Special to Page 2
The truth has not set me free yet. It is nonetheless fascinating what a guy can learn when he pays attention to cable television, the newspapers and the mighty Internet. I am not free, but I do hold these truths to be self-evident:
1. Janet Jackson has at least one breast and a stunning metal nipple shield! Surely she should open a theme park to rival her brother's spread. She can call it Un-tethered Land.
2. College kids drink and have sex. (Shhhh. Don't let's tell Eliot Spitzer)
3. College football coaches are irritable.
4. Football jocks drink even more and seem to have even more sex. (Except the ones who can't because the steroids have taken their toll).
5. Paul Tagliabue thinks a lot of NFL quarterbacks suffer bouts of projectile dysfunction on third-and-long, so he cleared the Levitra ads.
6. Now that the lid's off the THG secret, some professional and Olympic athletes may be qualified to audition for certain key roles if there is a "Seabiscuit" sequel.
7. Sports Illustrated swimsuit models have two breasts. Why don't they have to apologize twice?
8. Ralph Nader doesn't need a campaign manager. He needs a dry cleaner, a tailor and a barber.
9. In Vermont, no one can hear you -- or your governor -- scream.
10. Mel Gibson's next big movie will be filmed on location in Chicago: "The Passion of Moises."
11. The Cubans and Trumps prove that if you are detached from reality, you can host a reality TV series. Dusty Baker, come on down!
12. In Washington, there is a growing trend toward reliance on proven warriors from prior administrations. Bush has Rumsfeld and Powell. Snyder has Gibbs.
13. What did we expect? Athens, Greece, was the birthplace of the ancient Olympics, and that's exactly what we'll get this summer. Ancient roads, Spartan (half-built) facilities and a work ethic that's more B.C. than p.c.
14. Al Sharpton is a weapon of mass distraction.
15. MTV is doing halftime in Haiti. Stay tuned.
16. John Daly is a roll model. Pass the butter, big fella.
17. Bobby Knight's next big skirmish is coming to a sushi bar near you. The trouble starts when he chews out the chef for forgetting to cook the salmon.
Steve Woodward is a frequent contributor to Page 2.