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I was struggling in the grip of my Physical Therapist on a recent afternoon, when I was suddenly infused with a seizure of brute strength. It flowed through me like a river of electricity. I cried out with joy as I grabbed the brute by both ears and hurled him sideways against my huge black leather refrigerator. He was weak, and I was strong.It is a wonderful kind of feeling that comes on me more and more these days, as I become stronger and stronger. This worried me at first, but not for long -- because I got a call tonight from a woman who claimed to be Jennifer S. from Boston. She said she was a serious sports fan. "I will do anything, if it will let me come face to face with a true hero of Football on television," she said, almost desperately. "Nothing will prevent me from making this dream come true. Nothing!" "EXACTLY!" I said. "Your dream must come true! What can I do to help?" She laughed harshly. "I am an extremely beautiful woman," she giggled. "I have the most beautiful breasts of any woman in the world, and I can prove it on worldwide TV. That is how you can help me." "Are you crazy?" I shouted. "What kind of ignorant jackass would call me in the middle of a damn Sunday night football game and talk about her breasts?" This happens every weekend, even with good friends and professional colleagues. I am a sportswriter -- a certified sports Editor, in fact -- but I am also deeply involved in many other arts and disciplines and sometimes very dangerous persuasions that have little to do with the sparkling world of sports. Yes sir. But there is a huge difference between the words "little" and "nothing." Nothing means Never, and Little means Maybe, or almost never. Ho ho ho. I almost never killed people who crossed me when I was drunk. ...That will make for interesting conversations in a courtroom. It is the difference between Guilty and Innocent.
Ah, but why are we wandering off into some queasy world of mystery and speculation? Is it Necessary?Yes, it is. The world of Sports is not a world of its own. To think of nothing in life except the weekly outcomes of high-dollar football games is wrong and impossible for any American person, except a Moron or a Waterhead, or maybe even the President of the United States on some days. That is the Cruelty of these morbid times we live in. Professional football is not the only pillar of Faith that is crumbling all around us, as we stumble nervously into this new and merciless century. Even our world-famous Military power is visibly failing us. If we get chased out of Iraq with our tail between our legs, that will be the fifth consecutive Third-world country with no hint of a Navy or an Air Force to have whipped us in the past 40 years. If the U.S. had a national Football team with a record like that, we would have fired the Coach a long time ago. Nobody can lose all the time and still stay in power. Even Adolf Hitler was forced to kill himself after personally destroying the proud nation of Germany and turning it into a helpless Nazi whorehouse. Hitler was a monster, a murderous speed freak who wanted to rule the world. He was hated and feared by his own Generals. Everybody hated Hitler. He was too crazy to live -- yet he did rule the world for 12 years and four months, and he got away with it.
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