Compiled by Page 3 staff
Martha Stewart may be "Living" in a jail cell in Connecticut. Steroids are causing more buzz than an unexpected wardrobe malfunction. And people have long since torn their brackets to pieces. This is a comedy cornucopia. Who could ask for anything more?
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog introduced Costas on the season premiere. (April 2) Triumph: "Welcome to a brand new season of 'Deadwood,' also known as 'On The Record' with Bob Costas. We'll be starting with the 'Deadwood' in just a minute, but first, I'm talking with Bob Costas. Let me ask you right off the bat, because this is your fourth season of doing a show that appears to be a perfect venue for your ability -- in that nobody sees it and thus there's minimal damage -- yet you had the great gig on NBC at 1:30 a.m. that you walked away from. A huge story, but you chose HBO instead of broadcast television, which begs the question, why make people pay a monthly fee to not watch you? "And compounding the issue, you only get to do a handful of these. And I know there has to be a certain level of frustration when you're off the air and you see a story like a Kobe Bryant or a Gov. Schwarzenegger that you could've made boring. And you didn't get the opportunity to put your stamp (on it), to sit down with a Schwarzenegger and ramble on for 10 minutes about Richard Dawson and 'The Running Man.' "And of course, even on the air, you still can't get guests, as we can see in a moment. I mean, Condoleezza Rice will talk to anyone, this much we've learned, but you couldn't get her ..." Costas: "No ... I got Jerry Rice. I couldn't get Condoleezza Rice." Triumph: "And now it's very sad because we'll never know what she thinks about the wild card or the designated hitter rule, which is tragic? Which is tragic because so many of us share your concerns about these (things). I don't like this AstroTurf either, you have to eat way too much of it before you can puke. And I try to drag my ass on it and let's just say that my balls took a bad hop. Bill Buckner stuff.
"And I have to ask because your passion for the game is palpable, and I might add fitting because you're not like a baseball game. You're ponderous, goes on too long, you know, although no one can accuse you of ever taking human growth hormone. Which is not to say you're not attractive, especially on HBO Fridays. I mean you're competing with Bill Maher. He's not a good looking fellow, Bill Maher; I heard he banged a poodle once and she got arrested for bestiality.
"But I think you'll agree that the sex appeal sells and it's pervasive in the sports world. Allow me to indulge for a moment on a long and boring tangent, but there are a lot of hot bitches in the sports world. And when you see an Anna Kournikova you can't help yourself; you're going to lick your nuts. ... I mean, don't you wish ... you know ... don't you wish you could do this, Bob? Admit it, Costas, you've at least tried. You've tried ... admit it, you've tried to put a little pine tar on the old bat at least once.
"I know you have passions. I've heard you go on and on about Mickey Mantle like he was a high school crush. But you have to know, it could never have worked out between you and The Mick. I mean, he just didn't have the knees for it.
"Now I see we're running late, which is a shame because I have so much more to ask you and so many more digressions to go on. ..."
"... Here's to many more seasons of this crap. I know you'll be here for a long time. If 'Arli$$' taught us anything, it's that HBO will stick by a show that sucks. I heard they kept that piece of crap on the air just to deter people from stealing cable."
From "Jimmy Kimmel Live" with Jimmy Kimmel