Thursday, October 14, 2004
Late Word: The real debate begins
Compiled by Page 3
With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
George Bush and John Kerry lost the battle to baseball.
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"
"Do you know who won tonight's debate? Anybody that watched baseball." (Oct. 13)
"Sunday, the Dolphins had a bad day: they played. But they do serve a purpose. Their job is to make the San Diego Chargers feel good about themselves." (Oct. 13)
" 'Friday Night Lights' is about a high school football team and it's a terrific movie. Let me tell you something, if you really want to see some good high school football this weekend, check out the Miami Dolphins." (Oct. 12)
"In Phil Jackson's new book, 'The Last Season,' Phil goes after Kobe. He claims Kobe Bryant is so self-centered, he made the Lakers pay for his private plane to fly him back and forth to the trial in Denver, and then complained that the private jet wasn't fancy enough. The Lakers kept turning him down, they didn't want to do it but you know Kobe. He doesn't understand the meaning of the word no." (Oct. 12)
"Now Boston will play the New York Yankees, and if the Red Sox win that series, they'll go on and play in the World Series and then, if the Red Sox win the World Series, then the Earth will crack open and we'll all die!" (Oct. 11)
"Last night, John Kerry stayed at a hotel in Colorado to get ready for the debate today. A hotel in Colorado. Today, Kobe called him and said, 'Whatever you do, don't order room service!'" (Oct.8)
"The Dodgers got killed again last night in St. Louis. You know, the last people to have this much trouble with the Cardinals were Boston altar boys." (Oct.8)
"I turned on that show 'Lost,' last night and then I realized it was the Angels game." (Oct. 7)
"According to ESPN, former Dolphins running back Ricky Williams -- remember him, he quit the NFL this past summer because he wanted to find himself and smoke dope -- wants back in. I guess he found himself. He found himself an out-of-work pothead. He wrote a letter to the NFL asking how soon he could come back. He wrote the letter on Zig Zag papers." (Oct. 7)
Check out all the laughs as Piazza tries to throw out baserunners.
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien"
"Tonight, as you all know, was the third and final presidential debate. You all saw that, right? Just play along, OK. ... Third and final presidential debate was tonight and that was a corker. It's interesting, during the first debate the audience couldn't ask questions, during the second debate the audience could ask questions and during tonight's debate the audience got to stay home and watched the baseball game. Wasn't that fun?" (Oct. 13)
"The New York Times says that the Mets are starting their own television network. Not surprisingly the Mets are calling the network, Comedy Central." (Oct. 13)
"Everybody excited about the baseball playoffs? (Crowd cheers.) ... Tonight the American League Championship Series begins between the Yankees and the Red Sox. This is pretty exciting stuff. (Quiet) ... Yeah, now folks think about it ... I'm telling you it's exciting, I'm not asking you. 'This is very exciting and jokeworthy.' ... No, the big game between the Yankees and Red Sox tonight. If the Yankees win, not the game but the series, if the Yankees win it means they will capture their 40th pennant. If the Red Sox win it means Wilfred Brimley has a shot at Halle Berry." (Oct. 12)
"Tiger Woods got married, did you know that? ... Yesterday Tiger Woods got married and among the guests were Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan and Bill Gates. Yeah, apparently the three of them chipped in and bought the happy couple ... Indonesia. ... Pretty nice, they opened it in front of everybody ... Indonesia!" (Oct. 6)
"Late Show with David Letterman"
"You can feel that it's autumn in New York City. One way that you can tell that it's autumn in New York City is the Mets are now home watching the playoffs." (Oct. 12)
"Earlier tonight was the Yankees and the Red Sox, and here's another sure sign of autumn: the annual transition for the Red Sox from false hope to heartbreaking defeat." (Oct. 12)
"A lot of prominent Italian-New Yorkers were at the Columbus Day Parade. Mario Andretti was the Grand Marshall of the parade, Rudy Giuliani was at the parade, Hillary Clintoni was at the parade." (Oct. 11)
Pedro Martinez is practicing an end-of-the-world drill.
"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"Work in this office has come to a complete halt because of this stupid baseball game. People don't even realize there's another game, you know the Astros and Cardinals are playing, too. It's all Yankees-Red Sox around here and you can understand why because this is the third time the Yankees and Red Sox have met in the postseason. They played before in '99 and 2003. So you can see this rivalry is almost 5 years old." (Oct. 13)
"Some positive news in Chicago on Monday, for the first time since 1999 no one was shot or murdered in the city of Chicago. No shootings, no murders. There were still 512 kielbasa-related heart attacks but no violent crime ... and isn't it good news for a city badly in need of some after last week's tragic choking by these guys (shows team photo of the Chicago Cubs). But they're definitely gonna win next year. (Oct. 7)
"Baseball playoffs in full swing, the Yankees made a big comeback against the Twins. (whoops from the crowd.) ... (Kimmel laughs) Yeah, it's fun to root for the underdog, isn't it? They were down 6-5 in the 12th, their backs were against the wall, they're down one game to none, so they did something very interesting, they bought the Twins' best hitter from them. He changed uniforms quickly and doubled to win the game." (Oct. 7)
"Las Vegas police announced this week that Siegfried and Roy's house was the target of a drive-by shooting. You probably heard that, but today they identified a guy named Cole Ford, who was a former placekicker for the Oakland Raiders as the primary suspect. So many gang members in these Raiders jerseys, who would've guessed it was an actual Raider doing this, but ... I just, I know you all do, hope and pray that this ugly chapter in this ongoing feud between magicians and placekickers ends soon." (Oct. 7)
"A lot of talk about steroids in baseball this year. Gary Sheffield, who plays for the Yankees, lashed out at Giants slugger Barry Bonds yesterday. They used to be friends but Sheffield says Bonds gave him a cream for his knee a couple of years ago and he didn't know it but there was steroids in the cream. And I've been injecting the horse testosterone all this time; I had no idea. ... but Sheffield was angry because not only did he not know it was steroids in there, he also brushed his teeth with the cream, and as you can see the result was a disaster (shows photo of Sheffield with a Cheshire catlike grin across his face)." (Oct. 6)