athlete would you say has the funniest UCR (Unintentional Comedy Rating)? Personally it doesn't get any better than the shoot-around interview with Dikembe Mutumbo. The interviewer will ask an extraordinarily long question and Mutumbo will answer a completely different question in broken english. Also, his voice is classic. Sounds like a muppet with a deep monotone voice; never heard anything like it on any other human. -- Brian Whalen, Pa.

    Ricky Henderson
    The unintentional comedy of Rickey Henderson simply cannot be topped.

    SG: What about Rickey Henderson? Bill Simmons can't believe you forgot about Rickey! Bill Simmons is incensed right now! Bill Simmons is beside himself!

    Other than Rickey, I would vote for Peja Stojakovic (the least dynamic interview in years); Moses Malone (for obvious reasons); Shaquille O'Neal (something about his monotone delivery always kills me); Brian Billick (more over-the-top than one of the villians from "Road House"); and everyone on the Clippers (Sunday night, 10 p.m., ESPN, just trust me). But nobody comes close to Rickey. Even Dikembe.

    I'm sitting there with the my car keys in my hand. My shoes are on, and I'm even pointed toward the door -- except for my head, which is still fixed toward the TV. No, I'm not waiting for halftime so I can leave ... instead I've trapped myself by turning on a movie which I cannot possiblystop watching and leave the house until my favorite scene comes up (in this case, in the flick "Heat," where Val Kilmer and Robert DeNiro fight their way out of a bank that's surrounded). Can you name another movie that prevents you from turning off the TV until that scene has come on ... even if it's two hours into the film and the rest of the film is junk? --Darren Sullivan, Fullerton, Calif.

    SG: Just for fun, I'm mixing this answer with the answer to another question I received recently: "What's the most embarrassing chick flick that you secretly enjoy watching, even if you would never admit it?"

    My answer: "The Bodyguard," indisputably one of the 15 or 20 worst big-budget movies of all-time. I mean, any movie that has Robert Wuhl playing himself as the host of an Oscars telecast is destined to bomb. What were they thinking? And it's just two hours of mindless, absorbing crap, with Costner mailing it in (he's wearing one of those "I can't believe Whitney Houston is so tough to work with" looks all movie), with the moronic plot, with the climactic scene at the Oscars, that was so farfetched that you can't even believe they filmed it.

    Continued...


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