Commentary

DJ Gallo's Varsity Tailgate, Week 4

Originally Published: September 25, 2009
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

It's Week 4 of the college football season already. And it seems like only three weeks ago the season was just starting. Let's jog our memories with another Varsity Tailgate.


    

Game of the Week

No. 9 Miami at No. 11 Virginia Tech -- 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC


The ACC has taken plenty of flak the past few years. And deservedly so. But this is a guaranteed game in which an ACC team will beat a top-15 opponent. (Probably. Maybe they can both figure out a way to lose. Tune in to ABC tomorrow to find out!)


    

One More Game of the Week

Iowa at No. 5 Penn State -- 8 p.m. ET on ABC


Tailgating before a night game at Penn State is one thing all sports fans should do before they die. Just know it will also be the last thing you do before you die, as you'll likely succumb to alcohol poisoning before kickoff.



Cupcake of the Week


Texas-El Paso: Texas -- which has a home game Saturday against UTEP (3-46 all time against ranked opponents) -- is one of those big-state powers that has the luxury of loading up on in-state cupcakes and calling them in-state "rivalries." Heck, some of the Longhorns' in-state cupcakes are actually named after easily digested foods. They played Rice each of the past six years.


Cupcake Recipe of the Week

Orange cupcakes

Delicious. Just burn them a little bit to give them that burnt orange Texas feel. Looking for something to pair with your Texas Longhorns cupcakes? Might I suggest a juice box. It's recommended by Colt McCoy himself!



Heisman Candidate in the Crosshairs


Colt McCoy, QB, Texas: After three games, McCoy is only pace to throw for 3,436 yards and 24 touchdowns. He's also on pace to throw 16 interceptions. Not exactly the video game numbers you need to be a serious Heisman candidate. He needs to start putting up gaudy numbers and fast or he may find himself only playing for a national championship come the end of the season. Ick.



Tim Tebow Fact of the Week


The longest pass of Tebow's career is a 70-yarder last year against LSU. But did you know he actually threw it the entire circumference of the earth plus 70 more yards? It's true.



Mascot Fact of the Week


Boise State's Buster Bronco is a pervert. Asked by Playboy.com whether ladies love horses, he replied: "You know what ladies say about horses." I know what I say about mascots: I'd want my daughter to steer clear of sweaty guys who wear masks.


Tailgate Tip of the Week

Bring the red cups

What? What do you mean you don't have them? You said you were going to bring the red cups. I even texted you this morning to remind you. Great. Idiot. Now we're going to get arrested.



Quote of the Week


"I'm glad [the No. 4 ranking is] gone so we can get back to working and win some ballgames. You can't really pay attention to that anyway. I'm glad it's over with so everybody can just stop talking about it and play ball."
Bradley Sowell, Ole Miss OT, on losing to South Carolina

Great logic here. The only problem is that if the 15 or 20 teams that will now be in front of Mississippi employ it, the Rebels will be back up to No. 4 again in no time. Or possibly even higher. D'oh! Foiled.



Stat of the Week


6-4: Iowa is one of only three teams with an all-time winning record against Joe Paterno at Penn State. Thankfully for the Nittany Lions, JoePa probably has a short memory.



Charlie Weis' Hot-Seat Temperature


Warm: Had Notre Dame not pulled out the win last week against Michigan State, Weis' dismissal would have been all but guaranteed. Now he has new life. But even if he does get canned at the end of the season, he has some options. For example, it seems as though the New England Patriots could use an offensive coordinator.



Lane Kiffin NCAA Violation of the Week


None: This is getting boring now. He even clammed up about Urban Meyer after getting in a classic line earlier in the week about blaming the flu next time Tennessee has a poor performance. He had a chance there to become our nation's first pandemic comic.

    

Worst Game of the Week

Central Florida at East Carolina


I don't want to watch this football game. However, I would very much like to see a Knight and a Pirate fight. Sure, you might give the advantage to the Knight, what with the armor. But Pirates are much more nimble because they're not so weighted down. Unless it's a peg-legged pirate with a fat parrot on his shoulder. Touché. In that case, I'm going with the Knight again.



Name of the Week


Erik Folk, K, Washington: Every game-winning kick he ever makes in his career will instantly = "Folk Hero" headlines. The headline writers of America thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Folk, for encouraging your son to be a place-kicker. They consider you to be great Folks.



Player of the Week


Jahvid Best, RB, Cal: Sam Bradford is hurt. Tebow and McCoy are putting up pedestrian numbers. What is this? A running back has a chance to win the Heisman this year? Running backs barely even win the Doak Walker Award anymore.


Stone-Cold Lock


A top-5 team has lost in each of the first three weeks of the season. I say it will happen again this week!


DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

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