DJ Gallo's Varsity Tailgate, Week 13
Hope you're continuing to enjoy your holiday weekend, everyone! Here's the regular Saturday edition of the Varsity Tailgate.
Remaining Game of the Week
Florida State at No. 1 Florida -- 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS
Florida State is a 24½-point underdog, but crazy things can happen in a rivalry game. Bobby Bowden could even call a play.
Another Remaining Game of the Week
UCLA at No. 20 USC -- 10 p.m. ET on FSN
It's rare that UCLA enters this game as the hotter team. But it's been a down year for USC. I hear one of the Song Girls even has a zit.
Cupcake of the Week
Notre Dame: I'm not being cruel. It's the best option I have. Stanford, an upper-tier Pac-10 team with a legitimate Heisman contender, is playing a 6-5 team that is not affiliated with a conference, has won one bowl game since 1994 (and that was the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl), is waiting to fire its coach, and has a quarterback with a black eye.
Cupcake Recipe of the Week: None
Charlie Weis ate them all. (OK. Now I'm being cruel.)
Remaining Rivalry Game of the Week
Too many to pick just one
Saturday's schedule inclues Georgia-Georgia Tech, Oklahoma State-Oklahoma, Virginia Tech-Virginia, Clemson-South Carolina, Utah-BYU, North Carolina-North Carolina State, and Mississippi-Mississippi State. Spending Thanksgiving weekend with the ones you despise the most. Umm perfect?
Heisman Candidate in the Crosshairs
Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford: Gerhart and the Cardinal take on Notre Dame in prime time (8 p.m. ET on ABC). And if you think Gerhart's stats look gaudy now -- 1,531 yards, 23 TDs -- wait until he doubles them against the Irish run defense.
Tim Tebow Fact of the Week
Tim Tebow enjoys the music of Kenny Chesney. Of course, that's not so much a Tim Tebow fact as it is a fact about most every quarterback today, from Tebow to Peyton Manning to Sam Bradford to Colt McCoy. Parents, if you want your son to grow into a football star, don't worry about teaching him how to throw or developing his arm strength. First you must make sure they like the music of Kenny Chesney. How do you do that? I have no idea.
Mascot Fact of the Week
Uga VII is still dead. And PETA wants Georgia to replace it with a robot dog. Hey, I agree with PETA here. That would definitely prevent Georgia's mascot from ever dying again. But, umm PETA? That would not stop dogs from dying of natural causes. You get that right? Or are we replacing all dogs with robots? If so, that requires that we first do a lot of dog euthanizing. Which isn't good. You know, I'm not sure if you've thought this through all the way.
Tailgate Tip of the Week
Bring some sauce: Thursday is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving means turkey. Good. Great. But by the time Friday and Saturday roll around, you will be sick of eating turkey. Yet people will be trying to shove their leftover turkey down your throat at every turn. "Oh, having some cereal there? Care for a bit of turkey on top?" "Are you thirsty? How 'bout I make you a turkey shake?" So take some sauce to your tailgate this week -- hot sauce, barbecue sauce it doesn't matter. And slather it all over the turkey sandwich you'll be handed. And don't stop until it no longer tastes like %#&*@^ turkey.
Quote of the Week
"I'm going to be the coach at Florida as long as they'll have me. I want to make that clear."
-- Urban Meyer, on questions about whether he would take the Notre Dame job.
If Urban Meyer takes the Notre Dame job, this quote will be studied for ages by future coaches about how to give a perfectly evasive, loophole-filled answer. Because what's to stop him here from signing a contract to coach Notre Dame?
"What's that, Florida? You will no longer have me because I have a contract to coach another school? Oh, well. Your decision. I guess I'll move on."
Well played, Urban. Well played.
Stat of the Week
21: Tim Tebow takes the nation's longest winning streak into his final game at home. But that's only if you consider The Swamp his home. I consider his home the hearts and minds of everyone in the world.
Charlie Weis' Hot Seat Temperature
The seat has actually caught fire and melted.
Weis has said he can't really think of a reason he would be retained. Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick has told Weis not to go on his scheduled West Coast recruiting trip after the Stanford game. If you're doing some holiday shopping this weekend, be sure to pick this up for any Notre Dame fans on your list. It won't cost much.
Lane Kiffin NCAA Violation of the Week
None. Best of all, freshman safety Janzen Jackson has been cleared of armed robbery charges and reinstated to the team. Let's keep the good news rolling with a picture of Mrs. Kiffin.
Worst Game of the Week
South Carolina State at Appalachian State -- Saturday, noon ET on ESPNU
An FCS playoff game. How ridiculous. Real sports solve it off the field with computers.
Name of the Week
Cameron Ham, WR, Colorado: Turkey gets all the love at Thanksgiving. But Thanksgiving isn't complete without a little Ham.
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
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