By Mary Buckheit
Page 3 staff

America, we were punk'd. Ashton Kutcher is not as dumb as he looks.

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore
They said it wouldn't last ... but nine months later, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are still an item.
He's a Delta Chi frat boy ... and an expert on biochemical engineering. He swept Cheerios off the cereal factory floors of Iowa ... and swept down the catwalk in his Calvin Klein undercarriage. The success of "That '70s Show" rests squarely on his lanky frame, though he spent only two years in the actual dazed decade.

Need further proof that Ashton is a living, breathing enigma? His real name is Christopher, and he inadvertently kickstarted the latest boxy-mesh fashion trend. Currently tearing up the big screen in a dramatic role, he is well versed in corn and porn. He wishes he was Brian Urlacher, though he'd dine with da Vinci if given the choice.

Oh yeah, one more bit of enigmatic minutiae ... he's 25 and she's 41.

Don't be checking under your mouse for MTV's hidden camera or peeking around punctuation for the notorious, "Psyche!" The truth about the master of deception is more interesting than any fiction even he could cook up. Our Mary Buckheit made the hunky punk come clean in Page 3's 10 Burning Questions.

1. OK, set the record straight once and for all: Is it de-MI or DEM-i?

Kutcher: It's de-MI (deh-ME).

There you have it folks, straight from the horse's mouth.

What's your favorite Demi movie?

Hmm. Boy, I don't know. I guess I gotta go with "GI Jane."

2. Let's talk about this great accomplishment of yours: Are you the trucker hat godfather?

Ashton Kutcher
In "Butterfly Effect", Kutcher's character deals with some major memory lapses.
Nah, I didn't start that trend, that's from back in the day. When you're working on the farm in the summertime, you put on a mesh hat so the heat can escape through the top, and you still got a little visor from the sun. I wasn't starting a fad.

Functionality, I see. Stayin' true to your Iowa farm roots. Still Ashton from the block.

I never intended it to be a fashion trend, it's just what I threw on. It stuck, I guess.

Well now that everyone and their mom has a trucker hat, do you still sport them?

Yeah, sure, I still wear them.

Are you partial to any of them? The classic John Deere? The prophetic "Jesus Is My Homeboy?"

Ha! Nope, I like them all. No favorites. Whatever goes on, goes on.

Ladies love a good mesh lid.

Oh yeah.

3. So, you're just an Iowa farmboy. Can you tell me anything interesting about corn?

About Porn?!

Corn! Like cobs! ... But I guess if you've got the lowdown on Iowa porn I'll take that, too.

Well, the AVN Convention is going on right now.

Adult Video News? In Iowa?

No, no. Vegas, baby.

So nothing on corn?

Well, you only detassle field corn.

You know your maize, Ashton.

Angelina
There's only one Angelina
4. Did you know you and Angelina were voted America's favorite New Year's Eve fantasy dates? Not bad for an agriculturist.

Huh? Angelina who?

C'mon, there's only one Angelina.

Jolie?

Yep. She was the most desired lady, and you beat out Johnny Depp and all other fellas.

Really? Angelina Jolie? Me and Angelina Jolie? Ye-ah! Right on!

So did you have a hot New Year's date?

My New Year's was pretty great, actually. I was at a small party on an island in the Caribbean. We watched some fireworks, had a couple cocktails. ... I had a good go at the new year.

5. The new year brings a new movie and a new role for you as you star in the intense thriller, "The Butterfly Effect." Some critics already have their doubts about you in a dramatic role. How do you respond to these naysayers?

Well, ya know, look, this is obviously a departure from what people have seen and what I've been doing. I wouldn't tell you to go see this movie because of me, I would say go see it because it's a really cool movie. I, personally, am sick of going to the movies and seeing the same crap. This is different ... completely different. I understand that this strays from my usual stuff. It challenged me all over the place because it's so fresh and unique It's unlike anything else. I guarantee you have never seen this one before.

For the record, we have full faith in your dramatic capabilities.

Ashton Kutcher, Seann William Scott
"Dude, where's my biochemical engineering book?"
I know, right? I'm dramatic.

How soon they forget that you mastered the extreme physical and emotional demands for Jesse in "Dude, Where's My Car?" and transcended social structure in the epic "My Boss's Daughter."

Exactly! I try.

6. In "Butterfly," your character has a serious memory problem and cannot remember key events in his life, but he is able to go back in time and correct his mistakes. How's your real-life memory?

My character has disassociation disorder, so he doesn't remember the traumatic things that happen in his life. My real memory serves me very well, thank you.

I tend to doubt that your short-term is sharp as a tack, sir?

Hey now, I tend to remember all I need.

All right. Well, is there any real-life slip-up you'd like to sneak back and fix?

Actually, I think we all have the ability to go back and mend past mistakes. We can reconcile our mistakes or even mend relationships that we've severed in the past simply by taking action today. I'm always working on things I've done. I am currently working on a few mistakes I made a while ago.

How profound.

Brittany Murphy, Ashton Kutcher
Kutcher let it all hang out in "Just Married."
7. So smarty, a biochemical engineering major at the University of Iowa, huh? What was that all about?

Yeah, I wanted to be a genetic engineer. That was my goal in college. I wanted to figure out what the codon sequence was that causes replication in a cardio myopathic virus. That was my goal.

Lofty goal for a frat boy.

I guess.

8. If you really had grown up in midwestern America during those magical '70s, would you have been as similar to your character, Kelso, as we think?

I'd like to think I'd be a little more savvy than Michael Kelso.

Not so naive?

Yeah ... I'd probably just be a lot like I was when I was a teenager.

Which was?

Which was not so naive.

9. So what's the official word? Did you really pull the plug on "Punk'd"?

Yeah, we're done with the series. You can get more "Punk'd" on the DVD, though. It has new segments that have never been seen before, and it has a lot of extended footage on most of the stuff that already aired. So, you can see more "Punk'd," but the show as a whole is done.

Rest easy, America.

Yeah, we just kinda felt that, with the nature of it all, we couldn't keep it new and fresh, so we decided to let go of it.

Who would be your ultimate "Punk'd" victim?

I would like to punk the president.

Dubya?

Yeah, I would love to pull that off.

Would you rather win an Oscar or punk George W.?

Wow. Uhhh, man. I guess I really haven't thought much about winning an Oscar, but if I had the opportunity I'm sure I would like it.

Are there any untouchables? Folks you would never punk?

Nah, no one is too good to be punked!

Yeah, I guess if you're gunning for the president you fear no one.

No way! We're not scared of anybody. Everyone is fair game ...

What about Bruce Willis?

-- uhhh. No. Not really. Dear God!

Walter Payton
Walter Payton ranks as Kutcher's all-time favorite athlete.
10. If you could invite any three people to dinner, living or dead, who would you call?

Anybody?

Anybody.

OK. Hmm. I would invite Walter Payton, first and foremost.

Sweetness.

Second, I would invite Demi, because she'd get angry with me if I didn't.

You know what's good for you, boy.

Yep. And, lastly ... I'd invite Leonardo da Vinci.

Art connoisseur?

I don't know if I'd go that far, but I certainly appreciate it.

Ashton, you're well-rounded, and you've got your priorities straight ... da Vinci takes a backseat to Demi, ad infinitum.

Right-o.