By Hunter S. Thompson
Page 2 columnist

The time has come, the suckfish said, to get rid of professional boxing in America. It has been a horrible, traveling hoax since Muhammad Ali's retirement, and now it has turned itself into a bag of Poison scum.

Those crooked bastards finally have gone too far. The U.S. Congress should immediately pass a special Criminal Fraud law to permanently Banish professional boxing spectacles like Saturday night's Shane Mosley-Oscar de la Hoya fight from all public airwaves in America. There is some crap we won't eat.

That is strong language in some circles, but when you start talking about the ugly, evil nature of boxing today, no language is strong enough. Like "Wait a minute, whoreface! That's my air-space that your hired swine are stealing and using up there! That space belongs to me. That is public property, and I am part of the public. You're trespassing! You are a brazen crap-eating criminal, and it is legal for me to kill people like you!"

You want to be vaguely careful when you start screaming about killing people. It can be a touchy subject. Never threaten to kill people in front of witnesses. Take my word for it.

Jake Plummer
Jake the Snake got the job done on Sunday against San Diego.

Ah, but never mind that. Let's get back to some pure sport, like professional football in the USA. It might be fixed, but at least it is Artfully fixed, compared to the out-front, in-your-face screw-you kind of cheap shuck that boxing is.

I can say that with a straight face, because I have a special knowledge of boxing that comes from growing up with Muhammad Ali as our champion -- which is sort of like living in a time when toys like Acid and Marijuana were legal. It was a very different time.

Indeed, and so much for that craziness. The Denver Broncos looked tough in a whole new way on Sunday, as "new" quarterback Jake the Snake Plummer finally came to life. It was a nice surprise to see him throwing and diving for first downs, in the style of John Elway. If Plummer has finally meshed with his offensive line, Denver could ambush a few people later in the season. Clinton Portis is a major running back, and second-year wide receiver Ashley Lelie will go to many Pro Bowls. I watched him when he played college ball in Hawaii. I never cease to be amazed at Mike Shanahan's eye for raw talent. Denver keeps rolling along.

Hell, I am full of sports news and judgmental opinions today. Boxing sucks, the Raiders look maybe a full step slower this season, George Bush is looking weaker, Wes Clark looks Interesting, and it looks from up here that Washington and Indianapolis will meet in the Super Bowl next January.

How's that for looking ahead? Why not? It is always safe to say the Yankees will win the World Series. Big money works wonders in America ... but apparently not in Iraq where we are spending $2 billion a week just to keep from being humiliated in the eyes of the world, which is no longer all in our corner.

Which reminds me somehow of the Philadelphia Eagles, who have lost more than just a step since last season. One of the most basic factors in sports is that Winning becomes a Habit, and Losing is the same way. When Failure starts to feel Normal in your life or your work or even your darkest vices, you won't have to go looking for trouble, because trouble will find You. Count on it.

Our dangerously goofy child President from Texas is a squalid example of trouble coming home to roost. He is like a half-bright football coach who goes into a big game without a Game Plan. BOOM! Shame and failure will follow you for all the days of your life. Selah.

The Bush family reeks of fraud and bad karma. But even worse than our wretched, gibbling president are the cowardly whores in Hollywood who are currently smearing film stars and music people like Johnny Depp by calling them unpatriotic Americans who righteously question the wisdom of invading a whole nation of Islam -- 1.8 billion worshipers -- which is a dangerously stupid idea. Disagreeing with Donald Rumsfeld about bombing anybody who gets in our way is not a crime in this country. It is a wise and honorable idea that George Washington and Benjamin Franklin risked their lives for. These thieves in the White House are so crazy with greed and power, and they are causing so much drastic damage to the world we live in, that they are the ones who should be put on trial for treason.

OK, I am getting a little excited here, so I think I'll wrap this up quickly, before I spiral out of control and burst into flames. I am widely known as a pure-bred, natural-born patriot and a lover of what this country used to stand for. The Statue of Liberty wasn't out there for nothing. Beware of War Mongers. They don't give a hoot in hell if you live or die. They are in this racket strictly for themselves. Mahalo.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson was born and raised in Louisville, Ky. His books include "Hell's Angels," "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72," "The Great Shark Hunt," "The Curse of Lono," "Generation of Swine," "Songs of the Doomed," "Screwjack," "Better Than Sex," "The Proud Highway," "The Rum Diary," and "Fear and Loathing in America." His latest book, "Kingdom of Fear," has just been released. A regular contributor to various national and international publications, Thompson now lives in a fortified compound near Aspen, Colo. His column, "Hey, Rube," appears regularly on Page 2.




Hunter
S.
Thompson
HEY, RUBE