By Mike Philbrick
The Boss is keeping busy.
First the Yankees hire a Director of Optimal Performance. Then one of Mr. Steinbrenner's personal signees, Gary Sheffield, holds a town meeting with several citizens of Red Sox Nation. And to top it off, his third baseman decides to play super hero while walking through Boston.
... and that's just in the last 48 hours.
Hey, you think it's easy being The Boss? How would you like the stress and burden of running a team with a $200 million payroll and a starting lineup of current and former All-Stars?
Luckily, George has a crack staff at the Stadium helping him along.
And much like where most of us work, they have their share of announcements to make.
Like what? We're glad you asked. Page 2 logged on to the Yankees' company intranet site (who knew David Wells' password would still work? Thanks Boomer!) and found an HR announcement the Yanks sent out just this morning.
Needless to say, the pleasure is all on this side of the table.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please ...
The New York Yankees are pleased to announce the following hires and promotions. Please join me in welcoming and congratulating this group from our family the defending American League East Champions!
Chad Bohling, Director of Optimal Performance Chad comes to us from the IMG Academies where he worked with the Bollettieri Tennis Academy, and The Basketball Academy on creating mental conditioning programs. Chad is a pioneer in the field and has been heralded for coming up with such innovative concepts as "Score More Than The Other Team" and "Don't Let The Other Team Score More Than You." Chad's office will be located approximately two feet from Alex Rodriguez's locker and he will report to Jason Giambi, Vice President of Team Chemistry.
Here are a few words from Chad:
"Losing is a disease. Just like syphilis or polio ... ahh, but curable! First, think of a boat gently rocking, gently rocking, gently rocking ... that's all I got."
Ron Artest, Director of On-Field Player-Fan Synergy Ron currenly lives in the greater Indianapolis area where he is on a company-approved leave of absence. A native of Queens, he is one of the most notable leaders in his field and was recently recognized for his efforts by the Auburn Hills Police Department and the Oakland County Prosecutors Office in Michigan. Ron's office will be located in Row 1, Right Field Box No. 86, Fenway Park. Please stop by and say hello! Ron will report to Vice President of Off-Field Player-Fan Synergy, Howard Spira.
Here are a few words from Ron:
"First off if you haven't purchased the CD from my girls Allure, well you're missing out. Second, despite what you may have heard, let me clear something up about a recent trip to Italy. Yes, I am a fan of Inter Milan but to answer the questions I've been getting from the members of the Italian police community let me just say I was scared by the crowd I thought I saw some dudes wearing Ben Wallace jerseys. So, I tried to get your attention by waving my arms because I am a peaceful man and I want to avoid any and all confrontations. When that didn't work, I may or may not have shot off a couple flares to make sure you could find me in such a big crowd. Oh, it's great to be here."
Alex Rodriguez, Assistant Director of Parking Lot D Third baseman and former AL MVP Alex (or A-Rod as he's known around the office!) has been promoted to Assistant Director of Parking Lot D. You know, the one really close to the bat. Alex has stood out from the rest of his co-workers with his tireless work ethic and most recently when he slapped a child out of harm's way from being tagged out by a passing truck. Alex will continue to report to the Director of Parking Lot D, Hideki Irabu.
Here are a few words from Alex:
"By the time most of my teammates or any other guys in the league get out of bed, I've probably parked 10 or 20 cars. I do that six days a week that's my commitment to this team. I just want to give it my best shot and Good Lord willing, things'll work out. Oh, and don't forget management does not take responsibility for items lost or stolen from your vehicle."
One more reminder please make sure to have all dental visits completed by Nov. 1 when the free agency signing period begins.
Rudolph W. Giuliani
Senior Vice President, Human Resources
Mike Philbrick is an editor for Page 2. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org