Right now, Bill Cowher and his staff are plotting and scheming to take down the genius that is Patriots coach Bill Belichick. A daunting task, even with a 34-20 regular-season victory over the Pats already in their back pocket.

The best advice Page 2 can give to Pittsburgh is to get back to basics by taking a page from high school seniors across America and study for the SAT's. This year, word is the all-important college admissions test -- already hard enough, if you ask the flunkies who work here -- has been made even more challenging.

Page 2 University applauds this effort to raise academic standards -- and so we've initiated some tougher testing of our own. Below is the newly-revised, NFL Playoffs section of the SAT (Sports Attitude Test). Any student, coordinator or assistant wishing to take down someone of Belichick's status must score above 90 percent -- unless you have anything to do with the Colts, in which case you should just walk away. Seriously, just go back to your dome.

This is a timed exam. You have just 60 minutes. Luckily, this is the NFL's version of 60 minutes -- just under four hours.

Ready? Set. Hut 1. Hut 2. Go!

SECTION 1: Multiple Choice (Circle all that apply)

1. Chad Pennington was seen laughing with Ben Roethlisberger after losing to the Steelers because:

A. He feels "privileged" to have blown a fourth-quarter lead.
B. He is smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside.
C. He knows Paul Hackett is going to take the fall.
D. Roethlisberger just said he wasn't scared to face the Patriots' defense.

(Correct answers: A and C)

2. To run a fake field goal correctly, it is important to ...

A. Study your opponent's special teams tendencies.
B. Have an experienced ball-handler at place holder.
C. Sign a designated deep-snapper.
D. Have only eleven men on the field.
E. All of the above

(Correct answer: E)

3. For the last freakin' time, which statistic matters most:

A. 49 regular-season touchdowns.
B. 4,557 regular-season passing yards.
C. A 121.1 regular-season QB rating.
D. Two Super Bowl MVPs.

(Correct answer: D as in "Duh!")

4. What was last weekend's most thrilling moment?

A. Mike Vick's 47-yard run against the Rams.
B. Freddie Mitchell's circus catch in the end zone.
C. Tedy Bruschi ripping the ball from Dominic Rhodes.
D. Not having to see whatever stupid touchdown celebration Randy Moss had planned.

(Correct answer: D)

5. Marty Schottenheimer will win a Super Bowl after ...

A. His play calling in late-game situations becomes less conservative.
B. Philip Rivers matures into a great NFL quarterback.
C. Pigs fly.
D. Bill Belichick hires him as an assistant coach

(Correct answers: D and C)

6. The NFL's Instant Replay system ...

A. Has eliminated officiating controversies forever.
B. Gives viewers a much-needed chance to see more commercials.
C. Should be replaced by real-time fan voting, via cellphone and the Internet.
D. Destroys the flow of the game, adds layers of unnecessary complexity, must be abolished, and may be part of an alien plot to destroy America.
E. Would work even better in baseball!

(Correct answer: D. If you answered E, seek professional help immediately.)

SECTION 1: Analogies

Mike Vick is to the Falcons as ____

A. Michael Jordan is to the Bulls.
B. Babe Ruth is to the Yankees.
C. Slicing is to bread.
D. Randall Cunningham was to the mediocre Eagles' teams of the 1980's.

(Correct answer: D)

Corey Dillon is to Duce Staley as ____

A. David Letterman is to Jay Leno.
B. The Rolling Stones are to Bob Marley.
C. Lindsay Lohan is to Tara Reid.
D. Um ... What was the question again? ... Can we talk about Lindsay and Tara again?!

(Correct answer: D)

SECTION 3: The Dreaded Essay Question

In the last few decades, the tight end has gone from glorified lineman to glamour position. Explain. Use examples to support your arguments. Cite the liberalization of NFL passing rules and the subsequent evolution of two-deep zones. Extra credit for mentioning the rise of basketball in Urban America.

Once you finish, translate your answer into Klingon and mail to Page 2 University's Dean of Admissions. You'll have to find the address yourself. That's the last part of the test.

Hampton Stevens is a contributor to ESPN the Magazine and Page 2. He lives in Kansas City, MO.