Commentary

DJ Gallo's Varsity Tailgate, Week 6

Originally Published: October 9, 2009
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

It's Week 6 of the college football season, meaning we now have a six-pack of Tailgate columns. Let's crack this one open.


    

Game of the Week

No. 1 Florida at No. 4 LSU -- 8 p.m. ET on CBS


As we all know, he's a game-time decision. Yes, that's right -- LSU defensive tackle Akiem Hicks will not be cleared until kickoff. Also, Tim Tebow is a game-time decision. And while Tebow normally wears "John 3:16" or "Phil 4:13" on his eye black, expect to see "Matthew 25:13" there Saturday during pregame warmups: "You will not know the day or hour of the Lord's return."


    

One More Game of the Week

No. 3 Alabama at No. 20 Ole Miss -- 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS


Alabama has long been known for defense, but it's actually the offense that is making headlines this year. The Crimson Tide have scored 30 or more points in their first five games of the season for the first time since 1920. I can't say it's surprising how much better the offense can see the field now that it's out from behind John Parker Wilson's bangs.


Cupcake of the Week

Eastern Illinois


After taking a peek in the meat aisle for two weeks with Iowa and Illinois, Penn State is back looking for desserts. This week: Eastern Illinois. But give the Nittany Lions some credit: Saturday is the first time they have ever played a team from the Ohio Valley Conference. While many programs eat the same kinds of cupcakes over and over and over, Penn State is willing to expand its cupcake palate. Penn State is a true cupcake connoisseur.


Cupcake Recipe of the Week

Turnover Cake

While programs like Penn State can eat cupcakes week after week, I cannot. So this week we're switching to a turnover cake. It's in honor of former Eastern Illinois quarterback Tony Romo.


    

Rivalry Game of the Week

Michigan at No. 12 Iowa -- 8 p.m. ET on ABC


A rivalry isn't a true rivalry without some good-spirited heckling. And, Iowa fans, if you need any extra ammunition, I recommend taking a trip on the ol' information superhighway to QBforce.com -- the official Web site of the quarterbacking Forcier brothers. Poke around for a bit. It's quite … something.


Heisman Candidate in the Crosshairs

Case Keenum, QB, Houston: Houston plays at Mississippi State of the SEC, which means this game might be one of Keenum's best chances to make his case for the Heisman. Whereas his absolute best chance to win the Heisman would be to transfer to an SEC school like Mississippi State.


Tim Tebow Fact of the Week

The Tim Tebow Fact of the Week is a column-time decision this week and … I'm going to go with a John Brantley Fact of the Week. Ready? John Brantley's mom's name is Karen. Eh. Boring. See? It's just not the same without Tebow.


Mascot Fact of the Week

Stanford has no official mascot. The famed "Tree" is actually a member of the Stanford band. Perhaps the Tree keeps his beer on ice inside the bell of his tuba.


Tailgate Tip of the Week

Bring some avocados: I don't know if you have watched any of the baseball playoffs on TBS, but if there's one thing I've learned from the commercials, it's that if you don't use guacamole and avocado on your burgers and dogs, you're a total @#$%&. Personally, I've found numerous uses for guacamole beyond just eating it. For example, I've been using guacamole to make a thick paste over my eyes so I don't have to see more George Lopez commercials.


Quote of the Week

"What I would like for every football team to do that we play is to sit there and say, 'I hate playing against these guys. I hate playing them. Their effort, their toughness, relentless resiliency, go out every play and focus, play the next play, compete for 60 minutes in the game, I can't handle that.' That's the kind of football team we want."
-- Nick Saban, Alabama head coach

Well said, Coach Saban. Even better because you didn't invoke 9/11. Although Rick Pitino thinks you missed a great opportunity.


Stat of the Week

24, 26: Since 2005, Florida State has lost 24 games in the ACC. In the program's first 13 seasons in the conference (1992 to 2004), it lost only 26. Bobby Bowden's now-myriad detractors will point to stats like this. But I see it as a compliment to him. While most ACC teams haven't held up their end of the bargain to improve the strength of the conference since it expanded in 2004, Bowden has been selflessly building up the win totals of all the other ACC teams. He's a good man. Lay off, haters.


Charlie Weis Hot Seat Temperature

Cooling: Another week, another narrow escape. Probably this week the Fighting Irish will barely escape their bye week without a loss. But things continue to improve for Mr. Charlie. Next week they play at home versus USC. In the past, he has been given a huge contract extension for losing to the Trojans. Perhaps he will be rewarded similarly again.


Lane Kiffin NCAA Violation of the Week

None. Again. However, even if Kiffin were getting in trouble and risking NCAA punishment, he would have much worse to fear. Tennessee is playing Georgia this week in Knoxville, and Kiffin better hope this Georgia fan doesn't make the trip. That kid especially doesn't care for coaches who wear visors.


    

Worst Game of the Week

Duke at NC State


No one likes to watch a game that makes them wish they were watching another sport.


Name of the Week

Ulysses Tuft Jr., WR, NC State: Especially if one of the teams has a player with a name like Ulysses Tuft Jr. and that player never gets in the game.


Player of the Week

Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma: He's back. Oklahoma has shaved off its quarterback mustache and returned to its natural look.


Stone Cold Lock of the Week

Tim Tebow will play. And the announcers will make the love shown to Brett Favre on "Monday Night Football" sound like a roast in comparison.


DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

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