Single page view By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Editor's note: This article originally ran on September 26, 2002.

Just so you know, the final question of today's mailbag doubles as the most important mailbag question in Sports Guy history (even bigger than "Who would have won a seven-game series between Hickory High and Carver High?"). So let's delve right into it. ...

Doug Christie
AP
It could have been worse; you could have had Doug Christie's wife show up at your fantasy football draft.

Q: At our fantasy football draft this year, one of my buddies (also the commissioner) brought his new wife so she could hang out. She didn't draft a team, but she felt the need to shout out lame comments after players were chosen, and she told her husband what delivery food would not be acceptable for him to eat (he was barred from having even a slice of pizza). Needless to say, our draft was missing the usual witty one-liners and guy talk. So does our commissioner have to step down for committing such a transgression upon his friends? Can our draft be considered binding, or do we need to redraft without our psychologically castrated friend? Has anyone else ever had this happen to the draft? To redeem himself, what would he need to do?
-- Paul P., Manchester, N.H.

Sports Guy: First of all, this might be the most disturbing Sports Guy e-mail ever... even worse than the guy in Vegas who pushed for his buddies to visit the Hoover Dam. I can't imagine why somebody would bring their wife or girlfriend to a fantasy draft, unless there were mitigating circumstances ... like, "I can't leave her alone because she has seizures," or "We're visiting from another state, we don't have a car and there is nowhere else for her to go unless we drop her off at a mall and leave her for dead."

Anyway, here's my ruling:

A. Your buddy has to relinquish the commissioner's chair. Immediately.

B. He can't trade with anyone else all season.

C. He should throw an extra $50 into the prize money pool for ruining everyone's else's draft.

D. He can't hang out with anyone else in the draft until March Madness. Sentence him to six months of chick flicks, apple picking, "Mad About You" reruns, and contemplating his actions and the consequences of those actions.

E. He has to wear a Doug Christie jersey to the next draft. No ifs, ands or buts. And he has to purchase the jersey with his own money.

And if he doesn't accept those terms, he's out of the league. Case closed.

Brittany Murphy, Freddie Prinze Jr.
Some readers don't think Brittany Murphy would be a "Summer Catch."

Q: What girl, who's considered hot by the media, just isn't? My pick is Brittany Murphy. She wasn't good looking in "Clueless" and has gotten worse from there ("Don't Say a Word").
-- Ed Sweeney

SG: As Ed McMahon would say, "Yes ... you are correct, sir." I couldn't agree more. Call me crazy, but when somebody looks like they haven't showered in three weeks, that's not exactly one of my "Boy is she hot!" prerequisites. My runner-up for this category is Tina Fey of "SNL," a brilliant writer and funny performer ... but how the hell did she break into Maxim's 100? I was flabbergasted by that one. She isn't a three-bagger or anything, but the Maxim 100? Has a tousled hairdo and quirky glasses ever carried anyone further?

Continued...


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