Compiled by Page 3 staff

Martha Stewart may be "Living" in a jail cell in Connecticut. Steroids are causing more buzz than an unexpected wardrobe malfunction. And people have long since torn their brackets to pieces. This is a comedy cornucopia. Who could ask for anything more?

With real life news like this there will be plenty of Late Night Laughs to last us at least through another springtime winter storm.

"Late Show" with David Letterman
The Top 10 Things Said by a Basketball Mascot, as read by someone in a basketball-shaped costume talking to random people around New York:

10. "Don't tell nobody but I got a dead body in here."

9. "I'm Eddie -- your blind date."

8. "Look what steroids did to me."

7. "I need a little help here -- a rat ran up inside my costume."

6. "I'm taking a leak at this very moment."

5. "There's room for two in this thing."

4. "You wanna hear something scary? This ain't a costume."

3. "I can't fit in a cab -- for 10 bucks would you roll me to Brooklyn?"

2. "Can you get me a rag? I just threw up in this thing."

1. "You know where I can find an orange, ball-shaped hooker?" (April 2)

  • "The Yankees are playing a series of baseball games in Japan, and they're on here in New York City really, really early and I wanted to see the ballgame. It was on at 5:00am and I was having a great time. I'm sitting there in my underwear, having a beer and the next thing I know they come over and finally toss me out of Hooters." (March 30)

    From "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
  • "Today is the official opening day of major league baseball. Did you see Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati? Did you see Cheney throwing that ball? At first, I thought it was the new Levitra commercial." (April 5)

  • "The San Diego Padres have a brand new $300 million baseball park, Petco Park. It's called Petco Park, named after the giant pet store chain. The bad thing is when you want to buy some peanuts, you only have the annoying 50-pound bag." (April 2)

  • "In Touch magazine quotes Hugh Grant as saying he's given up women for golf, which is ironic because even women into golf don't give up women." (April 2)

  • "Happy April Fool's Day. This of course is the day we honor those people who bet on the Clippers. With Bush in the White House, doesn't every day feel like April Fool's Day?" (April 1)

    "On The Record" with Bob Costas
    Triumph The Insult Comic Dog introduced Costas on the season premiere. (April 2)

    Triumph: "Welcome to a brand new season of 'Deadwood,' also known as 'On The Record' with Bob Costas. We'll be starting with the 'Deadwood' in just a minute, but first, I'm talking with Bob Costas. Let me ask you right off the bat, because this is your fourth season of doing a show that appears to be a perfect venue for your ability -- in that nobody sees it and thus there's minimal damage -- yet you had the great gig on NBC at 1:30 a.m. that you walked away from. A huge story, but you chose HBO instead of broadcast television, which begs the question, why make people pay a monthly fee to not watch you?

    "And compounding the issue, you only get to do a handful of these. And I know there has to be a certain level of frustration when you're off the air and you see a story like a Kobe Bryant or a Gov. Schwarzenegger that you could've made boring. And you didn't get the opportunity to put your stamp (on it), to sit down with a Schwarzenegger and ramble on for 10 minutes about Richard Dawson and 'The Running Man.'

    "And of course, even on the air, you still can't get guests, as we can see in a moment. I mean, Condoleezza Rice will talk to anyone, this much we've learned, but you couldn't get her ..."

    Costas: "No ... I got Jerry Rice. I couldn't get Condoleezza Rice."

    Triumph: "And now it's very sad because we'll never know what she thinks about the wild card or the designated hitter rule, which is tragic? Which is tragic because so many of us share your concerns about these (things). I don't like this AstroTurf either, you have to eat way too much of it before you can puke. And I try to drag my ass on it and let's just say that my balls took a bad hop. Bill Buckner stuff.

    "And I have to ask because your passion for the game is palpable, and I might add fitting because you're not like a baseball game. You're ponderous, goes on too long, you know, although no one can accuse you of ever taking human growth hormone. Which is not to say you're not attractive, especially on HBO Fridays. I mean you're competing with Bill Maher. He's not a good looking fellow, Bill Maher; I heard he banged a poodle once and she got arrested for bestiality.

    "But I think you'll agree that the sex appeal sells and it's pervasive in the sports world. Allow me to indulge for a moment on a long and boring tangent, but there are a lot of hot bitches in the sports world. And when you see an Anna Kournikova you can't help yourself; you're going to lick your nuts. ... I mean, don't you wish ... you know ... don't you wish you could do this, Bob? Admit it, Costas, you've at least tried. You've tried ... admit it, you've tried to put a little pine tar on the old bat at least once.

    "I know you have passions. I've heard you go on and on about Mickey Mantle like he was a high school crush. But you have to know, it could never have worked out between you and The Mick. I mean, he just didn't have the knees for it.

    "Now I see we're running late, which is a shame because I have so much more to ask you and so many more digressions to go on. ..."

    "... Here's to many more seasons of this crap. I know you'll be here for a long time. If 'Arli$$' taught us anything, it's that HBO will stick by a show that sucks. I heard they kept that piece of crap on the air just to deter people from stealing cable."

    From "Jimmy Kimmel Live" with Jimmy Kimmel

  • "The Final Four gets going to tomorrow in San Antonio. Duke, UConn, Oklahoma State and Georgia Tech are still standing. Those four teams play tomorrow, they pare down to two, then those two play Monday night. And then there's one team left, and then that team splits and plays against each other until one champion is left standing. And, ahhh ... yeah." (April 2)

  • "While CBS was showing the NCAA Tournament this weekend, here at ABC we had figure skating. They did spice things up though. Right in the middle of Michele Kwan's routine, a naked guy in a tutu took the ice. ... (shows clip) Tell you what, you get within 20 feet of Elvis Stojko in tight skating pants, I dare you to try and keep your clothes on." (March 29)

    "Late Late Show" with Craig Kilborn
  • "Over the weekend, Daylight Savings Time. Do you know what that means? The Clippers are losing an hour of losing." (April 5)

  • "Lost in Translation news: the 2004 baseball season got under way in Japan early yesterday morning as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays defeated the New York Yankees 8-3. I'm not sure which makes me happier that the Yankees lost to the Devil Rays or that Yankee fans had to wake up at 5 a.m." (March 30)

  • "Because of the time change many players were so disoriented and accidentally packed their home steroids." (March 30)

  • "With the loss the Yankees are in last place and out of habit A-Rod is already demanding a trade to the first-place Devil Rays." (March 30)







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