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What the heck was recently-retired running back Ricky Williams thinking when he said, "I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test; I failed a drug test because I was ready to quit football."? (The Dolphins are attempting to retrieve $5 million in incentive money they've paid Williams; Williams has hinted he might want to come back with the Raiders in 2005.)

Ricky Williams
Do you think I can still get a Doritos deal? Man, that would save time.

A. "It's like those chicken-and-egg riddles, which are also very hard to explain when you're really, really high."

B. "Umm ... People, the whole NFL is going to five-wide-receiver sets, two tight ends and backs who can catch and run. The Dolphins wanted to send me off-tackle 50 times a game. So who's high?"

C. "What an opportunity for Al Davis! Signing me to the Raiders would let him infuriate Tagliabue again, and all for a measly $5 million. Chump change! He stole twice that much from Irwindale."

D. "Please pass my Dave Wannstedt middle finger bong this way."

E. "Dude, last Friday I was so baked I could swear I saw a goddess give birth to a DNA strand made of lasers. There were astronauts and these rings of fire. Then Bjork let 15,000 people look under her skirt. It was freaky. Maybe I should ease up on the doob."

F. "Of course, if somebody would have told me Phish was breaking up, I might have made a different choice."