Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Late Word: Fire Babe Ruth, already!
Compiled by Page 3
With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
For Kobe, nothing says "I'm sorry" like expensive jewelry.
"Late Show with David Letterman"
"Now this brings us back to square one. Did you hear about this? There is this tremendous exhibit at the Smithsonian. They have fascinating, unusual items that go back ten, twenty years, and currently on display at the Smithsonian Institute is a rare 23-carat ruby. Unbelievable, you really need to get down there. It will be there the rest of the year then it goes back to Mrs. Kobe Bryant." (Oct. 22)
"This just in: George Steinbrenner has fired Babe Ruth. (Oct. 21)
"The Yankees are really up against it now, because no team has ever come back from four straight losses. But I think maybe the Yankees are in denial because today, they announced their starting pitcher for Game 8. What a shocker! Red Sox fans were dazed, they were actually stunned and dazed, and then when they realized what happened they had to quickly jump on the Internet to try and find out how to celebrate. (Oct. 21)
"Last night, the celebration in Boston got crazy. The fans went insane and a group of rowdy Red Sox fans actually tipped over Ted Kennedy." (Oct. 21)
The "Top 10 Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback," as read by Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, who was wearing a Larry Bird jersey, via satellite:
10. "Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic."
9. "We put flu virus in Jeter's Gatorade."
8. "Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us."
7. "We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less Pokey."
6. "It's not like we haven't won a big game before -- it's just been 86 years."
5. "Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots."
4. "The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins."
3. "We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head."
2. "What'd you expect -- we have a guy who looks like Jesus!"
1. "We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool." (Oct. 21)
Eddy Curry committed the dirtiest of fouls in the NBA.
"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"NBA preseason game last night between the Bulls and the Wizards. We might not get any hockey this season because of the lockout, but these guys seem prepared to make up for the lack of fights. (Shows clip.) ... That was only an exhibition fight, so it does not count in the standings. The main reason I show that is look at the last part again in slow motion, you see Bulls center Eddie Curry here with a hard shot right to the unthinkables. (Audience reacts.) Heh, heh, that's a testicle foul. You get two shots." (Oct. 26)
"Also on the flu shot hotseat, some members of the Chicago Bears. About half the team got flu shots. A lot of people in Chicago are not happy about it because these are big, strong, healthy guys. The players though say it wasn't their fault. They thought they were injecting steroids. So an honest mistake that's been blown totally out of proportion, but embarrassing nonetheless, which at 1-4 I believe the Bears are used to it by now." (Oct. 22)
"Huge ratings for baseball on Fox. Game 7 was on in more than 20 million households. They estimate more people watched this thing than the final episodes of 'Blossom' and 'Hangin' With Mr. Cooper' combined." (Oct. 22)
"All hell broke loose in Boston last night. The mayor of Boston briefly flirted with the idea of banning alcohol at bars near Fenway Park during the World Series but he came to his senses and changed his mind today. It is kinda crazy, though, how drunk people ... We saw some of the people last night. You wait your whole life to see your team play in the World Series and then you're so loaded you can't remember one second of it. ... It's easy ... You can enjoy a game without alcohol. In fact, in the interest of moderation, our staffers have today put together a little video to show you some ways you can watch and enjoy baseball without getting drunk. (Shows video, while describing their suggestions.) Here's one of the ways: Spin around until you get dizzy. You can also, if you care to, do shots of Pixie Stix. Or imagine the other team in their underwear. So there's some ways to enjoy baseball. ... Please don't drink." (Oct. 22)
"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
"What a crowd. Sound more excited than Ben Affleck after the Red Sox won. Tomorrow, the first day of the World Series, or as the Yankees call it, Saturday. Well, it's the Red Sox and the Cardinals, they are going to play each other in the World Series for the first time since 1967. Think about what life was like back then. It was really different, we had a bad economy, an unpopular war, the president was from Texas. Thank God those days are over." (Oct. 22)
"Late Night" with Conan O'Brien
"I gotta mention this. The World Series, of course, starts on Saturday and this is the latest news. The owner of Mickey Mantle's restaurant, right here in Manhattan, said that Mickey Mantle appeared to him in a dream and told him to rename the restaurant Ted Williams in honor of the Red Sox. That's what happened ... came to him in a dream and said rename the restaurant Ted Williams. Yeah, then the next night Ted Williams appeared in his dream and said, 'Screw the restaurant, how about defrosting my head?' " (Oct. 22)
Red Sox fans are still waiting for the Yankees to ruin the fun.
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"
Stewart: "We're also recovering in the city, here in New York, a bit of mourning. An amazing night for the city of Boston, we're actually gonna go right out there now to Rob Corddry, who is in Boston. He joins us from outside Faneuil Hall. Now, Rob, I want to point out you're from the area, you're a huge Red Sox fan, I do congratulate you."
Corddry (who has the title, senior baseball analyst on the screen): "Thank you, Jon."
Stewart: "And I wish you well, um, Rob, the Red Sox (were) down 3-0 against their archrivals, the Yankees. A historic comeback to win the series. I mean, (in a Boston accent) 'Come on , Corddry! What's the mood like up there right now?"
Corddry: "The mood, Jon. I'd say the mood here is hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. People here feel the Sox have the Yankees more or less where they want 'em. But only time will tell, Jon."
Stewart: "They have the Yankees where they want 'em? Rob, it's over. The Red Sox beat the Yankees. ...
Corddry (interrupting): "Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, Jon, Jon, Jon, you're gonna jinx it, man. You're gonna jinx it! Something could still happen. Umm, there could be a forfeit. Or the pennant could go through Buckner's legs, I don't know. Derek Jeter could fly counterclockwise around the Earth really, really fast until it's the night before like Superman did. It's the Yankees, Jon. They're always pulling s--- like that."
Stewart: "Rob, I would imagine that at least on this night, on this night there would be jubilation in Boston."
Corddry: "Jon, I'm a Sox fan. Failure is all I know. ... But after last night I'm feeling almost ... umm, almost ... successful, is that a word? I don't care for it, man."
Stewart: "Are you at least looking forward to the World Series?
Corddry: "Yes, yes, yes, which we could still blow. ... And in some staggeringly biblical fashion. I mean that ... would be heartbreaking (a smile slowly brightens his face as he looks off to the distance, fantasizing), heartbreaking."
Stewart: "Thank you very much, Rob. Enjoy it up there. Rob Corddry, everybody. ... 'Come on Corddry, slap me! Come on!'" (Oct. 21)
"The Late Late Show" with guest host Jim Rome
"A court in Switzerland ruled yesterday that U.S. gymnast Paul Hamm gets to keep his gold medal even though his score was not as high as a South Korean gymnast in Athens. (Shows clip, including Hamm speaking.) I think the helium industry has found its spokesman. Hamm made a tearful case that he deserved the gold, and besides a silver medal does not match his outfits. ... In the end Hamm will be remembered as the man who won the medal thanks to an unbeatable combination of strength, determination and math errors. Many feel that Hamm is hanging onto the medal for the lucrative endorsement deals, and already he seems to be cashing in (shows a Wheaties-style box with the name 'Whiny Bitches)." (Oct. 22)
"The World Series is set, the Boston Red Sox are going to play the St. Louis Cardinals, who knocked off Houston last night, 5-2. Red Sox fans woke up thinking, 'what is this strange sensation?' It is called joy. When reached for comment, George Steinbrenner said, 'There must be some kind of mistake, I specifically purchased a championship here.' ... The trips marks a huge change for Boston as normally when a cardinal comes to town, it's to deal with somebody who has been molested. ... The Yankees were hoping to be saved by the ghost of Babe Ruth. Unfortunately, it turns out that Ruth's ghost was passed out at a ghost whorehouse." (Oct. 22)