Commentary

DJ Gallo's Varsity Tailgate, Week 3

Originally Published: September 18, 2009
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

It's Week 3 of the college football season. Open up your laptop, and your trunk, and enjoy another edition of the Tailgate.


    

Game of the Week

Tennessee at No. 1 Florida -- 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS


People have been waiting for this game since Lane Kiffin vowed he would beat Florida and accused Urban Meyer of a recruiting violation. And Kiffin hasn't let up on the trash talk. Just recently he said he thinks all 11 Gators starters on the defensive side of the ball could play in the NFL. Ohhhhh, smack. SEC fans think ALL their players deserve to play in the NFL. Kiffin couldn't be more hated in Gainesville now.


    

One More Game of the Week

No. 19 Nebraska at No. 13 Virginia Tech -- 3:30 p.m. ET on ESPN


Nebraska is 0-16 in road games versus teams ranked in the Top 20 since Tom Osborne left after the 1997 season. Virginia Tech has won 31 in a row versus ranked opponents at home. Something doesn't have to give.


    

And Yet One More Game of the Week

Florida State at No. 7 BYU -- 7 p.m. ET on Versus


BYU was the last team from outside the BCS to win a national title. That happened in 1984. Ironically, that win helped pave the way for the current BCS system, which makes it harder for outsiders to win it all. I like underdogs as much as the next guy, but if BYU won it all again, we might be stuck with a system so restrictive, the NCAA would require every championship game to be Ohio State or Oklahoma versus the SEC champion. Yuck.



Cupcake of the Week


Temple: Penn State is at the midpoint of its nonconference schedule -- a schedule that includes Akron, Syracuse, Temple and Eastern Illinois. As you know, every Penn State football broadcast includes the mandatory shot of the famous Creamery, the school's on-campus ice cream shop. But even the Creamery can't make anything as sweet as Penn State's schedule.


Cupcake Recipe of the Week

Angel food cupcakes

A delicious sweet treat. For extra sweetness, make them with Joe Paterno and Penn State director of athletics Tim Curley and ask for their secret ingredient. (Note: It's fear.)



Heisman Candidate in the Crosshairs


Tate Forcier, QB, Michigan: A few weeks ago, Rich Rodriguez was talking about playing three quarterbacks. Now some media folks have put Forcier's name in Heisman conversation. Luckily for Forcier, Michigan is home this week against Eastern Michigan. And it's a long-held Heisman rule: If you're playing a team with a direction in its name, your Heisman stock can only go up.



Tim Tebow Fact of the Week


Tim Tebow was born in Manila, Philippines. Tebow can still be President of the United States one day, though, because the Constitution allows for the children of American citizens born in U.S. territories. (See: John McCain.) Also, no one is going to tell Tim Tebow what he can and cannot do, especially not some old piece of paper.



Mascot Fact of the Week


Uga is an English bulldog. According to most dog books and Web sites, English bulldogs tend to be quite gassy, and many can't run or even walk normally without gasping for breath. It is advised that English bulldogs not be kept outdoors in hot and humid weather, lest they suffer heatstroke or have serious breathing complications. Be inspired, Georgia.


Tailgate Tip of the Week

Bring screw-cap bottles

This limits your selection, sure. But invariably someone at your tailgate will drink too much and try to twist off a pry-off. This leads to a nasty cut and lots of blood. No one wants some guy's blood in the dip.



Quote of the Week


Texas offensive lineman Chris Hall, on the Longhorns getting their first crack at Texas Tech since the Red Raiders ruined their BCS title game chances last year:

"Biblically, the Lord says: 'Vengeance is mine.' So you just leave that to the Lord."

I'm glad Chris Hall didn't help write "Pulp Fiction." That movie would have sucked.



Stat of the Week


8: Boise State has allowed only eight total points in its first two games, a school record. Way to ruin the fun-and-gun image of the WAC, Broncos.



Charlie Weis' Hot-Seat Temperature


Getting uncomfortable: Weis is under fire for choosing to throw the ball late in the game last week at Michigan when the Irish had the lead. But think about it, Irish fans: Weis used to make so many poor decision early in games that his late-game decisions didn't matter. This is actually a big improvement!



Lane Kiffin NCAA Violation of the Week


None: This is three weeks in a row without a violation, Mr. Kiffin. You're either going to have to start getting in trouble again or you're going to lose your weekly spot in the Tailgate. And I'm going to bill you for the overhead projector I bought.

    

Worst Game of the Week

Northwestern at Syracuse


Worst game of the week? Maybe not. It's just fun to say so, because most everyone in sports television went to one of these two schools, and those of us without perfect hair or booming baritones have to make fun of them when we can.


Yo Conference Joke of the Week

Yo conference is so weak, all its games are broadcast on the Big Ten Network. (I suppose that's more of a Big Ten joke, huh?)



Name of the Week


Brent Qvale, OL, Nebraska: Some people say offensive linemen only get their names called when they do something bad. And that may be true. But sometimes they don't get their names called because no one knows how to pronounce them.



Player of the Week


Aaron Corp, QB, USC: Freshman Matt Barkley is out with a shoulder injury, so Aaron Corp gets the nod for the Trojans against Washington. If Corp, a junior, plays well, could we see a quarterback controversy at USC? Or, more likely, could we see Corp leave early for the NFL, leading to a petulant Pete Carroll?



Stone-Cold Lock


Lane Kiffin's postgame press conference will be far more entertaining than the game.


DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

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